Redhondahx,

"..At a couple points my wife and I had small arguments and I caught the other person saying that if she were with my wife she wouldn't treat her that way..."

Yes I've been through this...its a sick evil dynamic..    Any mouse peep standing up for ourselves in a normal moral way  is seen as "bad treatment" ..total eggshells..we the horrible husbands/spouses.   My GX's would often tell me how horrible her girlfriends husband was (yes they are both home wreckers)  and
she would like project this onto me...  I was a horrible husband also, I mistreated also..   It was a mindfuck and it took me sometime to realize that I was none of those things...her speaking those words and projecting them did not make them true.   

 I also think the girlfriends husband was some poor straight spouse like me and perhaps he said something about his wife and my wife being out till 2am and, thus, he was a horrible husband.  A sick way they twist
words and actions... you left the toilet seat up aka what a horrible husband.

In terms of your situation now...  Try to think of it as a season..you are in the big house with her..for now.  You maybe cant sell ..for now..  It may be hell on earth living with her...for now..       Small baby steps though as you plan and decide what you want the future to be like.   You will be there for kids now and it may take super strength (or pills in my case) but it is not your final destination or home.    During this time I was kind but made sure I made my presence known..there was no way my GX would bring her girlfriend to the house when I was there..    You may find, as I did (barely),  that you outlast your wife in this arrangement ..

Wishing you strength and stoicism..


 

Your wife has truly put you in the back cupboard hasn't she.  Finally you put your foot down, I won't be treated this way, you say.  

What you don't say is how she replied to that. The next post is to say how well you are getting along.  

sounds like cupboard love to me.

sorry.  Hope you can find your way away from her.  It sounds to me like you are having to bottle up your feelings to a painful degree - separate bedrooms might be good for both of you.

Last edited by lily (July 22, 2023 4:36 pm)

Hi Redhondahx,

I am really sorry to hear you are finding yourself in such a difficult place. My ex wife came out to me in 2020. We had been married for 3 years, together for 6. It was the second marriage for both of us and we had a blended family (I have a son, she has 2 and we all got along so well - picture perfect family). It was the first conversation we ever had about her not being straight. We always had sex up to that point (she knew from the beginning a sexless relationship was a deal breaker for me). She was my best friend and the love of my life. In that conversation she told me not only that she was not straight, but our relationship was over and she wanted to keep the house (my son was about to leave for college, hers were 3 and 5 years younger than him). It was the middle of the pandemic (not even vaccines yet) and we agreed to wait until my son left 8 months later. I was so shocked and blindsided by it (I got actually a series of medical problems after disclosure). I didn’t know where to start. I had a good therapist and family to talk to (although they were overseas). Friends were not entirely helpful as family since they had conflicting feelings due to her vulnerable situation coming out. She is highly educated with a very successful career and had always been liberal politically. I found SSN (Our Path) at the time but I was so afraid I would find hate and didn’t want to impact my best friendship and I still loved her. We separated as planned and only around that time I started reading about narcissism. I kept asking myself why, how? It is impossible for someone to become lesbian in 1 month but I always gave her the benefit of the doubt. 1 year after I left we were still friends, separated and she proposed we have an open MOM (mixed orientation marriage,  living together). I haven’t had a single relationship after leaving (I am choosing singlehood for now). I seriously considered the MOM and we eventually talked more about how she learned she was lesbian. After a while she finally confessed she was in a “very dark place” when we got married, indicating she knew something was wrong with her sexuality but she had never shared with me. She did not enjoy talking about the past and wanted me to move on. After she confessed she was in a dark place from very early on in our relationship, my feelings for her and the memories I had of us and our family started readjusting somewhat slowly in an conscious and unconscious manner. After a few months I told her a MOM wouldn’t work for me. A couple of months ago I finally had the courage to delve into Our Path, the podcast and Sean’s thread (a wealth of information). In hindsight, there were so many red flags (but I could only see them with knowledge I didn’t have at the time). It’s been almost 3 years from disclosure and I have finally started emotionally detaching myself from her with love. I can’t be intimate or a close friend to her knowing what I know now and I can’t unknow it. Our Path showed me that the stories of many of us straight spouses here have a lot of similarities.

It was a long post but hope this helps. Maybe this helps you progress faster and I am glad you found this place. I have a lot of gratitude for everyone sharing their stories here. I learned so much in a way that would have never been possible with books, family, friends or a very good therapist I still see.

Good luck,

VPPN

Blackie, yes me too.  I can't believe how much stress my whole being came under in my long horrible marriage.  And how quickly I improved once away from him.