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February 3, 2023 3:47 pm  #11


Re: The affect on your self-image and a bit of venting, in reverse order

Hi Foggonli,

It is good to hear you are so advanced on your trail out of marriage to a gay in denial man.  And that you are in charge of the proceedings.  Please Please Please can I urge you to put yourself FIRST financially.  If you end up thinking you've been unfair to him you can always give him some more later on but you won't be able to get it back if you are generous with him now.

wishing you all the best, Lily

 

February 4, 2023 11:15 am  #12


Re: The affect on your self-image and a bit of venting, in reverse order

Thank you everyone. I relate to many things you've said. Random thoughts today:

I've been able to keep her experience and subsequent coming out separate from who I am to some extent. What I haven't been able to deal with is her saying "I'm still the same person I've always been." Either that isn't true or I've never known her. She said she was trying to live the life she was supposed to live. The one everyone told her she should live. And now that she doesn't believe she has to, she's making different choices. That  hurts. That tells me I wasn't ever what she REALLY wanted, which tells me everything was a lie. I was the least bad option.

A little over two years ago she told me I'd become the perfect husband. She said I was everything she had ever hoped and prayed for and that she didn't think that was even possible, for someone to have a person like me. Within a couple of months she came out. Recently she told me she was sad because she was pretty sure she'd never find someone who loved her as completely as I have. 

One of the reasons I waited so long to ask for a divorce is because I'm not the one who changed or came out. I'm not the one who did this but I have to make the shit decision and hear how she didn't want a divorce. Like somehow, her changing our marriage and relationship into being roommates with kids isn't ending our marriage. I didn't make the choices that led to this. It's like blaming the kid who beats the shit out of the bully on the last day of school after enduring insults and gossip the whole year (but I'm not hitting anyone). 

Something I can't get out of my head- hearing her say that in order to sleep with me, she had to disconnect from part of who she is and it made her feel like dying. There are so many things she's said that have blown a hole in what I think of myself. 

I'm choosing to be happy that I'm making the decision to divorce. I'm choosing not to stay where I'm not wanted and not appreciated for who I am, where I have to pretend to be someone I'm not. I wanted who she said she was and assumed she was being honest, not acting. I was who I actually am and she rejected me. That's fine. I'll make the difficult, good decision. 

Last edited by HereInMpls2717 (February 4, 2023 11:49 am)

     Thread Starter
 

February 4, 2023 12:28 pm  #13


Re: The affect on your self-image and a bit of venting, in reverse order

HereInMpls2717 wrote:

 "I'm still the same person I've always been." Either that isn't true or I've never known her. She said she was trying to live the life she was supposed to live. The one everyone told her she should live. And now that she doesn't believe she has to, she's making different choices.  

Its like they are reading from the same book. My near Ex said this, VERBATIM! It's interesting, because just like you, I have asked for and continue to push for the divorce for my own health, physical and mental. She has barely lifted a finger to move the process forward. Now in the first few months, she kept saying one thing and doing another, I know because she wanted to use me. I was the one thing in her shitty life that was stable and reliable...for 23 years. Losing that as she explores this lesbian path was scary for her. After being gaslight numerous times, I finally went no contact. She is now less subtlety, trying to slowly move her way back towards friendship. I won't say a word to her. not to be childish, but again, to protect myself. 

I've concluded she only knows how to use people for what she wants. Between that and ALL of the lies, affairs, me finding her online profile clearly stating "looking for men" while deciding on her own to tell our kids "the only reason we are divorcing is because she is gay" (her attempt to remove herself from accountability, if she is gay, its not her fault)..For my situation, I dont think she has a clue "what she is" and the amount of damage she happily) with a smile, did to our kids/family and myself, made it clear divorce was the only option. Maybe in time she will come around and regret it all? I don't know and frankly, do not care. She made her bed, and she will lie in it. I stuck with her and accepted so much less than I could have had because vows meant something to me and I loved her. Part of me will always love her, while recognizing having her in any aspect in my life, is beyond toxic. 

Keep moving forward. Your journey is your own. I continue to hope for your best and highest good outcome.

Last edited by Blackie563 (February 4, 2023 12:29 pm)

 

February 4, 2023 8:38 pm  #14


Re: The affect on your self-image and a bit of venting, in reverse order

Honestly....my gay husband said the exact same thing as well. Word for word. 

I just remember staring at him and wondering if he thought I was an idiot...

It makes me wonder. If he was supposedly always this person and nothing has changed...then doesn't that confirm that he was just a liar the whole time? Are these people really this deluded?

He will argue with me until he's blue in the face that he's still the same person. I told him, and I have told everyone else that I don't know this man, he is a stranger to me. It's very disconcerting. I still feel like I've had this weird out of body chasm of my mind.....on one side is the life I had and on the other side is this new life. I stare at the old me and can't reconcile what happened to her.

 

February 5, 2023 6:16 am  #15


Re: The affect on your self-image and a bit of venting, in reverse order

My trans husband also said he was the same person he's always been... while slowly trying to transform into a twisted version of woman in front of my eyes. I mean, WTF?! I tried to understand his point of view because I love him. But my mind simply refused to process it.
When I think about it now, it really proves he's been a liar all his life.

 

February 5, 2023 11:41 am  #16


Re: The affect on your self-image and a bit of venting, in reverse order

Marianne,
 My trans-identifying ex also said he was the same person.  If you're the same person, I said, then what's the need for all this change?  Isn't is the case that in fact you do not want to be the same person?   

My take away was that he simply didn't want to admit to how much he was asking, or that it was at all traumatic for me.  

 

February 7, 2023 8:59 am  #17


Re: The affect on your self-image and a bit of venting, in reverse order

Something Anon asked in another thread got me thinking. I've tried to imagine having the capacity to be in a long-term intimate relationship with someone opposite my orientation (or even as a 1-time thing) and I can't. That's why I had a hard time accepting that sexuality is fixed for a while. My LW told me it would be like me being with a man, but I assumed she didn't understand her analogy. That would be impossible for me. Even with a gun to my head, I couldn't. No offense to or judgement for gay men, it's just not for me.

Accepting that she understood her analogy just fine is partly what tanked my self-image so much these last many months. The person I shared everything with was acting. Whether it was malicious or not, everything was a lie. I was a cover for her survival. I've been of use.  

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