Ordinary guy wrote:

When your formally straight partner tells you they now identify as bisexual, they are in effect telling you they have homosexual attraction. The straight part of such an identity is irrelevant to the straight partner. Now, there are reasons why they are going to tell the straight partner this. It could be that they are being honest from a perspective of love and respect. They may find that their homosexual attraction troubles them in some way and may have done so for some time. There may be no intent to act on this desire or attraction. The other reason could be due to realisation that they have a same sex attraction they would like to explore. This exploration can be made easier if the straight partner consents to it. If they do not, and want to hold their partner to a monogamous relationship, you can get into a situation where deceit comes to the fore. They may treat the straight partner as a safe harbour from which to make exploratory missions into a ‘scene’ or another sexual or romantic relationship. Frequently being able to compartmentalise two different sides of themselves until needs and musts override the safety they held on to. For men, the compartmentalisation of a same sex attraction can be more likely to be physical. In this case, there can be often no emotional or romantic need to be with a specific partner, and it is compartmentalised as ‘just sex’. They will genuinely still be emotionally invested in the heterosexual relationship. It is still infidelity of course, coming with certain other risks. For women, the risk is more from them developing an emotional attachment to another woman. There is a higher likelihood that a physical affair will quickly become an emotional one. As soon as this happens, the man in this case will be rejected and likely vilified at the same time. This can happen to female straight partners as well, but this is probably more likely if the male partner was actually gay in denial or repressed more than bisexual and or biromantic. It is can’t consolation to you at the moment. But, this could have happened to you years down the line, when you were financially entangled and children were present. One of the common drivers for coming out later in life is a feeling that after children have been born, or raised to a certain age, the need to exist in heterosexual relationship is gone. This of course represents what becomes a multi-layered trauma for the straight partner. Not only is their relationship as they knew it at an end. Frequently the children are adversely effected as they knew it relationship between their parents often becomes fractious and belligerent.  
You don’t need to get over yourself, or pull yourself together. You need time and distance. Hopefully with zero contact with someone who has hurt you emotionally to this degree. As others have said before, it is not being gay or Bi that causes any injury. It is often the lies and cheating that cut so much more deeply. When all is said and done, it is the fact that the people we loved and invested in, are not who we thought or hoped they would be. The person who is what you hope for is out there somewhere. In your case, a woman who will love you for who you are, not for what you can provide. I hope you find your peace my friend. I made the decision to put my son’s welfare above my own. It brings me comfort to know I was true and honest, emotionally and physically celibate for 6173 days. There are worse things to suffer in life. Your life is all in front of you now, and your conscience is completely clear. Go live.

Thank you for your words and perspective, it does seem to be exactly how you describe what happened to me. I hate how she knew I felt about adultery, and yet she still went along with it, instead of just leaving me before. Her mother also suffered greatly due to adultery and I can't believe, she knowing how affected her mom was by the event, decided it was ok for her to do it as well. I hate that it feels like I lost part of my family, part of my heart, part of my soul. But I know I'll be ok, I was by no means perfect, I admit that, but damn I tried so hard, and having all this investment literally go to waste, just hits so hard. Thank you for your words, they mean a lot.

Last edited by final_anon (January 21, 2025 7:52 pm)

Today I woke up feeling nothing, and I don't know how to feel about it, I felt the same way like two weeks ago, it's like I'm numb, I know that right after that the next day the emotions came back with tremendous force, I don't know if it'll be the case again. Anyways still trying to make sense of this, I dream of her every night, even today when I woke up feeling nothing.

Final - on the numbness and dreams, I found that was "normal" for me - feeling numb then extreme feelings and physical symptoms (shaking, ear ringing, puking/diarrhea, crying etc...)  In one of my dreams I was literally ripped apart and I was so thankful for the overwhelming nothingness and darkness to not feel excruciating pain any longer.  Some dreams were me missing my husband, others were me being horrified that he was in my house.  Some were of sex with him.  Be patient with yourself, your mind is just trying to make sense of the (again) mindfuck it has been thrown into.  It gets better - my numbness went away and the physical symptoms slowly dissipate, the dreams subside.  Hugs -

MarieSmith wrote:

Hi Final,

 I'm sorry this happened to you and that you find yourself here.  I will reiterate what Lily and Elle have said because it bears repeating - this is a mindfuck.  For me it was good to be reminded of that and to know via this forum that I was not alone.  There are lots of posts, podcasts, and resources on here that you might find helpful at different stages of the process, just take what you need.  It's probably hard to trust your gut after this, but try to feel out what is genuinely helpful to you and don't worry about the rest of it - there will be lots of opinions and judgements and those who don't understand your specific situation.  When I first found out that this is my reality, a "veteran" told me that he decided he wouldn't let this ruin the rest of his life.  That's another thing that I have repeated to myself to get through the hell days (and nights).  Reach out to the forum anytime and post what you need, maybe see if there is a support group in your area.  Again, I'm sorry you find yourself here but a warm welcome and support from afar -
"Marie"       

Thank you, I am trying to not make this define the rest of my life, I feel scared because I've had other situations in the past that took me so long to get over that I don't want it to repeat here, but at the same time, this is without a doubt the saddest chapter in my life thus far, I'm trying to reach out, to do the things I did not do in the past, I'm gonna try therapy as well, anything to not stagnate.

MarieSmith wrote:

Final - on the numbness and dreams, I found that was "normal" for me - feeling numb then extreme feelings and physical symptoms (shaking, ear ringing, puking/diarrhea, crying etc...)  In one of my dreams I was literally ripped apart and I was so thankful for the overwhelming nothingness and darkness to not feel excruciating pain any longer.  Some dreams were me missing my husband, others were me being horrified that he was in my house.  Some were of sex with him.  Be patient with yourself, your mind is just trying to make sense of the (again) mindfuck it has been thrown into.  It gets better - my numbness went away and the physical symptoms slowly dissipate, the dreams subside.  Hugs -

Yeah, I find myself today with a noticeable shift in feeling, I am pretty anxious right now. And the dreams don't stop. Thank you for your words, it gives me hope that I can get through this.

Hi Final,

Have you ever done any gardening?  I like to garden, and I am also a 'muddy' - I make pots and sculptures out of clay and now I am making them out of the clay dug up in my own garden - all I need to do is pull out the pebbles,

So there I am just after discovery and I wander out into the garden that I lived in then, I started weeding under an avocado tree and as my hands got into the soil it brought such comfort, the feel of the earth, it was like it was talking to me and saying it's okay I can tell you everything you need.

So that's my version of being grounded.  It makes me believe even if you live in the city you could grow a few herbs and flowers on a window sill and gain that same comfort I got.

I will keep encouraging you to talk to other people in your life, it's a great start to talk here but it makes such a difference in terms of getting free of the closet you were put in to talk with someone on the ground, even a stranger at the bus stop is good.  

quote from OOHC to another poster -  "Living in someone else's closet is a recipe for isolation and psychological damage".   

Spill the beans, as it were to someone.