LCoulter, if you have Instagram check out @itsmcmartyfly he is very vocal about why he stayed with his wife in a sexless "lavender" marriage. My bi husbamd has recently reconnected with an old time gay friend. He is out of his long-term gay relationship, and said that in the recent years, he has actually built a much closer and more secure relationship with a female friend and has stopped chasing gay relationships (I am 99% sure he is still sexually active with men). Male/female energy polarity serves as a strong pull, even if sexual desires are misaligned. I'm sure Sean will have some gems of wisdom for you, too!

Hello friend! Super weird request, but I trust you'll say something valuable. So... I'm about to message my husband's male friend.. Very ironic, because you called it a few months back! Wives like to meddle, maybe we just can't help ourselves - who knows, it's either anxiety or care

Here's a short story. My husband met this guy in a bar some 5-6 months ago. The guy is openly gay, in his 20s, very hot and unusually smart and down-to-earth for his looks. It was all going swimmingly and my husband was very happy to have him in his life. Conversation remained pretty much platonic, but with clear signs of attraction/care from my husband's side. The guy was generous in his communication, lots of honest/genuine banter - they had pretty much daily exchanges from what I understand (I don't track my husband's phone anymore). My husband went to see him, they had dinner, the guy made it clear there was not to be "anything physical". Fair enough, my husband was happy to have him as a friend - kind of like a "window to a life he doesn't have". So the conversation has continued after the meeting, but I think my husband dropped any flirting he may have done previously. Then, after a week or so, the guy just vanishes. No explanation, no "I'm busy", nothing. My husband sent several "sorry if I've done something wrong" messages - and still nothing. I'm super puzzled, too. My only guess is that despite saying "nothing physical" the Little Princess still expected signs of affection and (possibly) a valentine's day present.

As the last resort (I mean hubby already like quadruple-texted), I am thinking of reaching out to the guy over his public socials saying this: Hey X,I hope you are well. I'm Bascat's wife, we briefly met at the bar in Melbourne some months ago. I apologise for the intrusion, but is there a chance you could send Bascat some sort of a message - even if it's simply to close the conversation? The man has pretty serious abandonment trauma (childhood stuff) and having people fall off the radar without any explanation really triggers it. I mean he's a big boy and will get over it, but it would be great if you could help him out if it doesn't cost you much. From everything he told me you're a nice guy and I'm sure it wasn't your intention to cause him any distress. If, on the contrary, he did do something to upset you - seriously, do tell him - he is the kind of person that will do everything he can to fix it.All the best

Thoughts?

Well, I'm glad you were late with your reply, because OBVIOUSLY I was too impatient and did it anyway (trimmed the text by about a third though).

The guy messaged - so it's all good. Kind of confirmed he was looking for more investment on my husband's side. Him being married wasn't an issue. Him not being fully smitten was.

The more I interact with people in the dating world, the more I'm convinced we're like a different breed.. Everyone says they want "emotionally available " and "no games", but when they're presented with it - they get annoyed. My husband is VERY easy to manage: you ask him for more distance - he gives you distance, you ask for closeness - he gives you that. When the guy said "nothing physical", he didn't go "we'll see about that", he just switched all the flirting off. 

As for me and Carl.. I can't picture a reality, where me, a 46-year-old woman ghosts someone. I may have done it to a boy or two, when I was like 13-14, but since my frontal lobes developed and I understood the impact of my actions - this has never happened since. I had many conversations (and even months of co-regulation) with my exes to thoughtfully (although not always painlessly) decouple.. this is maybe why I'm still friends with all of them. 

This is why the modern dating world baffles me - feels like people have lost all the humility and empathy (and this is said by me -  avoidant leaning, not always best emotionally attuned person).

Carl is single, but if a guy's wife ever texed me (we need to assume she knew, as I'd never date anyone not in an open marriage), then I'd be like "hey girl, let's grab a coffee". I'd be waaayyy too curious to meet her to feel any irritation.

Anyway, hubby's better, he got his closure. And I got brownie points for being a supportive wife/friend.

Carl has also been communicated a boundary - so we are back to emotional monogamy (physical remained).

We'll retreat to our emotionally mature ivory tower for now, and observe the world from there. Despise us, call us weird, we don't care 😅

Thanks for your reply - always interesting. How's the wedding prep going? Must be getting close?

Gah... f*ck knows what the man wants! I think platonic friendship would make him happy. Anything physical would be a bonus. His fundamental (trauma caused) distrust towards older men explains why any "platonic friend" has to be young... but don't ask why he needs to be hot (eye roll). He is definitely much more aware of his feelings and wants than 2-3 years ago, but there are still blind spots, and they are frustrating to watch. I think as he accumulates new life experiences, he will see that a friendship from a young hot person is almost guaranteed to come with an expectation of a financial investment. He needs to be addressing his issues with older men - and he is working on it - but I don't think all childhood traumas can be healed, to some we just have to adjust.