Thanks for writing and for the updates Jenny. In reply: 

1. Thanks Sean. Do you think he is gay or just asexual? The fact that his data shows he goes to stripchat meaning he has a need but not on his wife for years, he is highly gay, is that correct?

Unknown. But does it really matter at this point? You're in a sexless marriage and described it as follows: "I am deeply broken and cry to bed every night."

2. I just suddenly remember that he bought lube 10 years ago, but he only used it with me once, I was confused and questioned myself why did he buy lube without telling me and only used with me once. And I also noticed he didn’t use it anymore. Does gay sex always require lube?

Anal sex requires lube: correct.  

3. Does he need lube if sex with women? Our sex has always been PIV [penis in vagina], he never asked for BJ or anal at all. 

Lube could be for masturbation, sex toys, or sex with men/women. 

4. He told me let’s fix our bedroom issues together, we need to show intimacy and love outside and in bedroom, but I am debating myself if it’s worth anymore effort on this relationship at all and if it’s fixable. I am thinking about divorce vs open marriage vs divorce but stay in the same house to raise our children.

It's very common for there to be a post-conflict "honeymoon" phase; meaning 2-3 months of a husband acting like a horny, young prince charming to secure his wife back in the relationship. It rarely lasts.  

5. Not sure which options would be best, he spends lot of times with our children, and he is a very good dad.

It's up to each of us to determine what is an acceptable, loving relationship. If you are happy being married with zero intimacy then you may choose to stay. 

6. Questions/answers:

a. How was your situation? Toxic, sexless, and emotionally abusive. All my fault. 
b. Do you have small children? Three children all under 12 at the time of separation/divorce. 
c. Did you divorce and move out or stay together? Separation, lived as unhappy neighbours, then divorce. 
d. When having sex with your wife, was majority PIV or anal? PIV.

7. He is still denying that he is gay and said that gay sex is disguising, easy to get AIDS, and it’s not natural to the nature. I am not sure if his denial is also a red flag.

Red flag. Deeply homophobic men are often closeted. 

8. He still denies it all, but something doesn’t add up, when we tried to have sex several months ago, he still gets erect sometimes when I touch him, however there are times he doesn’t get erect and he went to the bathroom, watched something on his phone and masterbated in the bathroom, when out with an erection but then it went soft as soon as we wanted to do PIV…

This is common among gay/straight couples during the "honeymoon" period. The closeted/questioning husband forces himself to have sex with his wife; almost to prove that he's not gay. He normally can't maintain an erection for penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex, so the "honeymoon" sex consists of: 

- He performs only oral on her. 
- She pegs/penetrates him with a strapon or dildo. 
- He masturbates to porn with her (sometimes gay porn). 
- They have threesomes (2 men + 1 woman). 

9. I didn’t catch he watches any porn or has any affair at all. Basically our marriage was perfect except sex.

Again I'd challenge your definition of "perfect." No relationship is perfect and your presence here - questioning his sexuality and sharing your struggles - suggests this marrage is far from perfect. In your own words: "I am deeply broken and cry to bed every night." That's not love in my opinion. 

I hope that helps friend. Good luck! 

Last edited by Sean01 (September 8, 2023 3:54 pm)

Thank you for writing Veritas. In reply: 

1. Hi Sean, I've been on this journey for the past 4 years, but I'm new to Our Path and it's my first post in the Forum.

Welcome friend, although I'm so very sorry you've found yourself here. 

2. I've listened to all of your interviews with Kristin Kelbli in Our Voices and lots of things you said sounded familiar. I hope you can help me...

I'll try. I'm glad the podcast interviews helped. 

3. In 2019, after our Silver Wedding Anniversary [25 years married], I discovered my husband was taking PrEP meds prior to a visit to the US. I confronted him and he said he had sex with a man, but JUST once and JUST out of curiosity. He was tested for DSTs and the results came back positive for Chlamydia, herpes and syphilis, which I thought was really too many diseases from just one encounter.

Wow. I'm so sorry he put you through all of this. As I shared in my podcast interviews, cheating is like an iceberg. This means that 9/10ths of the truth often remains underwater. PrEP is a medication for men who have sex with men to prevent contracting HIV/AIDS. While I am not a medical doctor, I am an out gay man who has sex with other men. The above facts suggest that your husband has had, and is having, unprotected sex with multiple male partners.  

4. Anyway, we did couple's counseling for 6 months...

Something we all do...and it rarely helps.

5. ...he denied he was gay, he promised he would not do the same again, and we moved on.

Something closeted husbands all do, and it rarely lasts. 

6. Last October I made new discoveries on his phone: explicit photos of men, message exchanges, Instagram searches uniquely of muscular men in speedos... Furthermore, I discovered that this started way before 2019. Maybe it has always been there as a secret life. I confronted him again and he couldn't deny it.

If I may be so bold, there is finding his Grindr profile and some chat messages and then there is meeting with a doctor, getting a PrEP prescription, taking PrEP daily, having unprotected sex with men, and then testing positive for THREE (3) STDs/STIs! So what's my point? These facts all suggest that your husband has A LOT of sexual experience with other men. And let's not lose sight of the main issue here: if you two have been sexually active this entire time he's been putting YOUR health/life at risk. That ain't love. That's some straight up bullsh*t. 

7. He tells me he texted people and saw pictures but since 2019 he never met anyone face-to-face. Something tells me he is lying.

Correct! So why take PrEP? He didn't catch chlamydia, herpes and syphilis (!!!!) from Instagram. He's insulting your intelligence with these lies which only confirm he's in deep deep denial about his sexuality. Yes of course he's bald-face lying. 

8. It's a bit like the story "The Boy Who Cried Wolf". He is seeing a therapist now and tells me that through therapy he discovered he is bisexual and therefore there is still a way for us to be together.

How enlightened. I think we can replace "discovered" with "caught." 

9. I refuse to have sex with him.

Of course! If you do have sex in the future, condoms condoms condoms + regular STI/STD testing. No husband is worth risking your health and sexual well being for, in my opinion. 

10. His sexual orientation is less important in deciding to stay or leave than the lies and deceit.

100% agree. 

11. I'm just wondering... All his encounters have been with men. All his message exchanges have been with men. All he sees online are men. Is he bi or gay?

It's common for straight wives to use words like "encounter" and "exploration" rather than "cheating" and/or "he's f*cking men behind my back." In my experience, this is a sign of shock following discovery. In response to your question, if your husband has sex with, and appears to enjoy sex with, both women and men, this is considered bisexual. If however your husband refuses to have sex with you, does not have sex with any other women, and only has sex with men, then this suggests he's gay-in-denial. 

12. I've never been with another man so I have no way to compare his performance with the performance of other men. He says he is attracted to me and was able to have sex but go figure what he thinks about when he closes his eyes. Help please? 

Again, I'm so very sorry he's putting you through all of this. As I shared in my podcast interviews, the classic intimacy arc with gay/straight relationships is as follows: he reluctantly has sex with his wife at the beginning of the relationship (wrongly making her feel it's her fault); sex then diminshes when the couple has children ("I'm just too overworked/tired..."); he explores his sexuality virtually and then inevitabily in the real world via cheating; and then conjugal sex all but stops in his 40s. Sex often stops for two reasons: first, he fears putting her at risk for STDs/STIs; and second, once he's acted on his true (homo)sexuality then it's nearly impossible for him to perform sexually with his wife. So they become more co-parents and roommates than lovers. Strangely, despite all of his excuses with her, he seems to have bucketloads of time, energy, and viagra-fueled erections for elaborately planned out-of-town male-on-male encounters. Sound familiar? 

So what now? In my opinion, the PrEP + STDs/STIs confirm the following: 

- Your husband has been having sex with men for years, if not a decade. 
- Your husband is incapable of being honest with you and with himself about his sexuality.

So the rule going forward should be: when his mouth is moving and he's talking about his sexuality, he's lying. Most gay-in-denial husbands (GIDHs) choose careers that involve a lot of travel; because this travel gives us the opportunity to have sex with men away from the homestead. If your relationship follows a common arc, you have likely assumed the role of his sexual probationary officer, meaning you might be tracking his movements while also policing his devices. This will change his habits, but not his sexuality. He'll likely just go to more elaborate lengths to hide his gay web history and cheating; meaning a burner phone; a lot of three-hour trips to get milk; and/or completely anonymous hook ups in sex shops or cruising parks. So I would urge you practice only safe sex with him, insist on frequent STD/STI testing, and fully expect to discover other "encounters" in the near future. 

I hope that helps my friend. Please feel free to post again. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (September 9, 2023 4:33 am)

Thank you for writing Veritas. Below are my thoughts/replies: 

1. Thank you for all your comments on my post. I have a question about remark number 11, when you say: "If however your husband refuses to have sex with you, does not have sex with any other women, and only has sex with men, then this suggests he's gay-in-denial. " I can't say he denies having sex with me.

Understood. I reckon it's up to each straight spouse to determine if the sex/intimacy she has with her husband meets her sexual and emotional needs. For example, it's quite common for the closeted/questioning husband to attempt a form of mechanical or performative sex with his wife....albeit reluctantly and infrequently. (Performative = zero passion.) And once he's been caught cheating with men, a 2-3 month "honeymoon" phase begins during which he furiously attempts sex with her; in a frenzied quest to prove to both himself and his wife that he's straight. It rarely lasts.

So what's my point? Straight people divorce all the time because of a lack of sexual connection. So I believe straight spouses should ask themselves: Is sex with my husband truly meeting my needs? Most of the women I've exchanged with over the years claim they're having "sex" only to later reluctantly disclose that they're enduring: pegging him with a strapon; he performs oral sex but cannot remain erect for penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex; lying next to him while he masturbates to (gay) porn; or threesomes with other men during which her questioning/closeted husband appears much more interested in sex with the other man...treating her more like a compliant sofa. Put bluntly, she's doing all the work: raising kids; arranging counselling appointments; posting here; simulating, or (worse) witnessing, male-on-male sex. And what's he doing to save the marriage? Fapping to gay porn and chatting on Grindr. It's bullsh*t.     

2. I thought about the arc you described. There was more sex when we were young but I have to admit we were never sex-crazy people. Once the kids arrived and we were living overseas with no support at all, we were always tired and sleep looked more appealing than sex. Later on, sex would happen on schedule, once per week.

Understood. The question remains: is this man meeting your sexual needs and, if not, will he ever be capable of the same? 

3. Having said that, all the evidence I found shows all his cheating (now using your word) has been exclusively with men. That's why the idea that is bi after all, doesn't sit well with me. Any thoughts on that?

Well done on calling it what it is: cheating! I reckon cheating is cheating my friend, regardless of gender. It's quite common for straight spouses in your situation, namely those who have overwhelming proof of husbands who cheat with men, to get hung up on the question: "Is he gay or bisexual?" (Please see my most recent exchanges with Jenny.) I personally believe it's a form of bargaining, understandably to delay making a huge decision about separation/divorce. If these husbands were cheating with women, the issue is more black and white. Most women understand that when a husband cheats for years with other women, society deems that relationship beyond repair and the next steps are separation/divorce. Unfortunately things get rather fuzzy with husbands who deny any attraction to men...all while f*cking men for years. Some GIDHs even conjure up bullsh*t abuse stories to distract from years of cheating. 

So what's my point? At the end of the day, you have to determine if you want to spend the rest of your life with a cheating and dishonest husband who won't likely stop having sex with men behind your back. I hope that helps. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (September 11, 2023 5:37 am)

Hey Sean!
I used to be on here a long time ago but haven’t posted since I divorced and moved on with my life. Occasionally I am still haunted by things that occurred in my marriage. Recently one memory came up, that I wanted to ask you about. I was wondering if this is ever done in the LGBTQ community or if it is strange for a heterosexual male to do this. When I was married to my now ex husband. He would sometimes stop himself from ejaculating. He would do this by pressing something near or underneath his balls. He would do this if he didn’t want to make a mess like I guess if we were at either of our parent’s houses or if he didn’t want to cum during a hand job. What are your thoughts on this?

No questions right now. I have yet to read the whole thread. But I've started reading it and wanted to thank you for offering it to the community.