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December 14, 2022 9:38 pm  #1


I’m new..why does this hurt so bad and why am I so damn confused?

My husband, wait no, he asked me to call him wife or partner is trans female. She told me last January that she has always been a woman and will transition. First of all, what the what? Second, am I just your freakin beard?? Third, why is it that I have to make concessions all the time? I’m not changing, I’m still here and I work in public as a marketer, people know me. Im straight, I didn’t ask for this but now I have to bow down to her feelings? WITLF? Don’t get me wrong I’m trying to understand and be considerate but she does not consider my feelings at all. Im just supposed to suck it up, start wearing pride rainbows and everything will be ok, right? She just figured out that I have no interest in having sex with a woman. Not that I haven’t been telling her for almost a year she just finally heard it. 

here’s the thing though. The person I married, I love them. I’m so confused. And mad. And frustrated. And irritated. 

anyone else feel this way?

 

December 15, 2022 10:30 am  #2


Re: I’m new..why does this hurt so bad and why am I so damn confused?

Not my situation but I've seen your feelings expressed by others. Your spouse has changed a critical part of the basis of your relationship, and now expects you to adapt and continue on like nothing changed. The truth is that you get a say in what you do next. You are not just an accessory to the new life they imagine for themselves. You get to decide if you want to be married to a transitioned female.

It's like the person you married was an imposter and the mask just came off. I think we all go through a mix of confusion and anger, yet still care for the person we originally fell in love with. It's a crazy ride until you get your bearings. Focus on your health, mental and physical.


Stuff you might not be ready to think about yet. Skip if you need to.
We all know how raw these wounds can be, especially in the early days.
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Transitioning, the medical process, can be expensive. Some spouses also burn money in 'dressing the part', particularly wardrobe and makeup. It seems some will waver, chuck it all out, change their mind, buy it all again, rinse and repeat. Protect yourself financially.

If you have kids to consider, do what you can to protect their future. You won't be able to cover this up indefinitely.

If you are thinking of ending the relationship, find out what that means in your jurisdiction. Educating yourself, talking to a lawyer in a preliminary discussion, doesn't commit you to moving forward. It does give you knowledge on how to proceed, what to think about in terms of separation vs. divorce, etc. That is power.

Finally, and this one may be the most painful. What's next? After your spouse transitions, what if they decide that they need to experience being with a man to feel like they are validated?
 

Last edited by Daryl (December 15, 2022 10:33 am)


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

December 15, 2022 3:20 pm  #3


Re: I’m new..why does this hurt so bad and why am I so damn confused?

JKvali: I hear you. More or less the same happened to me.

I still love the man I married but he made it clear that the "man" was just a mask, he is dead, he was never real. I hate the new person, the impostor. We are no longer together. When he asked me to call him by his fake female name, I just said no. I'm not doing that. If it makes him happy, he can live any way he likes, but it's not my duty to be his cheerleader if the cost would be my own sanity.

I'm sorry if I got too emotional over this. It happened one year ago and the anniversary is bringing it all back. I just wanted to say: I know what it's like. It's grossly unfair. It's awfully painful. A nuke to your face. A complete brainfuck.

But you can survive this and heal. 

 

December 15, 2022 9:02 pm  #4


Re: I’m new..why does this hurt so bad and why am I so damn confused?

Daryl wrote:

Not my situation but I've seen your feelings expressed by others. Your spouse has changed a critical part of the basis of your relationship, and now expects you to adapt and continue on like nothing changed. The truth is that you get a say in what you do next. You are not just an accessory to the new life they imagine for themselves. You get to decide if you want to be married to a transitioned female.

It's like the person you married was an imposter and the mask just came off. I think we all go through a mix of confusion and anger, yet still care for the person we originally fell in love with. It's a crazy ride until you get your bearings. Focus on your health, mental and physical.


Stuff you might not be ready to think about yet. Skip if you need to.
We all know how raw these wounds can be, especially in the early days.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


Transitioning, the medical process, can be expensive. Some spouses also burn money in 'dressing the part', particularly wardrobe and makeup. It seems some will waver, chuck it all out, change their mind, buy it all again, rinse and repeat. Protect yourself financially.

If you have kids to consider, do what you can to protect their future. You won't be able to cover this up indefinitely.

If you are thinking of ending the relationship, find out what that means in your jurisdiction. Educating yourself, talking to a lawyer in a preliminary discussion, doesn't commit you to moving forward. It does give you knowledge on how to proceed, what to think about in terms of separation vs. divorce, etc. That is power.

Finally, and this one may be the most painful. What's next? After your spouse transitions, what if they decide that they need to experience being with a man to feel like they are validated?
 

Thank you Daryl, I’ll take all that into consideration. I don’t feel like she is an imposter so much as I wasn’t given a choice in who I married. I am just really sad about it, we were finally getting somewhere and then it all changed (not a fan of change on a small subject much something so big). It doesn’t feel fair. I’m not sure what this supposed to teach me…

     Thread Starter
 

December 15, 2022 9:05 pm  #5


Re: I’m new..why does this hurt so bad and why am I so damn confused?

Marianne wrote:

JKvali: I hear you. More or less the same happened to me.

I still love the man I married but he made it clear that the "man" was just a mask, he is dead, he was never real. I hate the new person, the impostor. We are no longer together. When he asked me to call him by his fake female name, I just said no. I'm not doing that. If it makes him happy, he can live any way he likes, but it's not my duty to be his cheerleader if the cost would be my own sanity.

