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November 15, 2016 5:22 pm  #21


Re: Bisexual Men in Straight Relationships

lily wrote:

Hi Gus, you sound just like my bisexual friend did when he was young.  He would insist it didn't matter what sex they were, it was the person he fell in love with.  

do you find you tend to go from man to woman to man to woman?  

he still fully identifies as bisexual but he knows he is gay because eventually he realised that it was Brad Pitt he fantasised about. 

Hi, Lily!

I have had about the same amount of "serious" relationships between both genders. I don't have a preference while trying to date or even have sex with. I can and have had these interaction equally with both... I can actually share that I have fallen in love with persons of both genders.

I have never went from one gender to the other out of spite, discomfort nor anything of the sort, I really never end a relationship in a bad tone, I still have contact with all of them.

I think that this happens because I am an open book, quite direct and communicative, I sometimes come across as rude because I say what I think (currently improving in a more tactful way to say them) but everyone knows I am like this and this has helped when it comes to meeting people that I feel attracted to, since they all knew before even attempting a relationship who I am. It also helps that to me, bisexuality is not the same as promiscuity. I am very open to different type of relationships, ie, polyamory, etc, but if I have a monogamous relationship with a person, I do not attempt having any similar or sexual relationship with any other one. If the relationship starts as a polyamorous one, then I might... Although honestly, is quite hard for me to have sexual interaction if I don't find the person attractive in every way, not just physically. I never act on sexual urges, I try to be open but mature and stable, so acting on sexual urges is not my "cup of tea".

Of course, this is my personal experience. In a different spectrum, I do think your spouse or ex-spouse might be bisexual, but not just in the way you think: that's why I brought the Kinsey Scale up.

PS: I fantasize not based on gender, I actually fantasize about people I know and already like/love, and if I try to think about a gender count... I think is quite even.

 

November 15, 2016 5:46 pm  #22


Re: Bisexual Men in Straight Relationships

Gus, I'm not quite sure what your point here is actually, but I take offense when you suggest that perhaps open communication might be the "key."  And secondly, when you suggest that you can pick out the gay folk based on their mannerisms? That's a downright scary statement. If that were the case, I doubt there would be a need for this forum, as I'm quite sure none of us would have knowingly married a gay partner based on their appearance.

 

November 15, 2016 7:30 pm  #23


Re: Bisexual Men in Straight Relationships

Gus, you sound like a bit of a stud to me.  

And it's nice of you to be considerate when having a relationship with a monogamous person but I don't think you are the monogamous type yourself - you don't appear to really understand what it's like.

okay so next questions - have you had a relationship with a bisexual?  have all your male partners been gay and your female partners straight?

thanks, Lily

 

November 15, 2016 10:38 pm  #24


Re: Bisexual Men in Straight Relationships

Dee wrote:

Gus, I'm not quite sure what your point here is actually, but I take offense when you suggest that perhaps open communication might be the "key." And secondly, when you suggest that you can pick out the gay folk based on their mannerisms? That's a downright scary statement. If that were the case, I doubt there would be a need for this forum, as I'm quite sure none of us would have knowingly married a gay partner based on their appearance.

Hi, Dee!

This thread was made to try to understand bisexuals, and your experience seems to be entirely upon observation and what you lived with your couple (which is OK and what actually matters to you), so I decided that maybe I as a bisexual male could at least help to try to understand.

When I say that you can discern the homosexual from bisexual, I am by no means insulting or being condescending, I'm telling so you can be wary because nobody deserves to live through what you have lived.
Especially since we as humans do tend to make the same mistake more than once.

Lily.

I might not understand monogamy completely.
I'm not sure if the "stud' was a compliment, but I don't really think I am.
And I have indeed been in a relationship with two bisexuals.

PS: I really want to stress that I really am not trying to insult nor anything (I did mention I can be tactless) but to contribute as I can to help understand bisexuality, at least from my point of view.

 

November 16, 2016 8:44 am  #25


Re: Bisexual Men in Straight Relationships

Thank you Gus and others for sharing. This is a fascinating thread and I've learned a lot from reading it. I don't think anyone is taking offence Gus, it's just that some members hear the word "bisexual" and understandably think "bullsh*t" because this was indeed a stop on their ex-husband's way to gay town. I wanted to ask for the group's input as to whether we should make the distinction between bisexuality and monogamy.

Before sharing more, I wanted to disclose that I believe bisexuality and bisexuals exist. Why? Because so many people identify as bisexual. I don't have to agree with Scientology, but I can't deny that scientologists exist. But I do understand why so many straight spouses here are skeptical about both bisexuality and mixed orientation relationships. It's because we have so few examples on this forum of either ending well.

