Thanks Rose. In reply: 

"​While I don’t think it’s any of our “fault” if someone is lying to us, I can see that I’ve been ineffective to date, at getting this to a healthier place."

Perhaps. A fellow member posts something along the lines of: 

"Whatever he [my future ex-husband] is, he isn't for me." 

Most straight spouses I've exchanged with over the years struggle to define their husbands' sexualities; largely because their husbands are incapable of admitting their own attraction to, or to having sex with, men. Whether it takes 1 month, 1 year, or a decade, I reckon straight spouses eventually say to themselves, "Whatever he is, he just isn't for me." With regards to co-dependency, while the term scared me at first I no longer see it as a negative word. For me personally, co-dependency is as involuntary as sexual orientation or eye colour. After years of posting here, I strongly believe that most gay/straight marriages mirror almost exactly narcissist/co-dependent relationships. Narcissists live only for themselves and often choose as partners co-dependents...who only live for (or through) others. So what's my point? If a straight spouse is indeed "co-dependent" I don't see it as a spouse being lesser than; nor do I see it in terms of being at fault. I see it more in terms of a caring straight wife lovingly and methodically gluing back together the pieces of a shattered relationship; only to have her closeted husband smash it it to pieces again and again and again. If a straight spouse is indeed a co-dependent, which a mental health professional can quickly diagnose, acknowledging and working on co-dependency won't change a troubled past with a closeted spouse. There was never any way she could fix him if he is constitutionally incapable of being honest with himself regarding his attraction to men. Working on her co-dependency alone will, however, assist her with both present and future relationships. And this work might help you and others avoid toxic men in future romantic relationships as well. Food for thought. I hope that makes sense on some level my friend. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (March 28, 2023 9:03 am)

BlueBear,

Actor or actress..yes guess that is what I can think of my GX as now..she is not dead but the person walking around now is not who I married.  I don't think they deserve an Oscar though as they ultimately failed in their role..could not maintain and stay in character for a lifetime which is what they vowed to do when they married us.
I remain, to this day, in character and not acting.

Sean wrote:
" I...wrongly tried to blame my (then) wife for "trapping" me in a role I'd willingly chosen! For a time, I tried to style myself as the victim at her hands which was so wrong. The only thing she was guilty of was marrying a closeted, dishonest, and emotionally broken husband. Eventually, I admitted my many mistakes, apologized profusely for lying to her..."

If only every one of our non-straight spouses would say and do the same.  To read what you have written is a balm, because even knowing what i know and having experienced my ex's abusive behavior to me, I still to this day five years after leaving still feel the effects of having internalized my ex's blame-shifting victimization narrative and question myself.  
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (April 1, 2023 9:13 am)

Thank you for writing Pink, although I'm so very sorry you and your children are still suffering at the hands of this disturbed man. In reply: 

1. Hi Sean and all I hope you don’t mind me popping back in to share recent events with my husband.

Of course not. Share as much as you like my friend. 

 2. Last night we had an interesting conversation. I asked him why he told me he might have been masturbating to a man. He said because he thought I’d find it easier to cope with than if he was watching a woman.

What a tw*t. Well he's certainly creative when it comes to his explanations. 

3. I told him I didn’t believe any straight man would want his wife to even imagine her husband liking men or watching gay porn. He said “well if I was gay you’d wanna help me wouldn’t you?” 

What a monster. 

4. I told him that I think it’s totally uncaring and disrespectful to allow me to question his sexuality with a statement like that.

100% agree. 

5. I flat out asked him “are you gay?” He said no with blushed cheeks. The whole time tears were pouring down my face and not once did he feel anything for me. He didn’t want to console me, just shout at me about all I’ve done wrong in the relationship. Apparently I’ve not shown him enough love or respect since we’ve had children.

What a monster. I'd again urge you to seek out a professional opinion to determine if you are currently in an abusive relationship. 

6. He told me he knows there’s better looking women than me but he loves me.

Again, monster. 

7. It was the first time I’ve asked him the question “are you gay” and I can’t shake the feeling that his comments back to that were strange. Anyone else? Or I am just being paranoid like he says?

Based on what you've shared, no you're not being paranoid my friend. Let's not lose sight of what recently happened: your husband received a naked male massage in a sauna and ejaculated during that massage. He then proceeded to claim he was sexually assaulted but refused to press charges. This is not something straight husbands/fathers do. You are fully justified in questioning his sexuality and, I believe, questioning whether this man is capable of being a good husband/father. 

I hope that helps but please feel free to post again. Be well! 

Thank you for posting Anon, although I'm so very sorry you've found yourself here. In response to your post: 

1. Hello Sean; I would like to ask you a few questions to get the perspective from the LGBTQ side. I am the straight wife in the scenario. Unlike other scenarios, my gay husband was quite forthright.

