Thank you for writing Julian and others. In reply to Julian's post: 

1. That's the thing that sort of haunts me the most. My story is a little bit different than what I've come across. My husband told me he was bisexual about 9 years into our relationship. He admitted that he'd known since about puberty, but that he'd never had any same-sex encounters. I found no porn, no texts, no emails, or  apps...and since we've both worked from home for years and are together 99% of the time...there simply would not have been any opportunity for infidelity. (I did get an STD test anyway!) It's been close to 2 years now, and he's never asked for an open relationship or "hall pass" or simulated gay sex (as you call it) or a threesome even.

Ok. I have a question for you: if everything appears to be ok with your relationship, why did you join this forum? 

2. In fact, it seems his attraction to men is more romantic (as I said..unusual)...which is odd because...while we've always had a pretty strong sexual attraction (since the day we met), he's never been particularly romantic...We have lots of sex, but we don't cuddle while watching a movie...or hold hands, etc...for example. So, after a few rough weeks/months post-disclosure, nothing has really changed...except for the fact that I've developed a "waiting for the other shoe to drop" syndrome....and I worry (after reading so many stories): Can he possibly be faking his way through it?...(all of the sex)...or will he (for lack of a better way to put this) grow gayer with age? (He's 36 now)

Every journey is unique my friend. I'm also starting to appreciate how difficult it is for gay-in-denial spouses to "just come out." If I think back to my own (long) coming out process, there are similarities to what you've shared. It first started with a sexual disconnect, meaning that while I could mechanically have sex with my (then) wife in my 20s and 30s, there was never any passion. Here are some common "symptoms" I've read about here which apply to my former marriage: 

- Gay-in-denial husband rarely initiates sex
- The relationship is mostly dry kisses and squirmy hugs
- The relationship feels more like brother/sister or roommates than lovers
- As the GIDH ages, sex becomes more infrequent and might even stop

As I've shared many times before, while a GIDH can lie up and down, "I'm straight and I don't want to be in a relationship with a man!" there is no lying in the bedroom, nor online, nor in some sticky adult store backroom.  

I want to thank everyone posting here, asking questions, and challenging me because I've learned something important while discussing men who are "emotionally straight and yet sexually gay." I reckon the reason so many married, closeted men resist just saying "I'm gay" and/or divorcing is because it represents too seismic a shift in their lives. In my opinion, closeted husbands continue to claim they are straight because a married man with a straight wife, kids, straight family, straight friends, and oftentimes a straight congregation has absolutely NO incentive to come out, separate, and divorce. It represents losing everything. Yes there is an argument to be made about gay men being "authentic", but I myself hesitated when that "authenticity" mean tearing my family apart, losing my home, financial ruin, and isolation/loneliness. Even after I'd come out to my wife, our marriage limped along for 18 long months before we finally separated/divorced. I believe this is why many gay-in-denial husbands don't just "come out." It's fear.  

3. Wow..I'm rambling. I don't even think I have a question...but maybe someone will find similarities between my story and theirs (and we can commiserate over our shared confusion...haha). Thanks, everyone, for tuning in. 

Ramble away! That's what this forum is for. This forum is a safe space for everyone to share their innermost thoughts and, most importantly, get the support they need. Be well everyone! 

Last edited by Séan (November 13, 2020 2:55 am)

Julian, 

I’m curious. Did your husband tell you why he decided to tell you? I’d guess there had to be a reason. 

Tangled 

Thank you for posting SadMom. In reply: 

1. Sean, thank you for your reply.

My pleasure. I hope your son is feeling better. 

2. My son and his wife are both in counseling separately, and she has told him that she doesn't want it to be this way.

I'm not surprised. Please ensure that your son doesn't attend couples' counselling because their marriage is clearly over. I am not a mental health professional so please read my comments accordingly. Following "discovery" or "disclosure" of a spouse's homosexuality, some gay/straight couples attend counselling together. This rarely helps the straight spouse. My (then) wife and I tried couples counselling and it was a disaster. Sadly, our joint counselling sessions did nothing to help my (former) straight spouse as the focus became my sexuality. If a gay/gay-in-denial spouse claims "sexual abuse made me gay", there is also the very real possibility that couples counselling focuses on that as well. I reckon couples counselling should be about fixing a relationship, not a therapy session exclusively for the gay spouse while a long-suffering straight partner looks on....or worse is somehow blamed for the relationship's problems. Based on my own experience and based on my many exchanges here, most straight spouses come away from joint counselling sessions feeling like they have to do more to save the relationship. That's some straight up bullsh*t. 

2. They have struggled and cried together, mourning what they thought their future would be. 

Good. If they're mourning then they both understand the relationship is dead...and will eventually be buried. 

3. She did tell him she was bisexual at the beginning of their relationship, which he was ok with.

Let's rephrase that: "She admitted to hiding/lying about her sexuality from the beginning." 

4. I guess that should have been a red flag.

Amen!

5. She also told him about the abuse from the beginning. I may be blinded by being too close, but I kind of feel like she is sincere, based on their history together and what I have known about her. 

Let me be clear regarding my opinion about gay/gay-in-denial spouses who claim "sexual abuse/assault made me gay" because it's a very common occurrence. There are two possibilities: 1. the gay spouse is lying; or 2. the gay spouse is telling the truth. If the spouse has a history of honesty and integrity, claims of sexual abuse might be true. If however, the gay spouse has a lifelong history of lying and cheating, such claims are likely false. So what's my point? I reckon gay-in-denial (GID) spouses aren't evil. We are simply incapable of being honest about our sexuality because we've lied about being gay our entire lives.    

