okay, can we go one question at a time -

Do you believe a bisexual man is a good match for a straight woman?

Hi Sean, 

My answer to the question is no.  No.  No.  Can I say no again?

Though you can say it is beyond your experience as a gay man, I am a straight woman, it is not beyond my experience, and I know now I need a straight man.

But when I was a young woman, if my ex had told me he was bisexual, that it made him a bit special and meant he had a choice and he had chosen me because I was his soul mate I would have felt flattered to have been chosen, believing he was my soul mate.  I would not have had the experience to know better, I could be talked into anything.

If he had said he wanted polyamory I would have known I didn't want that.  Monogamy comes with an emotionality that supports it doesn't it, you trust your partner not to stray because it hurts.  

Next question, what difference do you think it makes to the relationship where the husband is bisexual rather than straight?







 

ok so can I suggest that where the rubber meets the road IS with the straight women the bisexuals marry.

They are the ones who are blowing the whistle - 'excuse me, I'm not feeling loved here, even though my husband is my soulmate and I will stand by him through thick and thin.'

And no she is Not going to hear I'm into vagina, she is either going to get mechanical-feeling sex, limp-feeling sex, or she is going to hear all sorts of excuses or more likely all sorts of accusations, my ex accused me of putting him off because I was too affectionate.  Then he accused me of not initiating enough.  IMO it's only complicated because of all the untruth.

I didn't want the limp-feeling sex - we were both desperate not to have sex or even sleep in the same bed by middle age.

In a sense he wasn't lying - from his perspective I was too affectionate and didn't initiate the way he wanted - because what he wanted was a nice strong gay man to do him.  If he wasn't determined to keep lying he could have had it - his boyfriend went and got married too.  All of that mayhem caused in people's lives because he wanted his closet.

I would have left him in a heartbeat given the truth.  I had my own life to live.  He just kept me on a rope.

Bisexuals who don't marry straight women can say what they like.  Their closet is secure.  It's brilliant - they can date men as much as they like, play around with women as much as they like and they're just being sexually fluid.  They still expect a straight woman to accept them as if it's their god-given right.

so next question is personal Sean - can you remember how you and your wife hitched up - did you pursue her or did she pursue you?



 

That's a 2 hour podcast!  and the interviewer takes up most of it doesn't she?  Hopefully I listened far enough.  I got to where you got divorced.  So yes both young and inexperienced.  It's hard to get a read on the relationship but maybe she is quite a kind-hearted soul?  Was it all vanilla sex or did she show something of herself in the bedroom?

My ex had a girlfriend before me, she is still in the closet too.  I thought she was such a nice woman when I met her but over time I came to realise she isn't, she's just like my ex.  They lasted 3 years together and then she went off with another man and had children with him.  He was a straight and suffered like I did in my marriage.

I used to think why didn't they stay together but of course where's the fun for them in that.

Thank you for the shout out LMM. For reference, here are some links:

Your very first post : link 1
Your recent update: link 2

In reply: 

1. ....just popping in here after a long absence to say you were so right about my ex. So incredibly spot on! I’m mostly referring to my interview with you, but also the things you said in your podcast interviews in the public one and on this forum.

Thank you, although I'm sorry I was right about your (future) ex-husband. 

2. I wanted to find more good in him and see that moving out gave him the space and emotional capacity to become trustworthy. No, instead he’s falling apart. Our entire adult lives (since college/grad school) I’ve been there to prop him up and get him through stuff.

As I've shared in previous posts and in several podcast interviews, some closted/questioning husbands have personality disorders; something I always suggest straight wives discuss with a qualified mental health professional. Most personality disordered people are attracted to, or perhaps prey upon, very kind, caring, and empathetic partners. Given our past exchanges and interview, your ex-husband sounded very much like a narcsissist whereas you came across as more of an empath. Sadly, these relationships are toxically one-sided, not unlike what you shared above. So what's my point? Some relationships (like yours) make the straight wife feel like she's treading water with her husband standing on her shoulders. And she often realizes how difficult it was only after she's swimming on her own. 

3. And to make people see him as good and functional, and smooth over his relational problems. Without me, he only has his own skills. He lost his job and was sued (dishonesty, bad management skills) but they dropped the lawsuit when he left.

I can't say I'm very surprised.

4. He plays the victim of me to our kids.

Classic narcissism! 

5. It’s crazy! I started dating someone very unexpectedly 6 months ago, and he uses that to play the sad role so they [the kids] feel bad for him. Really, it’s his perfect excuse to avoid the kids! He never wanted them or got close to them, so of course he’s now moving far away and saying he won’t see them even on holidays - but he tells them it’s because I’m with someone who makes me happy and he’s too sad to see me happy. What?!? Makes no sense.

Congratulations on your new relationship! It must be a whole different experience dating a straight man. With regards to your ex-husband, good riddance. While there may be sadness with dad's departure, this move is truly a Godsend...for both you and your children. Time and distance will help all of you heal. 

6. Everything he says to them makes it look like I’m bad for dating or bad for being happy, and he’s forced to be down in the pit of despair forever because of my new, better life. He wants their pity. He wants them to feel soft and tender for his bad plight.

Playing victim this way suggests he suffers from a form of personality disorder. 

7. On the other hand, the day he moved out (13 months ago!) I started living from a deep strength I never knew I had inside me. I’m confident, clear minded, no longer always feeling guilty and flawed. It’s like you said to me, he’s radioactive and only 20% of what he says is true. He’s a professional grade deceiver! I couldn’t see it so clearly before.

Freedom!

8. I wrote a general update on here the other day. Then listened to your latest podcast and wanted to thank you for guiding me in so many ways on the forum and by doing interviews!

Thank you for sharing your experience, strength, and hope my friend. Please keep coming back and sharing. 

If any straight spouses have questions for a gay ex-husband, feel free to post them below. Be well!

Last edited by Sean01 (May 6, 2023 3:32 am)