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April 26, 2023 7:13 pm  #1

Sad, hurt, lost, lonely...newbie

My husband was horribly sexually abused as a child. He only remembered it through therapy in 2018. Since then, my life has been a rollercoaster. He remembered his abuse in Oct 2018, or at least that is when he shared it with me. By March of 2019, he was a full blown cocaine and meth addict, dealing drugs, screwing his way through my FB friend list... and he left me for months. I always knew that he would come back, once he got his poop in a group and realized what he was losing. He came home a complete train wreck. He was on all sorts of psych meds and drinking heavily, but off the hard core drugs. He'd black out and not remember anything. 

One night a couple months after he came home, we were at a birthday party in a bar. He had a few too many and then disappeared. 40 minutes later, I walked into the mens room and found him in the act with another man. I got him out of there as fast as I could. While we were driving home, he threw himself out of the car at 30mph. I had to call the cops because he took off running out into the night with no coat in sub zero temps. It was awful. The next day, he had no idea he had done any of that and when I told him, he was hysterically upset. 

A few months later, same scenario, but with an old friend from high school that he brought home to have a 3some with me. I was not interested and he left with her, I found them in the back seat of his car a couple hours later. Again, he had NO recollection of it. A few months later, he stopped taking the meds and stopped drinking. Everything got better. In 2020, he moved basically into the basement, out of the blue. (our home is like a duplex, I cannot go downstairs without going outside) We sleep opposite hours many days due to work, and he was never much of a bed sleeper even when we were doing great. We rarely have sex, and when I ask, it rarely happened, but he'd blame me for never initiating sex. He bought a strap on for me to use on him and I was not really into it, but I did it for him, but then he stopped asking. For the last couple years, there were literally days that we were in the house 24 hours and I didn't even see him. I've been alone in this marriage for years. 

In Feb I decided to start going to therapy on my own. We started fighting badly not long after, but I thought it was just a phase. I've apologized for being out of sorts since starting therapy and he held me close, and reminded me of how *I* had been there for him through all of his trials, and not to worry. Well, last week he left me. After everything I put up with from him, HE LEFT ME. It's over. When I quietly asked him if it was over, he said "yes, I think so." He said that he couldn't take lying to me and hurting me anymore, that he was holding me back from living my best life. I BEGGED him to go to therapy with me, and he said it wouldn't help. I didn't know what he meant, but apparently he's been gaslighting me the entire time he's been back home.  

A friend told me he has a tinder profile stating seeking gay men. An acquaintance (that had NO IDEA I had caught him in 2019) told me that her friend had walked in on him in the act with a man in a public place about 2 years ago, and that his indiscretions are known by many.. He has no idea I know any of this. He wears my underwear, he had erectile dysfunction whenever we have sex and can usually not orgasm. I know I am mourning the man I knew for the first 4 years of our marriage that was my best friend and incredible lover, but we have had a sham of a marriage for the last 8 or so. 

He's being so kind, asking if I need help, helping with all the bills while I get on my feet alone, he's VERY upset moving out, and he still wants to be "friends." I want SO MUCH to tell him I KNOW you've been lying to me, but what good will it do other than embarrass him further? I'm betting he wasn't having safe sex, so now I get to worry about MY health. I love him so much. He's been my rock for the loss of my parents, ovarian cancer and the deaths of some pretty important animals. I've helped him raise 2 beautiful kids for 12 years. I even told him long ago that if he wanted to be with men, that I was OK with it as long as he was safe and he was honest. He told me no man was as big as his toys and that he didn't need a man. 

I know I'm rambling, I'm sorry. But WHO can I talk about this with? Nobody. I don't want to out him and hurt him. But in a petty way, when all is said and done, *I* want to tell him I KNOW. I know you lied after I accepted you as you were, I know you were having unprotected sex and putting me at risk for YEARS....I KNOW...

I feel so broken. 

Last edited by JamieK (April 26, 2023 7:17 pm)


April 26, 2023 8:36 pm  #2

Re: Sad, hurt, lost, lonely...newbie

Welcome to the club that none of us wanted to join. Now is not the time to have conversations with him but to begin taking care of yourself.

Since you know the extent of his sexual escapades your first call needs to be your doctor to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases and to make sure that this crisis is not affecting your health in other ways, such a high blood pressure.

Are you comfortable continuing with the therapist you began seeing in February? You are going to need to stop looking to your husband for comfort.  This site has information on in-person and other support available besides this forum. There were none hear me and I was paired with a woman in a similar situation who was further along in her journey. She was very helpful.

When you have yourself reasonably composed you will want to find out about divorce, support and custody laws where you live. Before you see an attorney make sure that you have set up a separate bank account and know all about the family assets and liabilities. Make copies of documents.

Ending a marriage is a cold, hard business deal and you only get one shot at it. Focus on protecting your future: that was what helped me to not get hung up on his past behaviors.

Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.

April 26, 2023 9:54 pm  #3

Re: Sad, hurt, lost, lonely...newbie

I hate to be heartless - but my guy also threw the sexual abuse history at me. He also used the whole ongoing mental illness excuse. Anxiety, depression - and the best one of all - his insomnia. Which he claimed frequently happened around 3AM (which just happened to be the same time I believe he would get on whatsapp for male hookups). I sort of believed that I was the only one who could understand this poor tortured soul, and that’s why he was confiding in me. My guy was really slick - he would never actually specify what happened to him, just implied. And I believe this was also just enough vague so that he could never be held accountable. Since reading these posts - even though I know sexual abuse occurs quite a bit - I’m always suspicious now when the person throws it out there like a neon sign. And at the most opportune moments (like right when you are about to get rid of them). It was amazing to me that their whole lives seem to be an elaborate set up to hide their second life.

And mine was also CONSTANTLY the victim. In seemingly every interaction. I bought all this abuse history, listened to his problems - and then was absolutely stunned after a trip to Switzerland for a week (I was thinking lots of saunas helped the insomnia) he was magically better. Funny how those lifelong tragedies magically vanished.


April 27, 2023 2:56 am  #4

Re: Sad, hurt, lost, lonely...newbie

Abby wrote:

Ending a marriage is a cold, hard business deal and you only get one shot at it.

 Perhaps I'm generalizing but most of us women have been conditioned to act nicely and be concerned about building peace and understanding. Doing the above is difficult since it seems to go against what's considered feminine. Asking for a fair financial settlement may be difficult as interest in this seems greedy, unladylike.

I'd suggest consulting with a few family law attorneys to see what your legal and financial rights are.  You have the information to take the next steps to get on your best foot forward.

Your h may have a boyfriend who gave him an ultimatum. That could explain his abrupt ending of the marriage.  Don't discount the idea that his confusion may be an act to escape accountability for his lies and poor behavior.

My late GIDXH was the same. He embodied an old song lyric - "He's a walking contradiction, partly truth and partly fiction."

Truly take care of yourself.

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

April 27, 2023 2:47 pm  #5

Re: Sad, hurt, lost, lonely...newbie

JamieK wrote:

...... He said that he couldn't take lying to me and hurting me anymore, that he was holding me back from living my best life...... 


Hi JamieK. Well you're not broken. The stupidly selfish man you thought loved you forever wants you to think you're broken. Through all the confusing, hurtful times you've had...he's had to live two lives to survive so he's the one who's been scrambling about wearing two faces of dishonesty. And more to the point....trying to get you involved (the strap-on....yuck) 
Yeah I bet he's upset at moving out...lol. He will be thinking as long as he's (kind of) nice to you then you'll keep his secret. He's hurting your life, your future, you...and wants you to stay silent. What a coward!

Who can you talk to? Us, your family, a good friend who will keep your confidence and not blurt out to people you don't want to tell. 
I found after I had told family....mine not his....I felt I had support. I told them what the issue was too. I didn't gloss over it, and answered any questions they had. Our Forum is here for you. 

This man, although you say you love him, does not deserve your love but you won't see that until you realise you can be stronger without him



KIA KAHA                       

April 27, 2023 4:45 pm  #6

Re: Sad, hurt, lost, lonely...newbie


Welcome and wow..he sounds like he has a lot of problems that require professional help..you sound like a strong and awesome wife but his drug use and drinking sound beyond the abilities of a wife to fix.   Couple that with clear gayness..

You sound really supportive of him but who is supporting YOU?  We love these spouses but they hurt us and we are not imperious omnipotent beings that can take an infinite amount of hurt. We cannot "solve" their being gay and hurtful.

Definitely read the first aid thread and build a support system for YOU.  You took a first step by posting here.

Wishing you strength and self love.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

April 28, 2023 1:14 pm  #7

Re: Sad, hurt, lost, lonely...newbie

I'm going to be honest but cold:  This man doesn't give a crap about you.  He's told you buckets of lies, gaslit the hell out of you, exposed you to STDs, broken your wedding vows, and is feigning amnesia when it's convenient for him.  I have no idea how you could forget about throwing yourself out of a car at 30 mph.  He's being "so kind" to you?  You need to re-examine your definition of "kindness".

As for "outing" him?  He's got public Tinder profiles and everybody seems to know about his indiscretions.  He's outed himself, and you're merely distributing his self-written press release.  And when you've been dragged unwittingly into someone else's closet, you have the right to tell the whole world about it.  

Good luck.  Please get mental headspace from this man and the assistance of a lawyer immediately.



April 28, 2023 1:41 pm  #8

Re: Sad, hurt, lost, lonely...newbie

I agree with everyone else. Take care of yourself and your needs. Take legal action to protect your assets and future. 


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