OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
- lily
- Member
Offline
Re: Embracing my husband's same sex attraction
yes you are a bit bossy if you don't mind my saying, Alex. 
Years ago I remember this Cornishman telling me that when his daughter was being conceived he saw a little pink fairy coming in the window. That I can believe, it makes sense to me. No problem with that.
Not keen on the genderless reincarnation idea, it doesn't really gel with my experience of life. I really don't think it works, particularly in the face of modern biology.
Last edited by lily (September 20, 2024 7:32 pm)
- Ellexoh_nz
- Member
Offline
Re: Embracing my husband's same sex attraction
Alex1984 wrote:
I cordially ask others to abide by the rules of this board: refrain from posting if you are not currently in a committed relationship with an SSA partner...
No I won't. THAT is not what this board was supposed to be for. It's for the straight partner, not a content MOM partner, and
I respond to any straightspouse who is, I feel, needing advice/support in a situation where we often need it from those who have gone through it.
Your title for this thread clearly states that
you don't need any support or advice.
E
KIA KAHA
- Alex1984
- Member
Offline
Re: Embracing my husband's same sex attraction
I am a straight partner that is (so far) content in my MOM. We are 10 months into this journey and I plan on posting here for another 2 years. It is important to share the experiences of the first critical 3 years post-disclosure. I will only cut it short if we separate, which I will also post about if it happens.
I can't stop you from posting. Support is always welcome, but you are correct, Elle, I don't require any advice from you at this point.
_________________________________
I cordially ask others to abide by the rules of this board: refrain from posting if you are not currently in a committed relationship with an SSA partner and only provide advice if it is constructive toward the goal of a successful MOM. Remember to read other boards on this forum for a balanced view.
- •
Thread Starter- Alex1984
- Member
Offline
Re: Embracing my husband's same sex attraction
Hi Team,
I thought I would post monthly updates here. I am minimizing my forum interaction, so will not be reading or replying to comments or checking other sections of this forum. If you need to reach me - send me a direct message.
Life has been stable. Nothing new to report on my husband's discovery front.
We remain monogamous (for now). I am starting to get annoyed at my therapist, who basically was trying to convince me that open relationship is the healthiest relationship structure in our situation. I don't judge couples that are in an open relationship, we very seriously considered it ourselves, but I don't think it is "the healthiest". Hard enough to manage one human connection, try adding more and it's a total mindf*ck.
I told my husband, I won't be checking his phone or apps anymore (at least for now - I got really tired of being that woman). With this, he deleted all the apps and "friend zoned" the guy he's had WhatApp chats with. He says he doesn't want any distractions. Nether do I. We put our phones down each night and just enjoy each other's company.
It's spring where we live! I breathe in the air and look optimistically into the future. I have learned a lot this past year and made a lot of genuine new friends. I've also been in a lot of pain. But now it's gone and I feel good. I will take stock and make sense of things some time later - now I am enjoying a clear head. I have stopped reading forums and articles and thinking about sexuality - be it my husband's or anyone else's. Who the f*ck cares, really.
Life is good. Sex is good. Weather is good. Kids are almost finished with their exams - phew. Family cat is dying - something we need to be strong for and rely on each other. We are taking this world one step at a time.
Stay strong everyone!
Corny advice of the day I wanted to share: "Don't save your marriage - save yourself, your marriage will save itself if it was meant to be" 
_________________________________
I cordially ask others to abide by the rules of this board: refrain from posting if you are not currently in a committed relationship with an SSA partner and only provide advice if it is constructive toward the goal of a successful MOM. Remember to read other boards on this forum for a balanced view.
- •
Thread Starter- chanceag
- New member
Offline
Re: Embracing my husband's same sex attraction
After 25 years of what I believed was a heterosexual marriage, I found out my husband has been involved in bisexual relationships and actually was with men before we married, but obviously he didn't tell me that. I love my husband and am proud that he is finally able to somewhat accept who he is because honestly before, I knew something was missing. We haven't been physically intimate in at least 10 years but are good friends. He wants to save the marriage, and I don't feel that we actually have a marriage. Still, I would like to find some type of compromise that I can live with so that we can stay together in the same house, continue to share family experiences, etc. together. A "lavender marriage" was mentioned to me by my counselor and I honestly don't know how that works or what boundaries need to be put in place, or whether that's an individual couple topic to discuss. My husband feels like a failure if the "marriage" doesn't work out yet oddly I feel it might be possible for both of us to be more open and honest with each other if we admitted that our love is more friends than lovers. Any input would greatly be appreciated.
