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1 of 1- dd
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Ripping out my heart
I have always had horrible luck in relationships. When I was 40 years old, and after 2 years of being single by choice, I met this wonderful man 19 years younger than me, and we fell in love. We were just friends for an entire year, living together as flatmates, in perfect harmony. Everyone thought he was too young for me, myself included, but our relationship persisted for 10 years and grew stronger all the time. Last December (2023) he got down on one knee and proposed to me. I was in heaven. I felt the happiest I had ever been.
I was deathly scared to be so happy, because my past experience has taught me that when you are up, you have something to lose - and I had so much to lose...
Well, I was right to be scared, because last night my loving fiancee and husband to be, told me he was basically GAY. Not bisexual, like I thought, but more or less gay. He has since said we would definitely have sex again, that he still desires me, but he just swings "very heavily" in the other direction. Of course, I want to believe him when he says he still loves me and doesn't want to leave, and that everything will be OK. He says, "nothing's changed", but the truth is, my heart has been ripped out once again. And I know from bitter experience, the devastating impact this will have on my mental state, my work, my writing (I am a passionate writer working on establishing myself as a professional author), basically every part of my life. I am older than he is, but I don't look my age. I am very fit, very active, and I crave sex and intimacy with the man I love, on a regular basis. Once a month isn't going to cut it.
I am isolated, too. We live on acreage, I work from home, and I write huge number of hours every day. I don't watch TV, I don't go out to socialise. I just work, ride my horses, and write. Well, until now I also enjoyed great sex, the best ever sex, with my loving partner, every day that he was home. Plus, trips away with him when we could organise it. Now he is talking about going out to have sex with men, which actually is fine with me, I've never been jealous of other men and I've dated a bisexual man before. But he also talks of going away to have fun with other friends, for a weekend, again without me. I am already quite isolated and alone (not lonely, I don't get lonely as a rule). I worry that this will just pull us apart and then I will kick myself for letting it drag along. I am torn right now, between a desire to keep going and stay with someone I love, and the need to protect myself from serious harm. I know he loves me, I just don't know if he can fulfil my needs for intimacy and companionship, anymore. And I also worry, for the first time ever, that he will one day fall in love with a man and leave me.
At times I think my problem is that I am so accepting of different sexualities. They really don't bother me, I love men in whatever sexuality they come to me. I've dated and loved a cross-dresser, and I've been in an open relationship, too. Then again, by my own admission, I've had terrible luck in relationships. And that could be precisely because I tolerate things that other people wouldn't. By remaining attached to men who lack capacity to love me as I need to be loved, I feel I have possibly closed the door to other, more appropriate suitors, in the past. At 51 years of age, I am no longer looking for a man to start a family with. Just someone to love me, someone to be silly with, and yes, to have some hot sex still - is that wrong to say here? I hope not.. In short, I am confused about the best way forward. Past experience and gut instinct are telling me to run. But my heart is saying, you can't move a muscle, you love him.
- Rob
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Re: Ripping out my heart
dd,
They love us but they hurt us. We love them and we don't hurt them..
You're in a tough spot but all I can add... is it will you eat you up ... is he meeting a friend for a beer or to have sex? Why should you have to wonder? I would physically shake when my GX went out... is she shopping or having sex with the current female she is with.. Some are friends , one is her lover.. maybe they are all her lovers.. Its not part of a healthy relationship with one's spouse. And then add the in the injustice that they do not worry about the same for us. Are these spouses gods? Semi-gods, omnipotent beings that do not have to follow normal decent morals?
Such is the horribleness of TGT.
Wishing you strength and self love on your journey.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Ripping out my heart
Please don't marry this man. You need to protect your finances and not let what you own become "marital property."
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Ripping out my heart
Edited to add... don't LET him rip your heart out dd. Use your head and see what is happening
This is just the beginning. Your heart is with everything good you had, and still have, with this man. He's found you, he's wrapped you up in his love and convinced you that, r'ship-wise, you're both so good together...why throw it away? If course he says he still desires you. He probably does sometimes (if he does he may not be gay, more bisexual?)
I had a few red flags I ignored in my r'ship. He said one day he was fine with me going away with another man for a few days. I didn't, I never would have...what the fuck!
But you have possibly given him the idea that you're okay with him seeing others and once you say, or even appear to him to say "yes sure go ahead!"... give them an inch (and I'm not talking cocksize) and they'll take a mile.
You have a lot of thinking to do. Keep posting here, ask questions. There will always be somebody reading and answering.
It took me years to finally realise what having sex with a man who was having sex with others was doing to my self-esteem. And a few more years to leave him
Elle
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (April 26, 2024 2:54 pm)
KIA KAHA
- dd
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Re: Ripping out my heart
Thank you for your thoughts, Ellexoh_nz and OutofHisCloset, and Rob...