6. I still think you are right, they should divorce and go their separate ways.

Agreed. Gay/straight marriages simply don't work. If your daughter-in-law is a lesbian, there is no reason for them to remain married other than to continue the lie that she is somehow heterosexual. Please help your son detach with love, separate, and divorce as quickly as possible.. 

7. And as blunt as it is, the marriage died when she came out, as you said. Thanks for the reality check. He just got on antidepressants, I'm hoping that will help him see things clearly, and make it possible for him to plan for the future.

A future without her. 

Thanks for sharing my friend. Please keep posting. 

Hi Karis. Your husband certainly ticks all of the "pink" boxes: 

- Has never really had an interest in straight sex
- Boyfriend-like relationships with gay men
- An obsessive interest in gay culture
- Checks men out when you're out with him
- You feel like you're living with a roommate, rather than a husband

I can imagine that the absence of concrete proof, such as a gay porn history or an affair with a man, gives you pause. It shouldn't. When I first started posting here, I'd often tell straight spouses to trust their instincts. I still believe that if a straight spouse is posting here about her husband, he's probably gay. But let's take a step back and just look at your marriage. You're clearly unhappy in your relationship and you were justifiably considering an affair you were so starved for attention. While I've only scanned your message history here, I reckon you're desperately unhappy in your marriage so whether your husband is gay (or not) really isn't the issue. If you are depressed, angry, and sexually unsatisfied, please keep in mind that people have separated/divorced for much less my friend. So is your husband gay? I say it doesn't really matter. What you've shared here is that your husband appears to be more emotionally invested in his gay friends than he's invested in your marriage. Perhaps it's time to consider separation and divorce. I hope that helps in some way my friend.  

Last edited by Sean (November 15, 2020 4:12 pm)

There often comes a point in the straight wife's journey when it no longer matters whether her husband admits he is gay or not. She eventually understands that the marriage is beyond repair and won't likely improve. A small minority of couples separate and then divorce almost immediately following disclosure/discovery of the husband's homosexuality. The majority of couples follow the path of: discovery; conflict; marriage counselling; reconciliation; and then a honeymoon phase (he pretends to be a straight husband or she simulates being a gay man in the bedroom). The cycle often repeats 5-7 times before the straight spouse finally accepts her husband is gay, always was gay, and that no amount of counselling nor prayer will change that. So what's my point? Marriages can often be like an ocean supertanker - those huge ocean transport ships. A supertanker can't just turn on a dime and they take many nautical miles to change direction. Changing course in a decades-long marriage similarly means slowly turning by a few degrees at a time. Rare is the straight spouse who just cries, "I want a divorce!" and then departs the next day. So I urge straight spouses to methodically work towards ending their toxic relationships.

1. Detaching: 

The first stage often requires her to detach with love. After years of lies, sexual neglect, cheating and emotional abuse, a gay-in-denial husband (GIDH) often has a firm hold on his long-suffering straight wife. Detaching with love can start with just turning off your phone for an hour, then two, or perhaps by responding to every other text sent by a GIDH. Try spending time away from your toxic husband to see things more clearly. This means individual counseling, solo time with close friends/family, and perhaps a much-needed weekend away. If your GIDH displays narcissistic tendencies, be prepared for a "love bombing" or "honeymoon" phase if he fears losing control. This means he will pretend to love you to win you back and it might even mean a short-lived interest in straight sex. It won't last. After a few weeks or months, he'll revert back to being the same cheating, porn-watching, gay-in-denial (GID) *sshole.  

2. Separation:   

Before separation, the straight spouse should consult with a lawyer regarding how to properly plan for divorce. Separation often starts with physical separation. This means the spouses sleep separately, no longer attempt sex, and start the long process of separating their lives. The gay husband may even move out for a time. Again the straight spouse should be prepared for more love bombing (see above) or perhaps even some manufactured crisis like an attempted suicide. During the separation stage, this is also when your husband will likely claim he was sexually abused. (See my previous posts about men who claim "childhood abuse made me gay). If the straight spouse still feels an overwhelming need to protect and/or heal her husband, she should start reading about co-dependency and discuss the same with a qualified therapist. 

3. Divorce: 

Once the straight spouse decides to divorce, things often go two ways. The first path is your gay-in-denial husband accepts the end of the marriage and just moves on. He moves out and goes through gay adolescence which is a period of teen-like sexual/emotional discovery. Put bluntly, he acts like a self-centered gay teen and may even dress like one. This path may also mean he finally (and almost triumphantly) discloses a long-term relationship...with a man or a woman. (Some GIDHs are so trapped in denial that they date/marry another woman just as a final "f*ck you I AM STRAIGHT!" to a future ex-wife.) The second path is somewhat darker and more troubling. Some gay-in-denial husbands (GIDHs) become verbally or emotionally abusive. They act this way perhaps out of anger of losing their "beard", being outed, or in some f*cked up attempt to force a straight wife back into the relationship. 

Please keep in mind that the above represents my personal opinions. I'm just sharing my experience and have no professional mental health training. As such, I urge all straight spouses to consult with mental health professional and divorce lawyers to properly prepare for separation and divorce. Thanks for reading friends. 

If any straight spouses have questions for a gay ex-husband, ask away. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (November 16, 2020 6:33 am)