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1 of 1- MNM
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Wondering if she is gay or bi
My wife and I have been married for 24.5 years we have 3 kids together and a stepdaughter from her first marriage. We had sex fairly regularly up until a couple of months ago. The last time we had sex was May 16th. That being said in January my wife came to me and wanted to play out a fantasy she wanted to know what it was like to sleep with a woman and wanted to have a 3some with me and another woman. Reluctantly I said ok and she ended up sleeping with her partner from work in February. She said she liked it and we talked about it while she and I were having sex. Our sex life seemed to spike and was really good for a while then she started developing feelings for this other woman who happens to be 20 years younger than her. They made plans for the 3 of us to go on trips together and at the end of April we went to San Antonio together. We ended up having a 3some however the other woman never removed her shorts. She got upset and it ended there. My wife and talked later about the experience and she said it was awesome and wanted to do it again but with someone else and go further. About a week later my wife told me that the other woman stated she didn’t want to “share” her with me anymore. A week after that on May 12th my wife told me that she thought she was gay and didn’t want to be with me sexually anymore. We had been going to couples counseling and had an appointment on May 14th. On the way to the appointment she was on the phone with the other woman and told her she lied to me and that she does still want to be with me. That caused a big fight between them and caused my wife to become very upset. She told the counselor and I all of this. She then moved out that night and went to stay with a friend. She asked me to bring her some stuff on May 16th which I did and we ended up having sex at her friends apartment. After that her and the other woman made up and now my wife is telling me again that she “thinks” she is gay. (Her terminology) since then she has distanced herself from me and spent more time with the other woman. We still go to counseling but things have gotten much worse. I am trying to save our marriage but don’t know if it’s possible. I told her that I feel like if she is truly gay then she always has been and our whole marriage was a lie. She claims she did love me and doesn’t regret being married to me. I feel like the other woman has manipulated her into believing that she is gay and not bi. I can handle bi because I feel like that would mean she and I can still make it work. For me if she is gay then everything else has been a lie and I can’t handle that. I have been an absolute wreck since she sprung this on me. I have lost 65lbs because I don’t eat and I average about 3-4 hours of sleep a night. I need answers and help. I am seeing a psychiatrist now and he feels the same way I do that the other woman has manipulated her. Any help or guidance would be greatly appreciated. I have also returned to my faith and have been praying daily.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Wondering if she is gay or bi
MNM wrote:
.....I am seeing a psychiatrist now and he feels the same way I do that the other woman has manipulated her.
Welcome to our Forum MNM 
Ours/yours is a tough space to be in but I believe a person can't be manipulated, in this situation, unless
they want to be manipulated.
Don't lose yourself by attempting to make her stay with you. Therapy for yourself may be better than couples counselling.
You're in the best place for advice and information.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Rob
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Re: Wondering if she is gay or bi
So sorry but as another guy she sounds as gay as can be. She's basically cheating on you now also.
Its a hard thing ..same sex attraction is a core thing they kept from us. Its not like you or I would suddenly start seeing guys..
Definitely continue to build your support system and know you did nothing wrong. Hurt and disloyalty is not what we promised when we married them..we kept out promises..they kept?
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Blackie563
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Re: Wondering if she is gay or bi
MNM - welcome to the forum. Lots of good people here. My advice will be brief, given your situation. It would be to NOT try to figure out someone who clearly can not figure things out for herself. She has lied to you, yes? Why expect honesty from someone who is not honest with themself? Its a question, but I think you know the answer, even if you are not at a point where you want to accept it. Focus on your mental and physical health. Trying to determine another adult out is not something I would recommend.
Be kind to yourself, take your time. Do what is right for you. When was the last time you did that?
- freedmyself
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Re: Wondering if she is gay or bi
Hi MNM,
Welcome, and I'm sorry you need to be here.
Based on my experience, and the stories I've heard from other straight spouses, there typically aren't a lot of answers we get from our newly out spouses. After my GXH disclosed, I wanted a lot of answers about his awareness of his own sexuality, what were the events leading up to his ultimate decision to disclose, whether he actually ever loved me, etc. And I got absolutely nothing. And I'm going to continue to get nothing. Part of my healing process is making peace with the ambiguity and questions.
It really sounds like your wife has no idea who she is, and if she doesn't know, no one else is going to be able to figure that out, either. As far as making it work - do you really want to be married to someone who can be manipulated into a different sexuality?
One word of caution - most of us who end up with a closeted gay spouse are high in empathy and accustomed to centering our spouse and bending to accommodate their needs. Once my GXH disclosed to me, it was clear that we were headed for a divorce but it took months for me to realize that I needed to stop trying to figure him out and instead work on looking within, to my own experience. Therapy was really important in that process.
Is your psychiatrist doing talk therapy with you? If you're in the US, most psychiatrists only spend a very brief time with their patients to check on meds. Therapy really helped me sift through the wreckage and hang on to myself - I highly recommend it, and I agree with Elle that your own talk therapy is way more useful than trying to sit with your wife in couples therapy.
- SARA
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Re: Wondering if she is gay or bi
your a much better spouse than i am. i think you are doing amazing with communication and connection to your spouse. i think your wife is confused on what she wants, i definitely thinks she's bi and i think she's going through maybe a mid life crisis??? when you go to counseling i would discuss with your wife about removing this person from her life, because she sounds like she's in love with you but that woman is pulling her away from you.
- lily
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Re: Wondering if she is gay or bi
imo, she's in love with the woman, that's what's causing waves.
He is in love with her, he was all in. Whether she stays or not isn't the point other than if she leaves he gets the chance to move on and maybe find a woman that is fully attracted to him.
- Blue Bear
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Re: Wondering if she is gay or bi
Dude, here's my story. I submitted a letter to The Chump Lady, who has written a book and maintains an excellent blog about infidelity. (). Her response is spot on.
You didn't consent to this. I'm sure accepting this situation was not incorporated into your wedding vows. And let me tell you something, they go batshit crazy when they find their first same-sex partner. We call it "gay adolescence" because they behave like teenage adolescents. It's hell on Earth because it's like the person who you married has had a brain transplant despite having the same social security number.
As far as clarity to your wife's sexual orientation? It doesn't matter. She's not straight, and that's not what you signed up for. She's not faithful to you, either, and I doubt you signed up for that. And she has lied to you about her sexuality for over a quarter century. There's nothing to work with here, other than finding a way to co-parent.
As for keeping the family together? It's far better for kids to be from a broken home than to remain in one. One of our most important jobs as parents is to model what a healthy, loving, respectful relationship with a significant other looks like. And it's impossible for you to do that under the situation your wife has dumped on you.
Get out. I know it seems helpless now. I had no idea how I was going to get out of the situation my wife inflicted upon me and my kids. But I'm now happily married (to a straight spouse, she gets it), and happier than I ever was with my ex-wife. Here's the follow up letter ().
Sorry you are here, but keep posting. We are here for you.
- Rob
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Re: Wondering if she is gay or bi
Up vote on chump lady.
I've gained a life now and if you put a gun to my head would never go back to the person who i thought was my wife.
Last edited by Rob (July 17, 2025 7:43 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Wondering if she is gay or bi
Another upvote on Chump Lady. I found Chump Lady about the same time I found this site, the Straight Spouse Network (and so it will remain to me), and the two together were lifelines. I learned a whole lot about character disorder and the pathetically similar behaviors of cheating spouse from Chump Lady. Here I was able to listen to the experiences of others who had gone through, or were going through, the same upending of all expectations that comes when a spouse/partner declares they aren't straight.
Blue Bear's letters and Chump Lady's responses are an excellent place for you to start.