dd,
They love us but they hurt us.  We love them and we don't hurt them..

You're in a tough spot but all I can add... is  it will you eat you up ... is he meeting a friend for a beer or to have sex?   Why should you have to wonder?    I would physically shake when my GX went out... is she shopping or having sex with the current female she is with..   Some are friends , one is her lover..  maybe they are all her lovers..    Its not part of a healthy relationship with one's spouse.    And then add the in the injustice that they do not worry about the same for us.    Are these spouses gods?  Semi-gods, omnipotent beings that do not have to follow normal decent morals?

Such is the horribleness of TGT.        

Wishing you strength and self love on your journey.

 

Edited to add... don't LET him rip your heart out dd. Use your head and see what is happening

This is just the beginning. Your heart is  with everything good you had, and still have, with this man. He's found you, he's wrapped you up in his love and convinced you that, r'ship-wise, you're both so good together...why throw it away? If course he says he still desires you. He probably does sometimes (if he does he may not be gay, more bisexual?)

I had a few red flags I ignored in my r'ship. He said one day he was fine with me going away with another man for a few days. I didn't, I never would have...what the fuck!

But you have possibly given him the idea that you're okay with him seeing others and once you say, or even appear to him to say "yes sure go ahead!"... give them an inch (and I'm not talking cocksize) and they'll take a mile.

You have a lot of thinking to do. Keep posting here, ask questions. There will always be somebody reading and answering.

It took me years to finally realise what having sex with a man who was having sex with others was doing to my self-esteem. And a few more years to leave him

Elle

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (April 26, 2024 2:54 pm)

Canary2
Thank you for sharing that story. I feel your genuine concern and respect it greatly. I was in a co-dependent relationship once, with an alcoholic. I know the pitfalls of such a relationship, but when I look back on it, I also know - with the clarity and perfect vision of hindsight - that I have zero regrets about it. That may sound crazy, considering how harmful being with him was, but the fact is, I know damn well why I made the choices I made, at the time. I did not actually keep him next to me long. I kicked him out after just 6 months, then went on seeing him casually, for 8 years! The first year or so, he was close enough to come see me, after this I moved across Australia to put some distance between us and try to wean myself off him. He never raised his hand at me and never begrudged me this move. Indeed, he understood and encouraged me to do it. He knew his problem, had joined AA and failed, and he was shattered about it all. Everything about us was horribly beautiful. He was my soulmate, in many way, but so damaged and unable to care for me, that a relationship simply wasn't possible. I died a million deaths while trying to forget him, and I kept buying plane tickets to go see him. The sex was out of this world. Simply unforgettable. I have some videos of him today (not sex tapes, lol, just videos) and hearing his voice still makes my insides constrict in the most sexual way... he was murdered by his flatmate in 2013, otherwise who knows? I'd probably still be in touch! I certainly speak to his father every so and so... 

My current partner, however, is a different story. He is healthy, very savvy about STDs and protection, very selective with partners - we do not have a monogamous relationship really, it's not what we are about - and he earns about twice what I do. He not only contributes to the household... he pays a lot more on the mortgage, supports my lifestyle with horses, and has bought me a $100k car to tow the horse float with. During our one year sharing a house as mere flatmates, he was always respectful of me, always my best friend, always there for me when I needed help, without me needing to ask. He is still the same today, which is why I frequently worry about him sacrificing too many things, for me. 

Sure, I have my job, and prospects as a writer (you may laugh, but I am seriously talented and totally driven, I already have publishers expressing interest in my work). But this is not about money, for him. This much, I know. If anything, he fell in love with my kind heart, and I understand that this can make me a target for needy men, but.... who in this world is truly not needy? We all need love. The question isn't "does he need me?" The question is, "does he fulfil my needs"? So far, he has done so admirably. He has healed many of my past hurts, over the past 10 years. I have so much to be thankful for, and a lot of it could never have happened without his help. And still, he asks for nothing in return. If I am not happy, he will leave, we will split assets fair and square, and that will be that. 

Please understand, I am not dismissing your advice. But if your story were a legal case that I was presenting to a judge as part of my research, and my case was the case the judge was trying to decide, the first thing I would have to say is, "this case is distinguishable from yours, because of x, y, z". It is not a directly comparable case that can readily be applied to my situation, and the judge would therefore not use it as such. Rather, it would be a case that his/her Honour might refer to in their judgment as "case x, distinguished"...