Not my situation but I've seen your feelings expressed by others. Your spouse has changed a critical part of the basis of your relationship, and now expects you to adapt and continue on like nothing changed. The truth is that you get a say in what you do next. You are not just an accessory to the new life they imagine for themselves. You get to decide if you want to be married to a transitioned female.

It's like the person you married was an imposter and the mask just came off. I think we all go through a mix of confusion and anger, yet still care for the person we originally fell in love with. It's a crazy ride until you get your bearings. Focus on your health, mental and physical.


Stuff you might not be ready to think about yet. Skip if you need to.
We all know how raw these wounds can be, especially in the early days.
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Transitioning, the medical process, can be expensive. Some spouses also burn money in 'dressing the part', particularly wardrobe and makeup. It seems some will waver, chuck it all out, change their mind, buy it all again, rinse and repeat. Protect yourself financially.

If you have kids to consider, do what you can to protect their future. You won't be able to cover this up indefinitely.

If you are thinking of ending the relationship, find out what that means in your jurisdiction. Educating yourself, talking to a lawyer in a preliminary discussion, doesn't commit you to moving forward. It does give you knowledge on how to proceed, what to think about in terms of separation vs. divorce, etc. That is power.

Finally, and this one may be the most painful. What's next? After your spouse transitions, what if they decide that they need to experience being with a man to feel like they are validated?
 

Last edited by Daryl (December 15, 2022 10:33 am)

Daryl wrote:

Not my situation but I've seen your feelings expressed by others. Your spouse has changed a critical part of the basis of your relationship, and now expects you to adapt and continue on like nothing changed. The truth is that you get a say in what you do next. You are not just an accessory to the new life they imagine for themselves. You get to decide if you want to be married to a transitioned female.

It's like the person you married was an imposter and the mask just came off. I think we all go through a mix of confusion and anger, yet still care for the person we originally fell in love with. It's a crazy ride until you get your bearings. Focus on your health, mental and physical.


Stuff you might not be ready to think about yet. Skip if you need to.
We all know how raw these wounds can be, especially in the early days.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


Transitioning, the medical process, can be expensive. Some spouses also burn money in 'dressing the part', particularly wardrobe and makeup. It seems some will waver, chuck it all out, change their mind, buy it all again, rinse and repeat. Protect yourself financially.

If you have kids to consider, do what you can to protect their future. You won't be able to cover this up indefinitely.

If you are thinking of ending the relationship, find out what that means in your jurisdiction. Educating yourself, talking to a lawyer in a preliminary discussion, doesn't commit you to moving forward. It does give you knowledge on how to proceed, what to think about in terms of separation vs. divorce, etc. That is power.

Finally, and this one may be the most painful. What's next? After your spouse transitions, what if they decide that they need to experience being with a man to feel like they are validated?
 

Thank you Daryl, I’ll take all that into consideration. I don’t feel like she is an imposter so much as I wasn’t given a choice in who I married. I am just really sad about it, we were finally getting somewhere and then it all changed (not a fan of change on a small subject much something so big). It doesn’t feel fair. I’m not sure what this supposed to teach me…

Yes, we straight spouses didn't get a vote in any of this. We were tricked into marrying someone we would never consider. And we are expected to just accept anything the trans spouse comes up with. From my own story and from others I've heard, this is very common. Maybe trans spouses are simply unable to consider other peoples feelings. Maybe they don't care. 

In any case: YOU must be the one who cares about your feelings. As Daryl recommended, focus on your health and your wellbeing. Be kind to yourself and know that all your feelings are completely normal and valid in your situation.

JKvali wrote:

My husband, wait no, he asked me to call him wife or partner is trans female. She told me last January that she has always been a woman and will transition. First of all, what the what? Second, am I just your freakin beard?? Third, why is it that I have to make concessions all the time? I’m not changing, I’m still here and I work in public as a marketer, people know me. Im straight, I didn’t ask for this but now I have to bow down to her feelings? WITLF? Don’t get me wrong I’m trying to understand and be considerate but she does not consider my feelings at all. Im just supposed to suck it up, start wearing pride rainbows and everything will be ok, right? She just figured out that I have no interest in having sex with a woman. Not that I haven’t been telling her for almost a year she just finally heard it. 

here’s the thing though. The person I married, I love them. I’m so confused. And mad. And frustrated. And irritated. 

anyone else feel this way?

Okay I am not one to mince words and I'm going to drop some cold hard truth so buckle up. 
1. You must start thinking like a man. Logic and reason are you guide. If it wants to act like a chick, then treat it like one you have been dating and is now pushing your boundaries. Fire it right now. Don't ever look back.
2. This is all a side effect of raising weak soft men. But that's another story. You are just cannon fodder for all this BS. 
3. Don't fold to any of it's demands. Call it by it's biological distinction. Fuck it's feelings. It does not care one rip about you right now. It is feeding on your weakness. The more you fold the stronger it gets. Name one good thing for concessions to bullies. There ain't one. It wants to bully you with it's new found wokeness. It will come at you with the "tyranny of the minority" guaranteed. It will scream and throw the typical insults at you calling you every name in the book. Don't listen. Why would you ever listen to someone's opinion of you who lied to you for years?
4. Hire a lawyer and file for divorce. Move on with your life. It sucks but at least you walk away with your integrity intact. 

Just for fun search the internet for the Navy Seal who "transition" then de-"transitioned" and is now speaking out about how stupid he was. This is their fate. They live a lie and guess what, you never have to be a part of it anymore.