I am actually surprised at how many people choose a MOM. For some reason when he mentioned it there was no question for me. Yes, I love you but I also want to be happy. 

When my GXH came out, he said he was Bi and wanted to date men.  And he also said he was still attracted to me.  And he also said he hadn't cheated on me.  It took me a couple of days to get my bearings and then it was very clear to me that divorce was the only path forward for me.  Fast forward to today, a little more than a year later, and I'm so, so glad I didn't attempt a MOM, not even for a little while. Immediately after he came out, a guy who had been his "friend" before he was out was suddenly his Boyfriend. Yeah.  Now I can put puzzle pieces together and see that in fact, prior to coming out to me, he had built a whole secret life in advance of telling me, and was blaming me for the distance in our marriage.  Not the kind of partner ANYONE should have.  

Seems to me that a consistent element in many of our stories is that after a little time elapses post-disclosure, we can see that there were secrets kept, lies told, gaslighting going on.  

I'm raising my glass in a toast to your Band-Aid ripping! Please put yourself first, and keep your eyes open. I was surprised at how much was going on once I understood what I was looking at. 

kmack15 wrote:

Today is day 3 of the life I didn’t sign up for. And I am having a hard time. I miss my life.....

Yip....it's tough. And it'll probably get tougher. It's up to you to get through this without the support of the man you thought you'd be with forever. Your parents are angels for giving you a soft place to fall but ultimately it'll be you who finds the strength to weather the storm.

I haven't lived in a home that's mine for months now. Nothing feels permanent, and whereas my former partner let me stay in his apartment (and is contributing to the rent) I feel I should move on, so I checked out a room for rent last night and even though I think I could make it work.....I don't want to have to make it work. It'll mean I have to get rid of a lot of stuff (and it is only stuff but.....)
Silly really....the guy renting the room has two other people to see and I may not even get the room.... So I'm taking lots of deep, cleansing breaths amongst the tears and trying to tell myself I will get through this.

E
 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (January 9, 2025 8:14 pm)

This is a journey I would not wish on my worst enemy.

To this day, I still have my moments of struggle. I struggle with the "why" because I cannot comprehend ever doing this to someone. I struggle with this unrelenting urge to reach out to him, because there is this sliver of hope that refuses to die, that the man I loved is still in there somewhere.

Ironically, I have no desire to get back together (never did after his announcement) or even really want any part in his life per say......it's more this sense of loss and grief over losing someone I grew up with, shared a life with, someone who knows all the "inside jokes" and stories. I truly miss not having anyone in my life anymore that just knows my life. Whether it was a lie or not.....I'm really struggling with meeting new people, because I just lost everything. I find myself inadvertently joking or doing something and still get that millisecond of waiting for a knowing laugh....and there's nothing.

And there's also the pain of being hated by someone I loved deeply. I know it's not logical .I know it's not my fault. But I am human, and the vitriol and cruelty he spewed at me was incredibly painful.

Kmack - unfortunately, there will be a number of tough days ahead. Depending on yourself and your situation, it may take you months to recover, or it may take you years. All of it is perfectly normal and ok. You have to take whatever time you need to grieve and heal. If you are able to find a decent therapist to talk to, it can be helpful. Also - start focusing on self care. Start small - get some really nice bath scents, get a new book, go for a walk. Just little things you can do to take care of yourself. When you start to feel better - try looking into taking up a hobby. Find something that has a bit of a social component so you can be around people. Try making plans for a weekend trip, or retreat. 

The days can be hard, but those who go through this are incredibly strong and resilient people. And we're here to support everyone taking those shaky steps towards their new life.

kmack15 wrote:

I am actually surprised at how many people choose a MOM. For some reason when he mentioned it there was no question for me. Yes, I love you but I also want to be happy. 

I've been actively involved in this community for a while, and not that many people CHOOSE a MOM.  Generally speaking, a MOM is imposed upon the straight partner by their in-denial partner, and the straight partner tries to grin and bear it.  The straight partner feels compelled to try to keep the family together, maintain finances, save the kids the agony of divorce, support their in-denial partner, etc.  However, the MOM rarely lasts as the ridiculousness and excruciating burden of the mom takes a toll.

So don't feel any pressure to stay in a MOM.  My d-day was nearly six years ago, and I've remarried and built up a beautiful blended family anchored by a marriage that values respect, trust, understanding and love.  There's almost always a better, brighter future ahead even if the clouds seem impossibly thick at the beginning.