Diff I guess,
You were extremely helpful and really explained everything thoroughly and easy to understand so thank you. Here is a conversation me and my boyfriend had today. If you can, can you please help me understand this better? I think I asked him the write questions, but I'd like some insight? I tried to private message you but this message was too long. Sean if you would like to comment and give some insight as well I'd appreciate it. I'm really getting to the end of this and don't even have any negative emotions towards this relationship. We haven't had sex in 6 months and I'm starting to see this relationship for what it is.
Me 
Well, my concern has been past things you've done that make me feel like I can't trust you. I realize it isn't a deficiency on my part and I just don't have the right parts. I don't take that personal, but I do worry it wouldn't be enough in the future or if you miss that part of your life that would make there be problems within our relationship. Obviously past things that you seem to be in denial about but I'm over talking about it through text.
Him
As far as the whole wrong parts statement though, you're completely mistaken. I'm sure everyone's bisexuality is different but I far prefer actual women n have been with 10x as many actual women and I'm only interested in sex with someone I'm in a relationship with n have no desire to be in a relationship with a trans girl. And to be honest, I have absolutely zero attraction to men, which idk if u believe that even though I know it to be true. I think if you would believe that then a lot more things from past wouldn't be an issue.

Me
Saying u have no attraction to men is the denial I'm talking about. You may be emotionally attracted to women but sexually attracted to men and women. A transexual is a man. Either way your saying, I don't like men but I was on grindr which is a gay app for men who want sex with other men (I sound like Sean lol been reading all of this thread), you've looked at men in public and seem to want validation from them constantly,  and u like bdsm and say that u can go without it but that's not something most people can just go without when their having sex.
Him
Failing to recognize that is assuming you're right when I know you're dead wrong. That's not me in denial. Thats me having a clear sense of what I like n don't like.
Me
A penis belongs to a man not a woman.
Him
Also, please acknowledge that ultimately if I look at someone doesn't mean I'm checking them out n there is a distinction between a man and a trans girl, at least to me. Your thought processes play a role in our conflict. I know I've done some things n probably play the larger role in this, but I'm hoping you'll acknowledge your role. Let me give you an example. What's a type of guy you aren't attracted to whatsoever. Like physically I mean?
Me
Bigger, hairy, dresses ugly
Him
The point I make is this. If I accuse you of checking out a fat n hairy guy, it'd be completely ridiculous because u have no attraction for them. I have even less attraction to men than u do to fat n hairy guys. Same thing with women that are a skinny twig . So your thoughts that I've been checking out guys in public is simply not true.

Me
Then why are u attracted to a transwomen?
Him
Because I have a prostate which feels good to be stimulated once in a while. Just not attracted to the other forms of masculinity other than appendage. I know it's abnormal but it's how I feel n it's my sexuality. I'm ok with that. But that doesn't mean I'm discontent with u.

Me
It's not for their tits because most around here don't have any because if that was case, you'd just like women and not be bisexual. A trans woman is a man. born a male with a penis not a vagina therefore you like trans women because they have a penis. i don't care just don't see how u can say you're not attracted to men. Being bisexual means your attracted to both male and female so why do u say your bisexual if your only attracted to "females"?
Him
Your logic is fine I suppose. Classify them as men if u wish. I think they're kind of in between type deal, but it doesn't matter really. And it takes a shit load of work n surgery for them to appear like a woman so the vast majority of them are not attractive to me.

So Diff I guess and Sean,
If he likes his prostate massaged "every once in a while", why not use a dildo? why mess around with a trans person?  N if there aren't that many around that he's attracted to why not just mess with a man because their assessable and they have a penis (appendage) and they are on grindr. Why is he in such denial?
Thank you guys so much for all your help

started a new thread for this, but I'm keen to hear Sean's opinion too, so reposting here (thanks for all your input, Sean!)

A few years ago I noticed that, shortly after my wife and I would have sex, she would often fly into a terrible anger over a completely trivial thing. Sometimes this was later the same day, sometimes it was the next day. I should stress that this was, um ...  not because she found the sex physically disappointing. 

I came to think of it as a kind of reverse afterglow.

At first, I put it down to hormones, peri-menopause, whatever. Then I wondered - there must be something more to this.

Is this a common experience with GID spouses? Even if they enjoy the physical release, does the whole experience leave the GID spouse angry and depressed?

Last edited by PJ (November 8, 2023 8:45 am)

Thank you for writing PJ and Gwen. My apologies PJ but I can't provide any insight into what you experienced with your questioning/closeted wife. I hope the kind members here can provide additional insights. In response to Gwen: 

1. Hi Sean, I wanted to give you and everyone an update.  What an awkward time! I am legally separated and can file for a divorce in early January! I must admit the detachment phase has been challenging. However, I have discovered what honoring myself and owning my voice means.

Separation/divorce are hard...for everyone. But it sounds like you're detaching from your future ex-husband. 

2. We are coming up on the holidays and I told my Ex-future husband that we will not host our families for Thanksgiving. We can have Thanksgiving dinner with the kids. My future ex-husband asked me, "Why did my Family decide not to join us for dinner?"! I told him it was awkward for us and we were still sorting through our new normal. I think he is still in denial! 

This is a huge step my friend so brava! Yes it sounds like your future ex-husband is still in deep denial. 

3. I have stopped trying to keep things the same and accept traditions may change. For example, my future GID Ex is taking the kids with him on Sunday to celebrate his Sister's birthday party. While it's a change, I welcome the alone time! I'm hosting my best girlfriends for a birthday dinner party! YAY! I also told my husband we are having a Christmas tree this year! We haven't had a tree for years because of him! I look forward to decorating the tree with my children!
 
Progress! I'm so happy for you and your children. It sounds like you're emotionally detaching from this troubled/toxic man. 

