My husband was horribly sexually abused as a child. He only remembered it through therapy in 2018. Since then, my life has been a rollercoaster. He remembered his abuse in Oct 2018, or at least that is when he shared it with me. By March of 2019, he was a full blown cocaine and meth addict, dealing drugs, screwing his way through my FB friend list... and he left me for months. I always knew that he would come back, once he got his poop in a group and realized what he was losing. He came home a complete train wreck. He was on all sorts of psych meds and drinking heavily, but off the hard core drugs. He'd black out and not remember anything. 

One night a couple months after he came home, we were at a birthday party in a bar. He had a few too many and then disappeared. 40 minutes later, I walked into the mens room and found him in the act with another man. I got him out of there as fast as I could. While we were driving home, he threw himself out of the car at 30mph. I had to call the cops because he took off running out into the night with no coat in sub zero temps. It was awful. The next day, he had no idea he had done any of that and when I told him, he was hysterically upset. 

A few months later, same scenario, but with an old friend from high school that he brought home to have a 3some with me. I was not interested and he left with her, I found them in the back seat of his car a couple hours later. Again, he had NO recollection of it. A few months later, he stopped taking the meds and stopped drinking. Everything got better. In 2020, he moved basically into the basement, out of the blue. (our home is like a duplex, I cannot go downstairs without going outside) We sleep opposite hours many days due to work, and he was never much of a bed sleeper even when we were doing great. We rarely have sex, and when I ask, it rarely happened, but he'd blame me for never initiating sex. He bought a strap on for me to use on him and I was not really into it, but I did it for him, but then he stopped asking. For the last couple years, there were literally days that we were in the house 24 hours and I didn't even see him. I've been alone in this marriage for years. 

In Feb I decided to start going to therapy on my own. We started fighting badly not long after, but I thought it was just a phase. I've apologized for being out of sorts since starting therapy and he held me close, and reminded me of how *I* had been there for him through all of his trials, and not to worry. Well, last week he left me. After everything I put up with from him, HE LEFT ME. It's over. When I quietly asked him if it was over, he said "yes, I think so." He said that he couldn't take lying to me and hurting me anymore, that he was holding me back from living my best life. I BEGGED him to go to therapy with me, and he said it wouldn't help. I didn't know what he meant, but apparently he's been gaslighting me the entire time he's been back home.  

A friend told me he has a tinder profile stating seeking gay men. An acquaintance (that had NO IDEA I had caught him in 2019) told me that her friend had walked in on him in the act with a man in a public place about 2 years ago, and that his indiscretions are known by many.. He has no idea I know any of this. He wears my underwear, he had erectile dysfunction whenever we have sex and can usually not orgasm. I know I am mourning the man I knew for the first 4 years of our marriage that was my best friend and incredible lover, but we have had a sham of a marriage for the last 8 or so. 

He's being so kind, asking if I need help, helping with all the bills while I get on my feet alone, he's VERY upset moving out, and he still wants to be "friends." I want SO MUCH to tell him I KNOW you've been lying to me, but what good will it do other than embarrass him further? I'm betting he wasn't having safe sex, so now I get to worry about MY health. I love him so much. He's been my rock for the loss of my parents, ovarian cancer and the deaths of some pretty important animals. I've helped him raise 2 beautiful kids for 12 years. I even told him long ago that if he wanted to be with men, that I was OK with it as long as he was safe and he was honest. He told me no man was as big as his toys and that he didn't need a man. 

I know I'm rambling, I'm sorry. But WHO can I talk about this with? Nobody. I don't want to out him and hurt him. But in a petty way, when all is said and done, *I* want to tell him I KNOW. I know you lied after I accepted you as you were, I know you were having unprotected sex and putting me at risk for YEARS....I KNOW...

I feel so broken. 

Last edited by JamieK (April 26, 2023 7:17 pm)