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December 5, 2022 4:08 pm  #1

Help to heal our marriage STR8 Spouse + BH

I just posted my story in the story forum https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=3185

I’m looking for advice to help me heal from grief and work together with my husband on a honest, monogamous and successful marriage after disclosure of infidelity and bisexuality in what I thought was a heterosexual, monogamous marriage. I love my husband, I want to make it work, he says he wants to make it work… I accept him but I’m struggling to get passed the lies and cheating. It’s as if I don’t know who he, my best friend and father of my children is. My world is upside down. Any folks with advice on healing, building trust and repair? What steps did you take? I am so lost and could use a friend who has experienced this.

I’m in therapy, he’s in therapy, we are in MC.. I’m still reeling after months of trickle truth and betrayal.. my mind is a mushy pile of exhaustion and the tears..oh the tears…one day at a time, I know..but it’s killing me and I’m not getting much from marriage counseling in terms of guidance and what it looks like to move forward.

Last edited by phoenix_rising (December 5, 2022 4:08 pm)


December 5, 2022 7:50 pm  #2

Re: Help to heal our marriage STR8 Spouse + BH

I wish I could give you advice. There are a few posts out there of mixed orientation marriages that worked - but from personal observation those couples did not have infidelity and both partners were fully invested in making it work. And even then, it was still hard.

My ex came out as "bi" several years ago. Complete slap in the face. I had absolutely no idea. He too assured me I was the only one for him, he just wanted me to know, it meant nothing, he was committed and wanted to stay married. I was on the verge of leaving....and there was no infidelity. For me, it was the lying about it for years.

But I stayed. He begged me to stay. All the "I can't live without you". I listened to all the "I love you" and "I only want you" and yadda yadda. I believed him. It took me close to two years to trust him again. But I did. I changed so much about myself. I did all the counselling. The talking. Planning the future. And, after the grueling tortuous experience that that all was....I was finally happy again. I did not realize just how screwed up I was.

What did he do? He used those years to lie to me, gas light me, manipulate me. Basically, he took that time to figure out what he wanted. Decided he was gay, not bi. Detached from the relationship. And he went through all this without saying a thing to me. There was no discussion, no concerns brought up. To the bitter end he lied to my face.

Then he sat down beside me on a Saturday, looked at me and said "I'm gay, I'm divorcing you". He was not open to any discussion on the matter. There was no compromising. Hell, there wasn't even time to begin to absorb what the hell just happened before he had moved out. Over the next few days he proceeded to tell me that he wasn't in love with me anymore. He saw me as no more than a friend. He had 0 attraction to me. He wanted to have an intimate relationship with a man. He wanted to find true love. I felt like he was just repeatedly sucker punching me in the face.

We had been together/married for 18 years. So, now I'm alone. He drained the joint account to pay for a new apartment and move etc. I am now responsible for all the bills that we used to pay together so I work an insane amount of hours a week. And I'm left with the "mind fuck" that he left behind. And now I have to go through the divorce process.

So, what I learned from all this is.....you do you, first and foremost. Take a step back from the relationship and take the time to figure out what YOU want. