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- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: LW filed for divorce, but wants to cohabitate for a year...
SameDeepWaterAsPhil wrote:
......her response was to chastise me for getting my own lawyer & complicating things, as well as to assert that she will not come out to our teens when we inform them of the divorce. I'll have to tell them, she said, because she won't.
LOL....complicating things for her maybe!
.A. said he thought that he and I would have discussed the separation before I told our son & daughter, but that was because he would have preferred to be in control of the telling, the doing... I'm glad I didn't keep it to myself.
The telling of this to your children should be done by the parent who didn't change the dynamics of the family. You may get some hard questions but you'll answer them honestly right? Course you will 
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Blackie563
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Re: LW filed for divorce, but wants to cohabitate for a year...
Her inability to own these decisions is remarkable.
Be prepared for a ton more of this. My EX-Fake LW is completely incapable of admitting error and only talks about "complicating things" when it comes to what she wants to do. (For those new, I call her a fake LW because she is with a woman, but has an online profile exclusively looking for men). While the internet will have you believe everyone is a narcissist, its not a ton of people. I dont know if mine is or isnt, but one of the hallmarks is inability to self reflect or self regulate. That means they are only able to see things from their own selfish view.
I agree with the comments, get out as soon as possible. Respond only when needed and the absolute bare minimum, not a single word more. This will enrage her, but its key to your healing. I have never felt this good in my 25+ years of adult life, all health issues eliminated since I cut her out of my life. She still tries to get my attention and get responses out of me, but I am happy and moved on. Have a nice woman I've been dating, my home is peaceful, my kids know they are safe here when I have them. Hang in there. But know it will get worse, I am certain mine will too, but I am on the right path.
- lily
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Re: LW filed for divorce, but wants to cohabitate for a year...
Terrible isn't it. Look apart from to offer a bit of sympathy I am writing because it bothers me that she says you have to tell them not her. That sounds deliberate and manipulative.
Worth thinking through it carefully. What do you think she might have already said to them?
- SameDeepWaterAsPhil
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Re: LW filed for divorce, but wants to cohabitate for a year...
Most recent commentators:
Thank you all for your responses. I can't express how comforting it is to me to have this forum as a way to compare experiences & get my bearings. I'm trying my best not to second guess myself. It's hard to take this stance with the woman I've loved for 30 years. I don't want to bear the burden of telling my children HER story. I'm so very sad, but also just emotionally exhausted, & yet so hungry for a female's care & attention after 2 years of neglect (and I'm not speaking of physicality). It tempts me to keep her near, even though she's tossed me aside long, long ago now. Still, I know I can't heal until we're apart & my kids can see me as a model of resilience in the face of adversity, bolstered by God's strength & love. Guys, this is just so, so hard.
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Thread Starter- Blue Bear
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Re: LW filed for divorce, but wants to cohabitate for a year...
Most recent commentators:
I don't want to bear the burden of telling my children HER story.
My ex-wife didn't want to tell the kids, either. They are all about impression management and are no more comfortable with their post-D-Day selves than they were with their pre-D-Day selves. My recommendation is that you tell the kids, but keep it short and sweet. "Mom wants a divorce because she likes women, and I'm a man." Tell them that you love them, tell them that you are there for them.
Better days are ahead, but you have some tough stuff to get through right now. Sorry you are here, but you are moving forward, which is huge.
- MJM017
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Re: LW filed for divorce, but wants to cohabitate for a year...
They are all about impression management
Looking like the good guy was THE goal for my late ex. Despite being arrested for domestic violence (he hit me for most of the marriage; I never hit him) and my being granted a restraining order for threats against me, he wasn't shunned by friends. They were on his side. I assumed he was the same charming and sweet guy to them as always. He didn't come out of the closet. I guess he had enough sympathy.
I bring this up because you never know what your stbx is saying to anyone. Stay the course as you have been. Be honest. Try your best not to be near her or engage her in more conversation than necessary. I know it's really hard. You're doing so well. It's hard to see that when you're in the middle of all this.
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Blackie563
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Re: LW filed for divorce, but wants to cohabitate for a year...
Guys, this is just so, so hard.
It is, you're right. As others have said, its going to be for a bit, but it does get better. I was 23 years in, not quite 30 but a long time. I am now at a place where I have no reactions and its truly liberating. You will get there too my friend. Keep the faith. One day at a time
- Victo
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Re: LW filed for divorce, but wants to cohabitate for a year...
Reading through this thread after a bit of a break from the forum has me feeling really terrible for what you are going through, SDWAP. I hope you can get away from your abuser. Just. Get. Away.
Then, things WILL start to get better.
I’m here with you, SDWAP. You can do it.
- Grace1958
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Re: LW filed for divorce, but wants to cohabitate for a year...
Lots of great advice here and you're taking good steps. Re the kids, seems like high school age or older. Their generation are far more accepting these days than in past generations. Don't be at all surprised if all you get when you say that Mom will be living as a lesbian might only be - Oh, Ok. It's really not a big deal to most teens these days. But lying? Now that will hurt them. Shame on her for not being open with her own children.
- SameDeepWaterAsPhil
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Re: LW filed for divorce, but wants to cohabitate for a year...
It's done. It's all done. We told them about the divorce last Sunday, & then she immediately followed by telling them her "stuff." A week on, & I'm in a state of bewilderment. The kids, both boys, are predictably avoiding questions. I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone.
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Thread Starter