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- CMaree23
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Re: Embracing my husband's same sex attraction
@Alex1984
This is all so sad and so bizarre. It must feel so awful for him to have these reactions from his own family and I am sorry you are getting that feeling from them as well. It really goes to show that you have no idea how people will react when coming out. I am sorry you both have had to deal with this.
It really speaks to the reason that so many never feel safe coming out.
- Alex1984
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Re: Embracing my husband's same sex attraction
Instead of my regular monthly update, I decided to post a poem. I am hoping many would be able to relate to the tension in it - regardless of your current experience or the final outcome of your relationship. I think this tension between the complex world and the simple truths extend beyond our situations, but I find it does come to the surface more often on the pages of this forum.
Sun Will Not Rise
The sun will rise tomorrow, - she said.
No it will not, - he said.
How can it not? - she asked.
The birds will sing, the wind will blow, the flowers will bloom, the world is complex, so the sun will not rise, - he said.
And he was right.
Or at the very least he was closer to the truth than she was. The world was complex. The birds sang, the wind blew, the flowers bloomed and about a thousand other things happened - all at the same time.
The world was not about the sun rising. It was about a thousand different things happening.
Do you now see? - he asked.
I do, - she answered.
However... the sun rose.
As for our situation, we are at the same place - settled, for-now-monogamous, having great conversations (often overly philosophical).
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I cordially ask others to abide by the rules of this board: refrain from posting if you are not currently in a committed relationship with an SSA partner and only provide advice if it is constructive toward the goal of a successful MOM. Remember to read other boards on this forum for a balanced view.
Last edited by Alex1984 (April 2, 2025 10:20 pm)
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Thread Starter- Alex1984
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Re: Embracing my husband's same sex attraction
A somewhat more eventful update today (well, kinda).
My husband and I are trying an open relationship again. Trying being the operative word there, as it's not going very well. We tried last year and it was too hard on both of us - probably more on me as I wasn't really interested in looking myself, and was too engaged in the conversations he was having with other guys. He then put his foot down around October last year, and said he was stopping all conversations to focus on us. A few weeks back as we were travelling, I suggested he starts looking again. I think it's important that he does. This time I decided to try and look myself. Go ahead, judge all you want, I don't think you can think/say anything I haven't heard before.
What I wanted to capture today is how freakin' frustrating the dating scene is - particularly when you are trying to date men. My husband and I compare notes regularly and it is pretty shocking. It was refreshing for me to know that even at 44 I still get a lot of interest. However, to take this interest anywhere beyond a superficial encounter is almost impossible. I remember now what it was like dating straight men: you definitely feel validated when you see how much he wants to f*ck you - the level of sexual energy is often palpable. But OMG it comes with so much mindfuckery, game-playing, and manipulation - it is exhausting. Straight guys seem to make an industry out of getting into women's pants as quickly as possible, with the least possible emotional investment. Emotional investment is highly uncomfortable for modern men. Of course there are exceptions and my situation isn't exactly going to attract the "decent man", but all of my wonderful single and available girlfriends say the same. In fact, most say "just hold on to your husband - gay/straight or bi he is a keeper".. lol..
My husband is finding the same in the "gay" world, except that he starts with a lower level of interest. Seriously, Grindr doesn't appear to be a gay dating app - I think it's an app for predominantly married men on the "down-low" that just want to exchange cringey lines and genital photos and disappear into the sunset. Maybe there aren't enough gay men where we live, but so far it's been two months and he's met nobody.
What we know for sure is whether we are or aren't successful in meeting someone - keeping the relationship permanently open is not something either of us want. It takes waaaayyyy tooo much energy!!! We will probably come to a stable state where we are generally closed, but if an opportunity presents itself, both of us feel secure to let the other party explore it. Strangely, this is kind of where we were over the course of our 10-year monogamous marriage pre-disclosure. It's just that neither of us really saw any opportunities.
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I cordially ask others to abide by the rules of this board: refrain from posting if you are not currently in a committed relationship with an SSA partner and only provide advice if it is constructive toward the goal of a successful MOM. Remember to read other boards on this forum for a balanced view.
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Thread Starter- Alex1984
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Re: Embracing my husband's same sex attraction
Hi team,
Nothing exciting from our family. The 3-month open relationship trial was a complete fail. I went on a few dates with a handful of different guys and developed a serious crush on one of them (which ended up being highly disappointing), my husband didn't even go on a single date. I swear he tried! I have access to his Tinder, Grindr and whatever else he tried. I am obviously biased, but in my opinion, he is attractive, smart and kind and he was really putting himself out there, but alas. We must not have enough gay people where we live (a 1.8mil city!). He would also never do anything with someone who cheats on their partner - which puts all the DL men out of play for him, too.
Dating these days is a whole new experience (neither of us have dated in 15 years) - and it is seriously a topic for a book! It is fast-paced, demanding, transient and toxic. People lie, ghost and don't show up on dates. An attempt at a deeper connection is perceived as an intrusion (or worse, a perversion), honesty and authenticity are obsolete. You are lucky to find someone literate and if you manage to have a giggle over a sexting session - seriously, you hit a jackpot. Some "more evolved" species believe themselves to be "so well connected with their feelings" and so capable of "reading others". Yet they aren't noticing their own raging blind spots. Most are either perplexed, disgusted or just sh*t scared to date someone in a relationship (ok, fair enough). Others pretend to be open-minded or even claim to have done that before - only to get overwhelmed or bitter when you fail to prioritise them. And yet, nobody is dating just one person at a time! The dating apps have really screwed people over. They create an illusion of abundance of choice only to feed peoples' dopamine addiction and FOMO.
We are done with this experiment. Off the apps and focusing on us. If anything comes along on either side at some future stage in our lives - we will consider it together. I'm far less scared to lose him to a man now. Ahemm.. what man, exactly? From where? A neurotic twink from Grindr - yeah, right, good luck! And if a male unicorn does happen to materialise in his life at some future stage - I now have plenty of validation that I am still in demand. I will be just fine!
I'm going to try and continue with the monthly updates, but I feel like they are becoming a rumination of our day-to-day life with little change from month to month.
We are really moving onto other problems to tackle - relatives, parents, kids - there are plenty of issues and opportunities there. Most days we don't think or talk about his sexuality at all - it is just there and became so totally normalised. I know it's hard for those of you who just found out, but trust me, if your partner hasn't cheated and your relationship is good - you will find a way to grow through this together. Good luck!
Here are some further links: Facebook groups:
Podcasts:
MOR and More:
www.morandmore.org
Amity Buxton's article (unfortunately, you need academic access, or try psyhub, very little research literature is available on the topic):
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I cordially ask others to abide by the rules of this board: refrain from posting if you are not currently in a committed relationship with an SSA partner and only provide advice if it is constructive toward the goal of a successful MOM. Remember to read other boards on this forum for a balanced view.
Last edited by Alex1984 (Today 12:26 am)
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Thread Starter- Sean01
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Re: Embracing my husband's same sex attraction
Thank you for the updates Alex. May I ask a few follow-up questions? This part of the forum is normally reserved just for people in MOMs so I wanted to ask for your permission before posting some questions.