​Some of the posts I've read here are from people who have been wronged by a gay spouse who at first may have claimed to be bisexual. In the face of such blatant, painful, and unnecessary deception, labels like "gay" or "bi" simply become irrelevant. You sound like a nice guy Gus and I'm happy you shared here. When people here read "bisexual," it often brings back traumatic memories from their own relationships. This is why the responses may be a bit snarky at times. It's not personal.

​Getting back to my question, do you think we should distinguish between bisexual and monogamous? Gus clearly describes himself as monogamous, meaning one relationship at a time. Unfortunately most of the men described in this forum have been ​cheaters. I am a gay man and an ex-husband to a straight woman. I'd probably find it difficult to date a bisexual man because I'd always worry that he wasn't sexually satisfied with me. So my main worry would be monogamy or his ability to remain faithful to me and our relationship. My primary concerns would be about cheating and the potential ​end of my relationship. My secondary concern would be who he was cheating with. Does anyone agree with this?

​I think we can all agree that men, and particularly gay men, are terrible at monogamy. I can only imagine the fear when a straight spouse, with a largely non-existent sex life and a bad marriage, hears from her previously straight husband that he's bisexual. This means he wants to experiment sexually with men if he hasn't done so already. In this context, "bisexual" translates into "You're not enough" or "I want to cheat on you" or "this is probably the end of our relationship." 

​This may explain why some members were triggered Gus. It's nothing personal.

 

November 16, 2016 12:34 pm  #26


Re: Bisexual Men in Straight Relationships

Gus it was meant as a compliment.  Not everyone is monogamous.  If you are one you are and if you aren't you aren't and if you are then you're not really interested in polyamory.  

and my questions were a bit daft, I realised afterwards that of course all the men would be gay, if they were straight they wouldn't be interested in a man and of course all the women would be straight, if they weren't they wouldn't be interested in a man either.

unless they were bisexual.  You've had two relationships - were they both with women?  did you know from the outset that they were bisexual?, and why did they end?  apologies for being nosy but you did offer!

thanks.

 

 

November 16, 2016 4:42 pm  #27


Re: Bisexual Men in Straight Relationships

Gus wrote:

This thread was made to try to understand bisexuals

Actually, as the person who created the thread, I can say with some authority that understanding bisexuals is not the thread's purpose.  There are plenty of other Internet resources for that.

The purpose of the thread is to help straight women, who are in a long-term relationship, understand their position and options after their partners come out as bisexual. 

Very often those are complicated situations, and as such, there isn't much value to be added by debating broader questions like, whether bisexuality is real, or, whether all bisexuals are the same.  Everybody has their opinions on those subjects - opinions that are unlikely to change.

Because the intention of the thread is to help straight women understand their position and options, I respectfully ask that we stick to that topic. If someone else wants to start a broader "Understanding Bisexuality" thread here, please have at it.

Thanks in advance for your cooperation.

     Thread Starter
 

November 16, 2016 6:20 pm  #28


Re: Bisexual Men in Straight Relationships

Gus wrote:

I am bisexual. ... I can tell you that I most definitely can enjoy sex and have a deep emotinal connection with a person, regardless if man or woman. I do not feel the same attraction or interest for Trans persons, though.

I can also tell you that I personally, am more inclined to feel attraction towards the person itself, if man or woman is of little importance to me. ...

I have had about the same amount of "serious" relationships between both genders. I don't have a preference while trying to date or even have sex with. I can and have had these interaction equally with both... I can actually share that I have fallen in love with persons of both genders. ...

 I fantasize not based on gender, I actually fantasize about people I know and already like/love, and if I try to think about a gender count... I think is quite even.

Ladies,

What Gus says here is very illuminating, I think, because it's not what so many bisexual men say to their wives, which is often something like, "I love YOU.  I have no romantic attraction to men. It's purely a physical thing."

On the surface it might seem that a man who has "no romantic attraction to men" is more straight {and therefore a more suitable long-term partner} than a man who has had deep emotional connections with equal numbers of men and women, but that is far from certain. 

Here's why -

Every one of us is capable of having a strong emotional connection with someone of the same gender.  In fact, we already have those deep connections with certain relatives and friends.  Sex, however, changes everything.  It is a uniquely intimate act, and regardless of the attitude one has when approaching it, orgasm causes a surge of the "love" hormone oxytocin.  A bisexual man who genuinely understands himself will therefore recognize that love can follow from sexual intimacy with either a man or a woman.  In contrast, a bisexual man who fears where intimacy might take him will insist or believe that he is incapable of experiencing it unless he wills himself to do so.  That's not the way human biology works.  Where there is sex, there can be deep emotional intimacy, always.

