Hi Foggonli,

It is good to hear you are so advanced on your trail out of marriage to a gay in denial man.  And that you are in charge of the proceedings.  Please Please Please can I urge you to put yourself FIRST financially.  If you end up thinking you've been unfair to him you can always give him some more later on but you won't be able to get it back if you are generous with him now.

wishing you all the best, Lily

HereInMpls2717 wrote:

 "I'm still the same person I've always been." Either that isn't true or I've never known her. She said she was trying to live the life she was supposed to live. The one everyone told her she should live. And now that she doesn't believe she has to, she's making different choices.  

Its like they are reading from the same book. My near Ex said this, VERBATIM! It's interesting, because just like you, I have asked for and continue to push for the divorce for my own health, physical and mental. She has barely lifted a finger to move the process forward. Now in the first few months, she kept saying one thing and doing another, I know because she wanted to use me. I was the one thing in her shitty life that was stable and reliable...for 23 years. Losing that as she explores this lesbian path was scary for her. After being gaslight numerous times, I finally went no contact. She is now less subtlety, trying to slowly move her way back towards friendship. I won't say a word to her. not to be childish, but again, to protect myself. 

I've concluded she only knows how to use people for what she wants. Between that and ALL of the lies, affairs, me finding her online profile clearly stating "looking for men" while deciding on her own to tell our kids "the only reason we are divorcing is because she is gay" (her attempt to remove herself from accountability, if she is gay, its not her fault)..For my situation, I dont think she has a clue "what she is" and the amount of damage she happily) with a smile, did to our kids/family and myself, made it clear divorce was the only option. Maybe in time she will come around and regret it all? I don't know and frankly, do not care. She made her bed, and she will lie in it. I stuck with her and accepted so much less than I could have had because vows meant something to me and I loved her. Part of me will always love her, while recognizing having her in any aspect in my life, is beyond toxic. 

Keep moving forward. Your journey is your own. I continue to hope for your best and highest good outcome.

Last edited by Blackie563 (February 4, 2023 12:29 pm)

My trans husband also said he was the same person he's always been... while slowly trying to transform into a twisted version of woman in front of my eyes. I mean, WTF?! I tried to understand his point of view because I love him. But my mind simply refused to process it.
When I think about it now, it really proves he's been a liar all his life.

Something Anon asked in another thread got me thinking. I've tried to imagine having the capacity to be in a long-term intimate relationship with someone opposite my orientation (or even as a 1-time thing) and I can't. That's why I had a hard time accepting that sexuality is fixed for a while. My LW told me it would be like me being with a man, but I assumed she didn't understand her analogy. That would be impossible for me. Even with a gun to my head, I couldn't. No offense to or judgement for gay men, it's just not for me.

Accepting that she understood her analogy just fine is partly what tanked my self-image so much these last many months. The person I shared everything with was acting. Whether it was malicious or not, everything was a lie. I was a cover for her survival. I've been of use.