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- final_anon
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Re: Discarded during Christmas after 6 years
lily wrote:
In one sense - length of time being relatively short - you've dodged a bullet. Imagine what it would be like to wake up one morning, you're middle aged and are just getting to the point that you can get ahead financially, the mortgage is just about paid off, the kids are still asleep in their messy bedrooms. It's dawn, you've woken early and feel queasy in the stomach, your heart aches you're anxious. You look across to the other side of the bed.. what's worse, that it's empty or the cat with cream look on her face as she returns, slipping her mobile onto the bedside table and herself into bed, facing away from you, not even giving you a look.
It just gets more dire with time, basically though you've taken a bullet to the heart of you, just like the rest of us. It takes time, and there's an element to it that it's a bit like you are waiting for the other shoe to drop - what is she really like. The idea I had of who my exgidh was so very different from the hidden reality of him creeping up on me.
In narcissistic terms they talk about the discard - saying it's the bit that hurts the worst but then you end up being so glad you are away from them.
Seeing most of you find out decades after the fact breaks my heart for you. I did not consider 6 years a short amount of time but it pales in comparison to over a decade, I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this. Last year I was gearing up to pop the question, and then the thing happened, and I ended up selling the ring, because I didn't feel safe during the year, it sucks, but I had way too many lows to feel confident in 2024, in fact I wrote in my journal that I thought she was gonna leave me before the year ended or right after, and on the very same day I wrote that she ended things. I do feel discarded, because she was not even brave enough to say it to my face, and just chose to do it over the phone, I was in complete disbelief, did not think she was capable of that. Thank you for words and support.
- final_anon
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Re: Discarded during Christmas after 6 years
When your formally straight partner tells you they now identify as bisexual, they are in effect telling you they have homosexual attraction. The straight part of such an identity is irrelevant to the straight partner. Now, there are reasons why they are going to tell the straight partner this. It could be that they are being honest from a perspective of love and respect. They may find that their homosexual attraction troubles them in some way and may have done so for some time. There may be no intent to act on this desire or attraction. The other reason could be due to realisation that they have a same sex attraction they would like to explore. This exploration can be made easier if the straight partner consents to it. If they do not, and want to hold their partner to a monogamous relationship, you can get into a situation where deceit comes to the fore. They may treat the straight partner as a safe harbour from which to make exploratory missions into a ‘scene’ or another sexual or romantic relationship. Frequently being able to compartmentalise two different sides of themselves until needs and musts override the safety they held on to. For men, the compartmentalisation of a same sex attraction can be more likely to be physical. In this case, there can be often no emotional or romantic need to be with a specific partner, and it is compartmentalised as ‘just sex’. They will genuinely still be emotionally invested in the heterosexual relationship. It is still infidelity of course, coming with certain other risks. For women, the risk is more from them developing an emotional attachment to another woman. There is a higher likelihood that a physical affair will quickly become an emotional one. As soon as this happens, the man in this case will be rejected and likely vilified at the same time. This can happen to female straight partners as well, but this is probably more likely if the male partner was actually gay in denial or repressed more than bisexual and or biromantic. It is can’t consolation to you at the moment. But, this could have happened to you years down the line, when you were financially entangled and children were present. One of the common drivers for coming out later in life is a feeling that after children have been born, or raised to a certain age, the need to exist in heterosexual relationship is gone. This of course represents what becomes a multi-layered trauma for the straight partner. Not only is their relationship as they knew it at an end. Frequently the children are adversely effected as they knew it relationship between their parents often becomes fractious and belligerent.
You don’t need to get over yourself, or pull yourself together. You need time and distance. Hopefully with zero contact with someone who has hurt you emotionally to this degree. As others have said before, it is not being gay or Bi that causes any injury. It is often the lies and cheating that cut so much more deeply. When all is said and done, it is the fact that the people we loved and invested in, are not who we thought or hoped they would be. The person who is what you hope for is out there somewhere. In your case, a woman who will love you for who you are, not for what you can provide. I hope you find your peace my friend. I made the decision to put my son’s welfare above my own. It brings me comfort to know I was true and honest, emotionally and physically celibate for 6173 days. There are worse things to suffer in life. Your life is all in front of you now, and your conscience is completely clear. Go live.
Thank you for your words and perspective, it does seem to be exactly how you describe what happened to me. I hate how she knew I felt about adultery, and yet she still went along with it, instead of just leaving me before. Her mother also suffered greatly due to adultery and I can't believe, she knowing how affected her mom was by the event, decided it was ok for her to do it as well. I hate that it feels like I lost part of my family, part of my heart, part of my soul. But I know I'll be ok, I was by no means perfect, I admit that, but damn I tried so hard, and having all this investment literally go to waste, just hits so hard. Thank you for your words, they mean a lot.
Last edited by final_anon (Yesterday 7:52 pm)
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Thread Starter- final_anon
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Re: Discarded during Christmas after 6 years
Hi Final,
I'm sorry for everything you're going through. This experience sucks, and is definitely a mindfuck, like Ellexoh says. So many of us on this forum have known that feeling of having wasted years (23 in my case) of your life with someone who was not who they said they were.
It's hard to remember sometimes, but this is not your fault. It was her responsibility to be in touch with her sexuality. It's really common for the gay or bi partner to get increasingly hostile with the straight spouse as they delve further into their true sexuality. Also very common is that the gay/bi spouse finds a way to blame the straight spouse for any problems in the relationship, even though it's impossible to be in a healthy relationship with someone who is not being honest about something so core to their personhood as their sexual orientation.
Hitting the gym is a great way to take care of yourself - even better if you can find a friend to go with you. Hopefully you've found a friend (or two or many) in whom you can confide? Remember that this is YOUR story to tell, in whatever detail feels appropriate and true.
Write as much/as often as you want. This is a weird one, this straight spouse experience. You're in good company, unfortunately.
Thank you, I have talked to some friends about the issue, I've chosen to withhold some information, I don't even know why, it feels as if I'm protecting her still. I'm sorry that this is something we have to go through, that society has made it possible for this to be a thing. Thank you for your words and time, this life is some wild ride, huh?
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