All of this is not to say that some men can have sex with hundreds of individuals and never emotionally connect with any of them.  That certainly does happen.  But it does mean that a bisexual man cannot be taken at his word when he insists that his attraction to men is only physical.  He expects, imagines, fantasizes and has experienced it that way in the past, but the possibility of love is always there.  This is why, ultimately, I think female partners are the best judge of just how bisexual a man is.  If he makes you feel fully satisfied as a woman, both physically and emotionally, then he is definitely not exclusively gay - and that makes the prospects for a successful "til death do you part" relationship a heck of a lot more likely.

Bottom line - trust your gut, not his words.

     Thread Starter
 

November 16, 2016 7:14 pm  #29


Re: Bisexual Men in Straight Relationships

Cameron wrote:

Gus wrote:

This thread was made to try to understand bisexuals

Actually, as the person who created the thread, I can say with some authority that understanding bisexuals is not the thread's purpose.  There are plenty of other Internet resources for that.

The purpose of the thread is to help straight women, who are in a long-term relationship, understand their position and options after their partners come out as bisexual. 

Very often those are complicated situations, and as such, there isn't much value to be added by debating broader questions like, whether bisexuality is real, or, whether all bisexuals are the same.  Everybody has their opinions on those subjects - opinions that are unlikely to change.

Because the intention of the thread is to help straight women understand their position and options, I respectfully ask that we stick to that topic. If someone else wants to start a broader "Understanding Bisexuality" thread here, please have at it.

Thanks in advance for your cooperation.

Hi, Cameron!

I am aware of it. I probably wasn't very clear... I have found that being able to understand something helps to deal with it both rationally and emotionally, hence why I am sharing my POV towards bisexuality.
I might be wrong though and it doesn't help, in which case I do apologize.

And you are right, that was my goal. Take into consideration everything, action and words and if they mismatch then they will lead you to somewhere you probably don't want to get to. But at the same time don't rush into it, cause it might be due to something else.

Hi, Sean!

Bisexuality DOES NOT mean polygamy, trust me. They are related due to the broader spectrum of attraction, but monogamy and polygamy are very related to culture and education, while what you feel attraction to is a little bit more innate.
So, if they cheat and a monogamous lifestyle and relationship was agreed (wether implicitly or explicitly), that means that no matter what, you probably want to distance yourself... You can still love someone but stop the "couple relationship", since (I believe) you have to love yourself and prioritize in your well being.

Hi, Lily!

Well, thank you for the compliment!
What I meant is that I have had 2 relationships with bisexual persons, both monogamous; one was with a female while the other was with a male.
For one I did not know, for the other I did know from the start. With the male was first and it ended because we realized we weren't doing the same as we were when we were friends, so we didn't like that, we felt better doing things we did as friends.
With the female it was because I did notice her bisexual tendencies, although I most admit I think they started when I brought up my bisexuality. So I, being very blunt and tactless straight mentioned it, she admitted being "curious"; I offered to open the relationship so she could experience it, but she mentioned that she could help feeling like cheating... So we decided to end, because I could never "tie" anyone to me, doesn't matter the situation or if I love that person, I can still love him/her, just not through the same actions.

I don't mind nosy. I did mention I'm kind of an open book.

Once again, this is me trying to provide my experience towards understanding bisexuality, since it might help you recuperate and also in the future, to avoid getting hurt by the same type of circumstances.

 

November 16, 2016 9:36 pm  #30


Re: Bisexual Men in Straight Relationships

Wife#2-hope_2b_last wrote:

He laid everything on the table and this is when he told me he was Bi.. I had no problem with him watching gay porn.....we were now going out to the gay bar 1-2 mo .... the question for u is what do I do going forward... from everything I have read is I'm screwed and he is not going to be capable to give me the love and affection that I need as much as I need air to breath. I luv my husband and want to live my life out with him but this would mean he is meeting my emotional needs.

Wife #2,

I don't know you and I don't know your husband...but you do.  YOU know the answer to your question.

Loving, non-sexual relationships can be wonderful.  Having a kind and supportive life companion in your later years is a goal everyone has - no one wants to be alone.  So, there are some people and some situations where a straight woman and a gay man can live happily ever after.  But only you can know what is best for you, and what kind of sexual and emotional nourishment you need.

If there is one thing I want to share with you, it's that you shouldn't trust what your husband says.  Not necessarily because he might be a manipulative, self-serving liar, but because no man should ever dictate to his partner what her feelings and needs are.  If you don't mind the gay porn and you love spending time with him, enjoy what you have.  On the other hand, if you feel that you are slowly wilting inside, end the relationship.  Whatever path you've been on, that will continue.  Your husband won't suddenly become a different, better man.

Please keep us updated and don't hesitate to ask the straight spouses here for their support.  You're not alone in this.

     Thread Starter
 

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