Hi, Sean might not have seen your post yet and I know how useful it is to get an answer from him but I thought I'd have a go at answering your question myself.

I was in a long term marriage - what my mother finally said about him, after observing him closely was that he would neither fully accept me nor let me go.  From the inside I couldn't really see it but as soon as she said it I knew she had hit the nail on the head - he wasn't playing by the same rule book as I.  I could see how I had kept trying to get him to accept me or let me go and it wasn't long before I could see how he'd just been playing me, keeping me at arm's length but not letting me go.  

He had what he wanted and he used me to get it - his nice comfy closet.  He kept his boyfriends at arms length too.

it is sad.  my commiserations, it's hard yards when you realise you haven't been loved back.  It's sad the effect they have on our lives.

I have had happy times since, if not enough yet.  But right from the first day in my new home I've found that just not being with him is 1000 percent better.

So in answer to your question - Why would a later in life man who has come out, really want to hold on to both lives at the same time? - closet dwelling, it's a way of life, it goes down the generations.  Has he come out yet to everyone?  

Thank you everyone for posting. In response to LCoulter&7's question: 

Why would a later in life man who has come out, really want to hold on to both lives at the same time?

Fear. I'm happy to share my own experience but please keep in mind that I'm not a mental health professional. After coming out, my mixed orientation marriage (MOM) limped along for 18 painful months before we finally separated/divorced. I highly recommend reading, "The Velvet Rage" by Dr. Alan Downs. Some consider it the definitive modern work about the coming out process. If I remember correctly, Downs outlines different stages in the coming out process. And one of those stages is called "splitting." This is a time when a gay man is semi-closeted, meaning trying to maintain identities in both gay and straight worlds. The classic example is of a young actor from the mid-west who is out, proud, and dating men in New York city, but remains the closeted "he just hasn't found the right gal" don't-ask-don't-tell son when visiting his parents back on the farm in Indiana.  

With gay men who marry women, splitting looks a lot like what you described in your post: meaning a "lavendar" (read: platonic) marriage to a woman through which the gay husband enjoys both emotional security while also maintaining a certain degree of status through his heterosexual marriage. 

So what now? You wrote: 

"It makes me feel really confused, and feels like it just prolongs the inevitable. He tells me he'll never find someone like me, that he'll always be there for me, in this redefined relationship. And he says he not looking to run away from this family. And in the same breath, he admits he doesn't want boundaries, and says he doesn't know if he wants to just go out with men, or be in a committed relationship with a man."

It's up to each of us to define love and marriage. If you're getting nothing from this situation (other than his dirty laundry) and your husband seems unwilling to change to meet your physical and emotional needs, then you should proceed accordingly. I find the best test of whether a MOM is sustainable is to put things in heterosexual terms. For example, if your best friend came to you and said that she and her husband hadn't had sex in years, that he planned to move to his own apartment, and was sleeping with other women, what advice would you give her? 

I hope that helps friend. Good luck! 

Last edited by Sean01 (January 12, 2026 2:21 am)