Hello Beautiful People

I thought I would share a poem I wrote in the early days of discovery. My story is under Our Stories. Withholding the truth is Withholding Love. For those of you who find yourself in the earlier days, I ask that you hold on in all the moments of pain. I believe in you.=14.67pxHe never said I am sorry, he said I could say I was sorry for ever and it would never be enough  =14.67pxHe never said I have always loved you, when I said, but I loved you, he said don’t say that now =14.67pxHe never said, I never wanted to hurt you or the children, he said did you tell the children? =14.67pxHe never said, this is something I’ve been struggling with most of my life, he said I am not gay, when I meet someone else, it will be another woman. =14.67pxHe never said, I’ve been fooling you all these years, he said, the relationship had only been going on for the past year. =14.67pxHe never said, I know I should have told you the truth ten years ago, when you found the receipt for the women’s lingerie, he stayed silent. =14.67pxHe never explained what it is for a man to dress in female attire, he just did in secret. =14.67pxHe never complimented men, but when I went to take a bath and was concerned about no coverings on the window, he said, well, who would want to look at that. =14.67pxHe never said he had any sexual fantasies about dressing up, he complimented my lingerie. =14.67pxHe never said I think we should use a condom, when he potentially exposed me to HIV. =14.67pxHe never said, I waited  twenty five  years for you to discover my lie, he seemed surprised I had. =14.67pxHe never apologized for his boyfriend sending a bidet to our home on his birthday saying it was a gift from someone else, he said do you think that’s an odd gift from a male friend? =14.67pxHe never looked surprised, when I reiterated text messages like “does your wife fxxx you like that”?, he had no expression. =14.67pxHe sat indignant on the sofa the following night after discovery, when I requested space, he refused to leave. =14.67pxHe sat staring at me, waiting for my rage, recording me on his phone, and when I requested he stop recording me and I reached for his phone, he stood up and pushed me hard onto the wooden floor. When I lifted my head up, inches from the glass doors, dazed, he was standing over me recording me. =14.67pxHe never answered the door when the police came to serve the restraining order, he waited for them to leave. =14.67pxHe didn’t end up being who I somehow thought he was. I saw this dark side to him I hadn’t seen before.  =14.67pxHe seemed strategic, manipulative, selfish and callous. Sometimes I think I lost him in those moments, but then I realize he was never the person I thought he was. =14.67pxHe had created this person to protect his secret. and the better husband, father he was, the closer he held his secret. =14.67pxI wonder what it is like to live out your life in such a deceptive way. To proclaim you love people and then discard them in a heartbeat because you are so filled with shame. To not accept any accountability for your actions, but to hide. =14.67pxI never said, this is the worse thing that’s ever happened to me in my entire life. I never said I am so traumatized by discovering my marriage was meaningless, it’s hard to find a way forward. I never said, I am so devastated by how deeply you have wounded our children. I never said, I will be in disbelief until I take my last breath.  =14.67pxI said, how could you and how dare you?