4. Here's my dilemma. My hardest problem is trying to make him admit that he caused the demise of our marriage!

Sigh. 

5. We had a heated discussion last night where he blamed me for my inability to love. I know it's bullsh** and blameshifting but it's the highest level of insult and injury.

Bigger sigh. Yes the blameshift is complete bullsh*t. It's time to get off his pink crazy-go-round and accept honesty and accountability are two concepts completely foreign to him. What you're doing is similar to asking a future ex-husband to suddenly be fluent in a language he doesn't understand; like Mandarin. Move on.

6. I still find myself trying to make him see it my way. I know it's useless!

Correct. So stop butting your head against that fabulous pink wall. 

7. I know HE will not confess that his relationship with a married man is the reason his Marriage ended. I have been dating a good man...

Good for you. Now protect yourself and this boyfriend from your crazy *ss future ex-husband. 

8. ...and now my GID Ex likes to evade accountability by trying to include me in this failed relationship. I tell him that his initial actions to invite his love-interest boyfriend, Bill, into our lives ruined our marriage. His dishonesty and bisexual practices caused our marriage to end. I know it's a pointless conversation and I plan to stop.

How about we stop today! No need to continue arguing with stupid. 

9. I needed to vent! 

Vent away. That's what this forum is about. Thanks again for sharing. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (November 8, 2023 1:33 pm)

Shh0406 wrote:

Diff I guess,

So Diff I guess and Sean,
If he likes his prostate massaged "every once in a while", why not use a dildo? why mess around with a trans person?  N if there aren't that many around that he's attracted to why not just mess with a man because their assessable and they have a penis (appendage) and they are on grindr. Why is he in such denial?
Thank you guys so much for all your help

If this was a straight guy, he would probably get a woman to use the dildo on him more than likely. I have known one straight guy that did ask his girlfriend to do it (and he didn’t like it). For men who are into trans it seems to be that the turn on is that the transwoman is actually a man. 

 If this guy is eyeing men, he is not straight, not straight, don’t expect him to be. Straight men generally don’t find men attractive. This guy is bi.. The problem, isn’t he does not find your parts attractive. He simply cannot be monogamous period. Bi men like both men and women. Basically, if you were a man, he would be cheating on you with a transwoman or a woman. 

 Anyway, If this helps. I am a gay guy. I like men, not all men I do have my types but generally like manly, deep voice build. The penis maybe an accessory, but it is rather a non-negotiable one. For a gay guy the turn on is the male body and yes, the penis.  I might have a bit of attraction to women but no where near enough to drive me to download Ashly Madison or to go seek female only porn. As the saying goes it is like comparing a dying flash light (attraction to women) to blinding sunlight(attraction to men). 

 I think the reason why he is in a lot of denial about it is because:

 A. He isn’t gay (You’ve got yourself a bonified bisexual there)

B. He likes MTF transwomen

C. The abuse. 

 As for not mess with a man, most men just might not be his type. Or, he has some hang up about it.  It usually takes more than just a penis to attract another gay guy on stuff like Grindr.

The problem here is expectations.  You have a very reasonable expectation that the guy you are with not cheat and esp. not cheat with trans people.  I don’t think he can fulfill it.  

I think if he were honest with himself, he would admit that he might not mind a relationship with a transperson that goes beyond sexual. I think he just does not want the negative aspects that could go with being with a transperson in a non-sexual setting. 

Form my own person experience accepting that I was gay there was the stage where you are scared to be seen in public with another gay person.  In private yes, usualy without clothes in public heck no. So, to in order to go out a date, you think that maybe the people around you at a restaurant will think you are just friends and not two guys out on a date.  That fear would keep him from attempting to take his relationship with a transwoman beyond sexual.  The other thing is he might not have gotten more than sexual attracted to a transperson yet. A few minutes rolling around the hay usually does not lead to love.

Last edited by Diff I guess (November 8, 2023 11:14 pm)

Here is my view: Shh0406:

No, I don’t want to brush all bisexuals with will cheat, but this one has cheated and more than likely more than once. Guys that use grindr tend to have more than just one sex partner(or the guy he is meeting with does). The thing with a bisexual isn’t that they will leave for another guy. They could leave you for either.  And, yes dear the STD risk is real. In my ancient wild days, I could tell you some horror stories about that. I am lucky I didn’t get one, but I had more than one time when shall we say the other guy obviously had something(and one of them was married…). The only reason to use grindr is if you are seeking gay sex period. 

Also, if he claims that that one was the only one whom he had a good(sexual) experience with, he is lying. He wouldn’t keep seeking them if that were true. I believe you stated early he had had four relationships with them in the past

Now, I know why you are trying to right this ship rather than running for the lifeboats. My advice to you is heck no, don’t sleep with this guy. Too dammed risky. Don’t try fixing this guy, you can’t. Do focus on working on your exit plan.  Don’t worry about where he has been or whom he has been with, focus on your children, your work and don’t get distracted from your schoolwork. Put the time, money, and energy that you have put into relationship therapy into getting in a better position should things turn sour.  I think at the moment (at least) he may need you for cover (i.e. The appearance that he is straight and not having any sort of gay/bi/trans relationship) which is why he may be sticking around. Don’t know how long that can last (Decades or Weeks). If you need therapy, get it for yourself as the situation you are in is very stressful. Try putting aside a little bit of money if you can for an emergency fund. Doesn’t need to be hundreds just a few bucks can be a start.

This maybe a heartbreaking experience, but it does not have to break you. You are not the first woman to be in a bad position in terms of not being able to exit now with a boyfriend who is doing men.  There are almost certainly ladies here who could give you a little advice and perspective on that here.

Last edited by Diff I guess (November 14, 2023 2:43 am)