lily wrote:

Hi Gus, you sound just like my bisexual friend did when he was young.  He would insist it didn't matter what sex they were, it was the person he fell in love with.  

do you find you tend to go from man to woman to man to woman?  

he still fully identifies as bisexual but he knows he is gay because eventually he realised that it was Brad Pitt he fantasised about. 

Hi, Lily!

I have had about the same amount of "serious" relationships between both genders. I don't have a preference while trying to date or even have sex with. I can and have had these interaction equally with both... I can actually share that I have fallen in love with persons of both genders.

I have never went from one gender to the other out of spite, discomfort nor anything of the sort, I really never end a relationship in a bad tone, I still have contact with all of them.

I think that this happens because I am an open book, quite direct and communicative, I sometimes come across as rude because I say what I think (currently improving in a more tactful way to say them) but everyone knows I am like this and this has helped when it comes to meeting people that I feel attracted to, since they all knew before even attempting a relationship who I am. It also helps that to me, bisexuality is not the same as promiscuity. I am very open to different type of relationships, ie, polyamory, etc, but if I have a monogamous relationship with a person, I do not attempt having any similar or sexual relationship with any other one. If the relationship starts as a polyamorous one, then I might... Although honestly, is quite hard for me to have sexual interaction if I don't find the person attractive in every way, not just physically. I never act on sexual urges, I try to be open but mature and stable, so acting on sexual urges is not my "cup of tea".

Of course, this is my personal experience. In a different spectrum, I do think your spouse or ex-spouse might be bisexual, but not just in the way you think: that's why I brought the Kinsey Scale up.

PS: I fantasize not based on gender, I actually fantasize about people I know and already like/love, and if I try to think about a gender count... I think is quite even.

Gus, you sound like a bit of a stud to me.  

And it's nice of you to be considerate when having a relationship with a monogamous person but I don't think you are the monogamous type yourself - you don't appear to really understand what it's like.

okay so next questions - have you had a relationship with a bisexual?  have all your male partners been gay and your female partners straight?

thanks, Lily

Thank you Gus and others for sharing. This is a fascinating thread and I've learned a lot from reading it. I don't think anyone is taking offence Gus, it's just that some members hear the word "bisexual" and understandably think "bullsh*t" because this was indeed a stop on their ex-husband's way to gay town. I wanted to ask for the group's input as to whether we should make the distinction between bisexuality and monogamy.

Before sharing more, I wanted to disclose that I believe bisexuality and bisexuals exist. Why? Because so many people identify as bisexual. I don't have to agree with Scientology, but I can't deny that scientologists exist. But I do understand why so many straight spouses here are skeptical about both bisexuality and mixed orientation relationships. It's because we have so few examples on this forum of either ending well.

​Some of the posts I've read here are from people who have been wronged by a gay spouse who at first may have claimed to be bisexual. In the face of such blatant, painful, and unnecessary deception, labels like "gay" or "bi" simply become irrelevant. You sound like a nice guy Gus and I'm happy you shared here. When people here read "bisexual," it often brings back traumatic memories from their own relationships. This is why the responses may be a bit snarky at times. It's not personal.

​Getting back to my question, do you think we should distinguish between bisexual and monogamous? Gus clearly describes himself as monogamous, meaning one relationship at a time. Unfortunately most of the men described in this forum have been ​cheaters. I am a gay man and an ex-husband to a straight woman. I'd probably find it difficult to date a bisexual man because I'd always worry that he wasn't sexually satisfied with me. So my main worry would be monogamy or his ability to remain faithful to me and our relationship. My primary concerns would be about cheating and the potential ​end of my relationship. My secondary concern would be who he was cheating with. Does anyone agree with this?

​I think we can all agree that men, and particularly gay men, are terrible at monogamy. I can only imagine the fear when a straight spouse, with a largely non-existent sex life and a bad marriage, hears from her previously straight husband that he's bisexual. This means he wants to experiment sexually with men if he hasn't done so already. In this context, "bisexual" translates into "You're not enough" or "I want to cheat on you" or "this is probably the end of our relationship." 

​This may explain why some members were triggered Gus. It's nothing personal.

Gus wrote:

This thread was made to try to understand bisexuals

Actually, as the person who created the thread, I can say with some authority that understanding bisexuals is not the thread's purpose.  There are plenty of other Internet resources for that.

The purpose of the thread is to help straight women, who are in a long-term relationship, understand their position and options after their partners come out as bisexual. 

Very often those are complicated situations, and as such, there isn't much value to be added by debating broader questions like, whether bisexuality is real, or, whether all bisexuals are the same.  Everybody has their opinions on those subjects - opinions that are unlikely to change.

Because the intention of the thread is to help straight women understand their position and options, I respectfully ask that we stick to that topic. If someone else wants to start a broader "Understanding Bisexuality" thread here, please have at it.

Thanks in advance for your cooperation.

Cameron wrote:

Gus wrote:

This thread was made to try to understand bisexuals

Actually, as the person who created the thread, I can say with some authority that understanding bisexuals is not the thread's purpose.  There are plenty of other Internet resources for that.

The purpose of the thread is to help straight women, who are in a long-term relationship, understand their position and options after their partners come out as bisexual. 

Very often those are complicated situations, and as such, there isn't much value to be added by debating broader questions like, whether bisexuality is real, or, whether all bisexuals are the same.  Everybody has their opinions on those subjects - opinions that are unlikely to change.

Because the intention of the thread is to help straight women understand their position and options, I respectfully ask that we stick to that topic. If someone else wants to start a broader "Understanding Bisexuality" thread here, please have at it.

Thanks in advance for your cooperation.

Hi, Cameron!

I am aware of it. I probably wasn't very clear... I have found that being able to understand something helps to deal with it both rationally and emotionally, hence why I am sharing my POV towards bisexuality.
I might be wrong though and it doesn't help, in which case I do apologize.

And you are right, that was my goal. Take into consideration everything, action and words and if they mismatch then they will lead you to somewhere you probably don't want to get to. But at the same time don't rush into it, cause it might be due to something else.

Hi, Sean!

Bisexuality DOES NOT mean polygamy, trust me. They are related due to the broader spectrum of attraction, but monogamy and polygamy are very related to culture and education, while what you feel attraction to is a little bit more innate.
So, if they cheat and a monogamous lifestyle and relationship was agreed (wether implicitly or explicitly), that means that no matter what, you probably want to distance yourself... You can still love someone but stop the "couple relationship", since (I believe) you have to love yourself and prioritize in your well being.

Hi, Lily!

Well, thank you for the compliment!
What I meant is that I have had 2 relationships with bisexual persons, both monogamous; one was with a female while the other was with a male.
For one I did not know, for the other I did know from the start. With the male was first and it ended because we realized we weren't doing the same as we were when we were friends, so we didn't like that, we felt better doing things we did as friends.
With the female it was because I did notice her bisexual tendencies, although I most admit I think they started when I brought up my bisexuality. So I, being very blunt and tactless straight mentioned it, she admitted being "curious"; I offered to open the relationship so she could experience it, but she mentioned that she could help feeling like cheating... So we decided to end, because I could never "tie" anyone to me, doesn't matter the situation or if I love that person, I can still love him/her, just not through the same actions.

I don't mind nosy. I did mention I'm kind of an open book.

Once again, this is me trying to provide my experience towards understanding bisexuality, since it might help you recuperate and also in the future, to avoid getting hurt by the same type of circumstances.