I'm sorry if I got too emotional over this. It happened one year ago and the anniversary is bringing it all back. I just wanted to say: I know what it's like. It's grossly unfair. It's awfully painful. A nuke to your face. A complete brainfuck.

But you can survive this and heal. 

Marianne, I get your emotions, I have some of the same. I hate when she calls her old name her dead name. She doesn’t realize that person was my best friend. I want her to be happy. I want her to be free to be who she is but I want her to remember that I am here and that I have valid emotions and concerns. I didn’t get a vote.

     Thread Starter
 

December 16, 2022 12:50 pm  #6


Re: I’m new..why does this hurt so bad and why am I so damn confused?

Yes, we straight spouses didn't get a vote in any of this. We were tricked into marrying someone we would never consider. And we are expected to just accept anything the trans spouse comes up with. From my own story and from others I've heard, this is very common. Maybe trans spouses are simply unable to consider other peoples feelings. Maybe they don't care. 

In any case: YOU must be the one who cares about your feelings. As Daryl recommended, focus on your health and your wellbeing. Be kind to yourself and know that all your feelings are completely normal and valid in your situation.

 

December 16, 2022 7:45 pm  #7


Re: I’m new..why does this hurt so bad and why am I so damn confused?

Sadly, I don’t think she meant to trick me, I think she thought she could live in her natural body forever because she was afraid of the consequences of coming out. I think she’s always loved me, it just never crossed her mind that I might feel some kind of way about transition. She apologizes a lot but it’s not the same as living through it on this side. She doesn’t understand the heartache it is causing. I hate this. Not her. 

     Thread Starter
 

December 29, 2022 11:17 am  #8


Re: I’m new..why does this hurt so bad and why am I so damn confused?

JKvali wrote:

My husband, wait no, he asked me to call him wife or partner is trans female. She told me last January that she has always been a woman and will transition. First of all, what the what? Second, am I just your freakin beard?? Third, why is it that I have to make concessions all the time? I’m not changing, I’m still here and I work in public as a marketer, people know me. Im straight, I didn’t ask for this but now I have to bow down to her feelings? WITLF? Don’t get me wrong I’m trying to understand and be considerate but she does not consider my feelings at all. Im just supposed to suck it up, start wearing pride rainbows and everything will be ok, right? She just figured out that I have no interest in having sex with a woman. Not that I haven’t been telling her for almost a year she just finally heard it. 

here’s the thing though. The person I married, I love them. I’m so confused. And mad. And frustrated. And irritated. 

anyone else feel this way?

Okay I am not one to mince words and I'm going to drop some cold hard truth so buckle up. 
1. You must start thinking like a man. Logic and reason are you guide. If it wants to act like a chick, then treat it like one you have been dating and is now pushing your boundaries. Fire it right now. Don't ever look back.
2. This is all a side effect of raising weak soft men. But that's another story. You are just cannon fodder for all this BS. 
3. Don't fold to any of it's demands. Call it by it's biological distinction. Fuck it's feelings. It does not care one rip about you right now. It is feeding on your weakness. The more you fold the stronger it gets. Name one good thing for concessions to bullies. There ain't one. It wants to bully you with it's new found wokeness. It will come at you with the "tyranny of the minority" guaranteed. It will scream and throw the typical insults at you calling you every name in the book. Don't listen. Why would you ever listen to someone's opinion of you who lied to you for years?
4. Hire a lawyer and file for divorce. Move on with your life. It sucks but at least you walk away with your integrity intact. 

Just for fun search the internet for the Navy Seal who "transition" then de-"transitioned" and is now speaking out about how stupid he was. This is their fate. They live a lie and guess what, you never have to be a part of it anymore.
 

 

February 2, 2023 4:57 pm  #9


Re: I’m new..why does this hurt so bad and why am I so damn confused?

JKvali wrote:

Marianne wrote:

JKvali: I hear you. More or less the same happened to me.

I still love the man I married but he made it clear that the "man" was just a mask, he is dead, he was never real. I hate the new person, the impostor. We are no longer together. When he asked me to call him by his fake female name, I just said no. I'm not doing that. If it makes him happy, he can live any way he likes, but it's not my duty to be his cheerleader if the cost would be my own sanity.

I'm sorry if I got too emotional over this. It happened one year ago and the anniversary is bringing it all back. I just wanted to say: I know what it's like. It's grossly unfair. It's awfully painful. A nuke to your face. A complete brainfuck.

But you can survive this and heal. 

Marianne, I get your emotions, I have some of the same. I hate when she calls her old name her dead name. She doesn’t realize that person was my best friend. I want her to be happy. I want her to be free to be who she is but I want her to remember that I am here and that I have valid emotions and concerns. I didn’t get a vote.

I so understand this. My ex asked our adult kid once, did I kill "dead name"? And to me, yeah, they did. The person I married, the funny,  gentle, loving person (not without flaws, but still a good husband that I loved so much) is gone, replaced by a amazingly self-centered, angry, unhappy person, who rages at drivers or kids or even animals who don't please them, and is so into trans promotion, it feels like they're brainwashed. They left the church, because the pastor wouldn't let them preach about trans more than a couple times a year. That wasn't enough. I just don't get it, because if this is finding herself, was all the love and shared life fake? It didn't feel fake to me. 
 

 

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