- Alex1984
- Member
Offline
Re: Embracing my husband's same sex attraction
Hi Chance
I'm sorry about the situation you found yourself in. I don't have experience of the lavender marriage, as sexual intimacy with my partner is important to me. If it is not the case for you, I can't see why it wouldn't work. Clear communication is key, so talk openly with him about what you like/dislike about your relationship today and what you would like going forward.
Good luck!
_________________________________
I cordially ask others to abide by the rules of this board: refrain from posting if you are not currently in a committed relationship with an SSA partner and only provide advice if it is constructive toward the goal of a successful MOM. Remember to read other boards on this forum for a balanced view.
- •
Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
- Member
Offline
Re: Embracing my husband's same sex attraction
After 25 years of what I believed was a heterosexual marriage, I found out my husband has been involved in bisexual relationships and actually was with men before we married, but obviously he didn't tell me that. ....
Alex is correct.. communication (honesty) is paramount for a r'ship to flourish. But it doesn't sound like you've had much communication or honesty in the ten years you had no intimacy and who knows you may be okay with playing second fiddle for any number of reasons...children, financial, family responsibility.
This forum and board are here to help you through the decisions about your life that you will have to make
Elle
KIA KAHA
- lily
- Member
Offline
Re: Embracing my husband's same sex attraction
Hi Chance, from reading your post I think you are heterosexual yourself? and I am also thinking he didn't tell you he wasn't, you've found out 25 years later?
Lavender marriage is a term that goes back a while, whether it has additional or different meanings now I don't know but it used to be a marriage of convenience - an upfront arrangement where a man and woman got married but at least one of them was homosexual and it came with an expectation on both sides that intimacy would be sought outside the marriage.
Generally speaking tho, the impression I get is in overwhelming numbers mostly MOMs involve deception - one or both spouses hide the truth of their sexuality.
If bisexuality means you have a choice then why weren't you enough, why has he been seeking intimacy outside the marriage, why didn't he seek sexual intimacy with you?
So you know it's a deeply shocking moment when the straight in a MOM discovers their marriage, their partner isn't what they believed he was. And it takes time to assimilate the new information - it's a bit like waiting for the other shoe to drop for a while and time for a bit of contemplation and self care before anything else.
The thing I want to say to you is there's a lot of living to do in front of you. Give yourself a hug, park any self criticism at the door and put yourself first for a while.
- chanceag
- New member
Offline
Re: Embracing my husband's same sex attraction
Thanks, Lily, All good statements and I think I'm just to find a way to work it out so we can stay together under one roof. I laugh at myself when I say he's my best friend because I wouldn't really expect best friends to lie to me. He swears it was a one time thing but come on, let's be honest. He went so many years having a sexless marriage with me. It doesn't sound reasonable. I'm heterosexual but honestly at this point I have absolutely no interest in finding sex outside the marriage or even thinking of the idea of another man in my life!!! I'm just so damned confused and trying to find a way we can continue to live harmoniously under the same room. I'm probably looking for the impossible!!!
- Anon 765
- Member
Offline
Re: Embracing my husband's same sex attraction
Hi Chance,
I tried to make it work for me to stay in a friendly marriage for a number of years post "bisexual" disclosure. I don't think it's impossible, but for me, it didn't fit my definition of marriage or what I want from a relationship. So I did ask for a separation and now we are divorced. He's engaged to his boyfriend. I believe he is now identifying as gay. I don't know if he would have ever come out had we stayed married, and that would have been quite sad for both of us.
If you do decide to stay, you have to be able to get as much as you need and want out of the marriage. There's a good book called "It's Not You" by Ramani Durvasula that I'd suggest. She has a chapter on choosing to stay with a narcissist. I'm not saying your partner is a narcissist specifically - the book is helpful in that it talks about how to stay in a difficult situation without giving up more of yourself than you might have to.
Whatever you choose, I'm sorry this happened to you. I hope you will find what you need. Keep putting yourself and your needs first, especially now.
Anon 765