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- CMaree23
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Re: Embracing my husband's same sex attraction
@Alex1984
This is all so sad and so bizarre. It must feel so awful for him to have these reactions from his own family and I am sorry you are getting that feeling from them as well. It really goes to show that you have no idea how people will react when coming out. I am sorry you both have had to deal with this.
It really speaks to the reason that so many never feel safe coming out.
- Alex1984
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Re: Embracing my husband's same sex attraction
Instead of my regular monthly update, I decided to post a poem. I am hoping many would be able to relate to the tension in it - regardless of your current experience or the final outcome of your relationship. I think this tension between the complex world and the simple truths extend beyond our situations, but I find it does come to the surface more often on the pages of this forum.
Sun Will Not Rise
The sun will rise tomorrow, - she said.
No it will not, - he said.
How can it not? - she asked.
The birds will sing, the wind will blow, the flowers will bloom, the world is complex, so the sun will not rise, - he said.
And he was right.
Or at the very least he was closer to the truth than she was. The world was complex. The birds sang, the wind blew, the flowers bloomed and about a thousand other things happened - all at the same time.
The world was not about the sun rising. It was about a thousand different things happening.
Do you now see? - he asked.
I do, - she answered.
However... the sun rose.
As for our situation, we are at the same place - settled, for-now-monogamous, having great conversations (often overly philosophical).
____________________
I cordially ask others to abide by the rules of this board: refrain from posting if you are not currently in a committed relationship with an SSA partner and only provide advice if it is constructive toward the goal of a successful MOM. Remember to read other boards on this forum for a balanced view.
Last edited by Alex1984 (April 2, 2025 10:20 pm)
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Thread Starter- Alex1984
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Re: Embracing my husband's same sex attraction
A somewhat more eventful update today (well, kinda).
My husband and I are trying an open relationship again. Trying being the operative word there, as it's not going very well. We tried last year and it was too hard on both of us - probably more on me as I wasn't really interested in looking myself, and was too engaged in the conversations he was having with other guys. He then put his foot down around October last year, and said he was stopping all conversations to focus on us. A few weeks back as we were travelling, I suggested he starts looking again. I think it's important that he does. This time I decided to try and look myself. Go ahead, judge all you want, I don't think you can think/say anything I haven't heard before.
What I wanted to capture today is how freakin' frustrating the dating scene is - particularly when you are trying to date men. My husband and I compare notes regularly and it is pretty shocking. It was refreshing for me to know that even at 44 I still get a lot of interest. However, to take this interest anywhere beyond a superficial encounter is almost impossible. I remember now what it was like dating straight men: you definitely feel validated when you see how much he wants to f*ck you - the level of sexual energy is often palpable. But OMG it comes with so much mindfuckery, game-playing, and manipulation - it is exhausting. Straight guys seem to make an industry out of getting into women's pants as quickly as possible, with the least possible emotional investment. Emotional investment is highly uncomfortable for modern men. Of course there are exceptions and my situation isn't exactly going to attract the "decent man", but all of my wonderful single and available girlfriends say the same. In fact, most say "just hold on to your husband - gay/straight or bi he is a keeper".. lol..
My husband is finding the same in the "gay" world, except that he starts with a lower level of interest. Seriously, Grindr doesn't appear to be a gay dating app - I think it's an app for predominantly married men on the "down-low" that just want to exchange cringey lines and genital photos and disappear into the sunset. Maybe there aren't enough gay men where we live, but so far it's been two months and he's met nobody.
What we know for sure is whether we are or aren't successful in meeting someone - keeping the relationship permanently open is not something either of us want. It takes waaaayyyy tooo much energy!!! We will probably come to a stable state where we are generally closed, but if an opportunity presents itself, both of us feel secure to let the other party explore it. Strangely, this is kind of where we were over the course of our 10-year monogamous marriage pre-disclosure. It's just that neither of us really saw any opportunities.
____________________
I cordially ask others to abide by the rules of this board: refrain from posting if you are not currently in a committed relationship with an SSA partner and only provide advice if it is constructive toward the goal of a successful MOM. Remember to read other boards on this forum for a balanced view.
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Thread Starter