magellaniccloud wrote:

  I am done condoning her selfish actions to "discover" and "heal" herself of her unhappiness.

You can not make anyone in this world happy. That is their responsibility, 100%. If you search for happiness elsewhere, it will never be where you are at. Let them go. I had to do the same. My ex claims to be gay now, likely to avoid responsibility for her actions. Do I care? I do not. All that matters is I endured a 19 year marriage and I was happy, because being happy has always been my responsibility. Was I mis-treated? Emotionally abused? Neglected? Taken for granted? All of the above, but the key was finding out "WHY" I accepted that behavior from someone else. Now that I have healed that, I am now happy, healed and thriving in a relationship I never even thought possible with my friend from high school She is amazing. There is hope, but its up to you, all of us to focus on our own healing, not on how sick our GID ex (or near to be ex) spouses are/were. 

Be well, happy thanksgiving to all who celebrate. 
 

Hey John!
Just read your story. I am sorry you are going through this.
You can read my posts, but in short- my ex also came out as bi. We are still in contact, but I haven’t asked in a long time what he identifies as (bi/gay) because it doesn’t matter to me. He lives with a man now.
You are at the beginning of this emotional rollercoaster, so try and remember that it will be lots of ups and downs. But it will get better and life can be amazing if you let it.
I still come to this site because I feel a connection with people here, and because I think it’s important to give support to others. But I have menaged to let go and enjoy my life. My separation gave me a new beginning in life and it’s great.
This was unimaginable to me as it happened 1,5 years ago.
Take care of yourself and trust your gut.
Love and a hug!

John, I know you are hoping there's some way to accommodate your spouse and save your marriage. I think many here wanted that. If you can do it, good for you, but remember that you matter. "You are not obligated to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm." That was another member's tag line in their signature. They haven't posted in a long time but it's a statement worth remembering. Definitely continue your counseling. Get some perspective and clarity before anyone makes decisions that allows events that cannot be undone, such as intimacy with another or agreeing that it would be permissible. Also ask yourself, is this how you deserve to be treated ? What would your advice be if a close friend confided a situation like this to you ? Many of us have been where you are now. Post as much as you need to. It's always a disorienting roller coaster at the beginning.

John, I read your story and felt your pain, like many of us partners/spouses that have been gaslit, lied, betrayed and emotionally or physically cheated on.  It seems like they are on a fast running train with no turning back to us.  It hurts like hell when they are emotionally detached from us, not wanting sexual relations with us, oblivious to our presence while they are nonstop texting. It’s down right disrespectful to a supposedly committed relationship.  Only when push comes to shove or with evidence, they will only admit what you know.  Saying they will never cheat, want to stay in our relationship, you are the most important person in the world is ludicrous while their emotional behaviors continue towards someone else. Mine wanted to live as roommates too, although we did not have kids.  I was the beard, and economically paid half of all expenses and mortgage.  It also is baloney to stay together 'because we have history and have gone through ups and downs."  They sometimes want to change the rules about monogamy, to see if it will be acceptable to you.  Whats with that!  We are kind and trusting by nature, would never do this to our partners..therefore we tend to believe their BS and thinking we can save the relationship.  Most of us here have walked in your shoes..  while some people may have saved their marriage or may have lived as roommates, or opened up their marriage....I think it is rare.  The most important thing to say to yourself is..what do I want.  
Doesn’t matter what the sexual label is, gay, bi, trans etc..if you aren’t the most important person to them, what’s in it for you.  I’ve been through this cluster f.@k and had confusion, stress, as well as anger, depression and anxiety.  **Taken Care of yourself the best you can.  **You are taking the right steps to post here, counseling for yourself. ** Try to eat well, sleep and rest. **Read the First Aid kit on this site.  * Don’t isolate yourself, although at the beginning you will want to.  Journaling helped me.  I talked to my sister, who I trusted as I was bewildered out of my mind.  I didn’t want to stay with mine, I was disrespected, gaslit and abused verbally and emotionally.  I let mine go, to live his life with his sexual harmony and desires.  Sending you a big Hug across the miles.  Post as much as you want.

Last edited by Norah (July 17, 2024 12:17 am)

When a gay partner tells a straight partner that they may be bisexual, what they are in fact telling them is that they are in fact gay. If you are straight, and are in what you believe to be a straight relationship, the straight portion of a bisexual relationship is irrelevant. They are not telling you that they are a bit straight, they are telling you that they are a bit gay. If they have no intention of acting on their homosexual desire, there is no point in divulging this as a revelation. Something has changed in their view of the relationship when your view has not. This tends to mean the involvement of a third party as a confidante, or a facilitator who either causes them to question themselves or directly seduces them emotionally. If they try to rely on their own research into the subject of whether they are, or are not gay, there is virtually no information available to them that could reassure them that they are not. The simplest truth is that, straight people do not question their sexuality. Only gay people have cause to. As soon as a partner voices any concern that they may have about their sexuality. There is no way back. There is only going to be a gradually increasing, and ever more slippery slope.