Got it. I just want to confirm that your first post was "Just at the Beginning" posted on April 20, 2022, as I will reference this in my answers. If I'm reading your first post correctly, your husband came out as bisexual in early 2020. 

2. I was sitting on the couch one Saturday morning, drinking a cup of coffee and waking up. He sat down beside me on the couch and said "I'm gay, I'm divorcing you". I had no idea this was coming and was completely blind sided. There was no discussion, he was not open to talking, therapy, even taking the time to come up with a plan for separation. He said the one sentence and was then gone. We were married 20 years.

Wow...what an *sshole. If I'm reading your initial posts correctly, your husband came out as bisexual in early 2020, you made it very clear that monogamy was non-negotiable, and couples' counselling didn't help.   

3. As I have moved through the mind fuck that this is, I have tried to make sense of what exactly happened. He is adamant that he had no clue he was gay when we got married. No clue he was gay during the marriage. And that he only figured it out 2 weeks prior to telling me he was divorcing me. He stated he has not cheated, been attracted to any specific man, looked at porn, nothing.

Unlikely. I would rewrite the above to read: 

- When we got married, he hid his attraction to men. 
- He hid his attraction to men during our marriage. 
- He only admitted to himself he wanted to separate/divorce two weeks before telling me. 

As for the porn, cheating, a boyfriend, again I think this is unlikely. As a career divorce attorney recently stated during one of my favourite podcasts, "In 30-odd years of practice, I've only encountered two (2) husbands who divorced without having a new partner. Men only divorce when they've met somone else." 

4. I asked him why he blind sided me with the information and never once brought anything up in the past 20 years. He said he couldn't talk to me and he couldn't make this work. So, he made the unilateral decision to divorce me.

Perhaps I've misread your previous posts, but it would appear that your future ex-husband admitted an attraction to men in early 2020. At that time, he also admitted struggling with his sexuality since 2016. So I disagree that "he never once brought anything up" as these are massive red flags. You wrote: "I also have that fear - that a bi person is just lying to themselves and is really gay - but all the therapists I have talked to say this is not true. That a person who is truly bi (and not lying to themselves) does not progress to becoming gay. That only those who are not being honest about it do (and they knew already they were gay, just didn't want to accept it)." Agreed! 

5. I waffle between empathy and disgust by his behaviour. He did not leave me in a good situation, and in fact literally just walked away from his entire life. Just took his clothes and one of the tvs. Left me with 5 pets to take care of, a half renovated house to deal with, and no money.

How heartless. 

6. In an effort to try to understand his side of this, I have asked him to please explain some things. We slept together for 20 years (consistently, without issues) and that only changed about a month before his announcement. He never mentioned anything. He complimented me etc. Here I was happy and making future plans.

This is unusual. Most gay/straight relationships eventually become sexless because gay men struggle to have sex with women. Sex normally stops when the husband starts cheating.  

7. So, I have not ever struggled with my sexuality. So, I honestly don't know how this works. He states he was in denial until he had his gay epiphany 2 weeks before leaving. He said he was able to have sex with me because of his denial right up until the end. All of these revelations have been great for my self esteem *eye roll*. He has basically said a lot of incredibly cruel and hurtful things that I really wish he had kept to himself. I am curious, in your opinion, is this plausible? 

I understand your confusion, particularly if you two had an active sex life right up until his devastating announcement. In the past, I've reversed such statements to determine their veracity. For example, I've never heard a gay person share, "Two weeks ago, I had an epiphany and now know that I'm straight." This sounds ridiculous because it is. Similarly, I've never heard any heterosexuals share the following statements about their sexual orientations: 

- I was abused as a child which made me straight. 
- Being heterosexual is purely a choice. 
- I never felt any attraction to the opposite sex until my late 20s or early 30s. 

So what's my point? Gay people are just like straight people, meaning that like you most of us knew our sexual orientations around age 5 or 6. As I've shared in previous posts, if your husband lied about his sexuality for decades, then claimed he was bisexual, and is now gay, clearly he struggles with honesty when it comes to his sexuality. So if he's lied in the past, I think it's reasonable to assume he's lying now about his timeline. I think a more accurate statement would be that he made a decision to divorce you two (2) weeks before announcing it and yet struggled with his homosexuality for most of his life. 

8. I mean, I don't feel particularly great to be told that it took 2 whole weeks to end our 20 year marriage without even bothering to talk to me.

Again, I'm so very sorry he discarded you in such a brutal way. You deserved better. Based on what you've shared and based on my years of posting here, I believe your husband came out as bisexual almost three years ago when he really should have disclosed, "I'm gay." In my opinion, your husband has known he was gay since childhood, chose to marry a woman to conform (perhaps for religious reasons), met someone, and then announced he was leaving you. I hope I've answered your questions but please feel free to post again. Be well. 

Last edited by Sean01 (April 19, 2023 3:03 pm)