I will not be going ahead with the wedding unless and until I feel happy and secure in our relationship, which will take some time to be sure of, if ever. I am on here to try and get some guidance and some moral support, precisely because I do not want to go through it alone, and end up making a terrible mistake. As a long-term de facto couple, we are very enmeshed financially and the courts will split up our assets quite evenly, regardless of our married state. I am actually a trained lawyer (just not practicing any more, I got out of that rat race to work in government instead, which is a lot lower stress), so I know the law quite well and I won't be wasting money on lawyers.
At this point, I genuinely believe I am "fine" with him sleeping with other men, based on the fact that it has never worried me before, in my other relationship with a bisexual. IF my current partner shows me that he can satisfy my sexual needs and otherwise remain present in the relationship, I do not see too many barriers to staying with him. Having said that, I reserve the right to change my mind if I feel unhappy at any point. I think he knows this, and this is what has been holding him back from enjoying himself with other men so far - despite the fact that I gave him blanket permission to do so, 10 years ago.
If he shows good continued interest in me sexually, he is not fully gay, but more bisexual, and I have told him this, last night while in bed with him and witnessing his arousal. He seems quite confused about it all, to me, which is both a good and a bad thing. The scary part is, he might finally decide that he is fully gay and fall in love with a man, and then leave me. This is why I plan to use the freedom he has bestowed on me, to begin carefully interacting with potential suitors for myself.. while noting that I do not really have a burning desire to BE in a relationship with anyone. It would take a very extraordinary man to sweep me off my feet and make me want to commit to a full-blown, monogamous relationship. I honestly can't imagine it happening, for a number of personal reasons that I won't go into right now. Suffice to say, I am not an ordinary person by any reckoning, I don't fit the standard mold, and I am comfortable with myself exactly as I am. I have a lot of empathy for anyone struggling with their identity, especially if they are also a good, honest person, as my partner is. Let's face it - he could have kept the lie going indefinitely and I would've been none the wiser. In telling me, he has risked everything that he has built with me, it was a brave and very decent thing to do, so I feel no animosity toward him and probably never will.
My main concern, really, is to protect myself from further hurt, because being strong isn't enough. I'm still human and when facing rejection and/or loss of my loving partner, I am just as vulnerable as the next person. Owing to my isolated living circumstances, I am also at greater risk of suicide, which I am keen to prevent. I have a simple goal for the future, which is to keep myself safe and to claw my way back to happiness, one way or another. Yes, I could have a new man tomorrow, if I wished (farmers are always looking for wives, around here), but like I said, I'm not an ordinary person. I must live my life on my terms, and that does not necessarily include a man to lord it over me or tell me what to do...
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Thread Starter- dd
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Re: Ripping out my heart
Canary2
Thank you for sharing that story. I feel your genuine concern and respect it greatly. I was in a co-dependent relationship once, with an alcoholic. I know the pitfalls of such a relationship, but when I look back on it, I also know - with the clarity and perfect vision of hindsight - that I have zero regrets about it. That may sound crazy, considering how harmful being with him was, but the fact is, I know damn well why I made the choices I made, at the time. I did not actually keep him next to me long. I kicked him out after just 6 months, then went on seeing him casually, for 8 years! The first year or so, he was close enough to come see me, after this I moved across Australia to put some distance between us and try to wean myself off him. He never raised his hand at me and never begrudged me this move. Indeed, he understood and encouraged me to do it. He knew his problem, had joined AA and failed, and he was shattered about it all. Everything about us was horribly beautiful. He was my soulmate, in many way, but so damaged and unable to care for me, that a relationship simply wasn't possible. I died a million deaths while trying to forget him, and I kept buying plane tickets to go see him. The sex was out of this world. Simply unforgettable. I have some videos of him today (not sex tapes, lol, just videos) and hearing his voice still makes my insides constrict in the most sexual way... he was murdered by his flatmate in 2013, otherwise who knows? I'd probably still be in touch! I certainly speak to his father every so and so...
My current partner, however, is a different story. He is healthy, very savvy about STDs and protection, very selective with partners - we do not have a monogamous relationship really, it's not what we are about - and he earns about twice what I do. He not only contributes to the household... he pays a lot more on the mortgage, supports my lifestyle with horses, and has bought me a $100k car to tow the horse float with. During our one year sharing a house as mere flatmates, he was always respectful of me, always my best friend, always there for me when I needed help, without me needing to ask. He is still the same today, which is why I frequently worry about him sacrificing too many things, for me.
Sure, I have my job, and prospects as a writer (you may laugh, but I am seriously talented and totally driven, I already have publishers expressing interest in my work). But this is not about money, for him. This much, I know. If anything, he fell in love with my kind heart, and I understand that this can make me a target for needy men, but.... who in this world is truly not needy? We all need love. The question isn't "does he need me?" The question is, "does he fulfil my needs"? So far, he has done so admirably. He has healed many of my past hurts, over the past 10 years. I have so much to be thankful for, and a lot of it could never have happened without his help. And still, he asks for nothing in return. If I am not happy, he will leave, we will split assets fair and square, and that will be that.
Please understand, I am not dismissing your advice. But if your story were a legal case that I was presenting to a judge as part of my research, and my case was the case the judge was trying to decide, the first thing I would have to say is, "this case is distinguishable from yours, because of x, y, z". It is not a directly comparable case that can readily be applied to my situation, and the judge would therefore not use it as such. Rather, it would be a case that his/her Honour might refer to in their judgment as "case x, distinguished"...
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Ripping out my heart
dd wrote:
.
At this point, I genuinely believe I am "fine" with him sleeping with other men, based on the fact that it has norried me before, in my other relationship with a bisexual.
If my current partner shows me that he can satisfy my sexual needs and otherwise remain present in the relationship, I do not see too many barriers to staying with him.
.
I think you're looking for support in the wrong forum. This one is for straightspouses who have been devastated by their LGBTQ others and deciding their direction. You around like you have yours planned already
E
KIA KAHA
- Alex1984
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Re: Ripping out my heart
Dear dd,
This is very sad you found yourself in this situation... welcome to the forum... I think my advice will differ slightly... I think it is still early days. In sounds like you have the advantage of a stable and loving relationship and active sex life, which many women on this forum, unfortunately, didn't experience. It also sounds like he has been honest with you and is talking to you before acting on his same-sex attraction, am I correct? Before you throw in a towel, please consider:
1. Reading this resource: There are also Facebook groups for Mixed Orientation Relationships that can help. Just search for "Mixed orientation relationships" on Facebook.
2. Voicing your feelings to him!!! Don't assume that his same-sex attraction is going to be more important to him than your wellbeing and your relationship. Tell him what you are ok with and what hurts you. Every feeling you are experiencing is 100% valid. This is the best test to see how good your relationship is and how good of a husband he might be. Will he listen? Will he compromise?
3. Giving it some time. I think it's wise you aren't proceeding with the marriage until you are feeling fully secure again, but also don't just throw away 10 years of happy relationship. Be prepared for a long haul. This was personally the hardest thing for me. I like solving problems quickly: stay or leave. This is not one of those problems. I gave myself 12 months before I even consider making the decision either way (we are 6 months in, and I am definitely more on the "stay" side currently). Of course, if it becomes a mental health hazard, you may need to remove yourself, but if things aren't ugly - give it time.
4. Look for support. Counselling, friends, family, books or forums - anything that will fill your cup. Look for varied, nuanced perspectives. People tend to pass very strong judgements one way or another - and neither might sit well with you.
5. Put yourself first. What do you need out of this relationship? What can HE do for YOU? He is asking for quite substantial compromises on your part - and his sexuality is not an excuse - what compromises is he prepared to make for YOU? What are your emotional, social and sexual needs? Read up on ENM (ethical non-monogamy) - could this be something for you? Or do you have to stay monogamous to be happy? If so, you have to tell him! Maybe you are ok with him having casual sex, but not ok with weekends away - let him know! From personal experience, it is not always "you give him an inch, they take a mile". This can absolutely be the case, but the whole intrigue could also "fizzle out", become far less appealing once it is permitted. It can go either way! Also, great idea on the dating side! If he wants to see other people, you should also be allowed. I found me going on a few apps and starting conversations with potential suitors made the idea of "open-relationship" A LOT less appealing for him. He has never been a jealous type, but his definitely made him more aware that I have options. Some mixed couples find they have similar taste in guys, this may make the whole exprience a lot more palatable or even pleasant.
6. While I think it's important to keep an open mind and give your relationship a strong chance, for me personally, it was good to plan for the less positive outcome, too. I asked my husband for a post-nup (we never got one before getting married). We calmly discuss what would happen if either of us was to initiate the divorce. It was a very hard conversation (particularly for my man, as I think he is more afraid of separation than I am), but it definitely calmed me down to have a "Plan B" I could execute, should the "Plan A" fail. Subsequently, I think it was good for him, too. Happy wife, happy life 
On the "what if he is more gay" part... man... I hear you! I think our outlook on life is very similar. Here are two facts:
1. He can be 100% straight, meet another woman and fall in love with her. Talk about it. Look into NRE (new relationship energy - it's a polyamorous term). Discuss it with him, see how you can potentially manage it, IF it was to happen. Most likely, he never even considered it a possibility, he just wants sex and is still in love with you.
2. Read up some stories of fully gay guys married to women. There are some really encouraging ones. Most of them are from the religious communities, but I think any couple can follow their advice.
I am in the same place. My main concern is what if he is more/primarily gay and DOESN'T leave me. Will our marriage forever hold him back from living his true authentic self? It's a mindbending thought, but I am delaying it until later. I am hoping his sexual fluidity will stabilise in the next few months, once he's had some experiences and went through the "gay adolecence" phase.
Good luck and stay strong! <3
Last edited by Alex1984 (May 18, 2024 12:43 am)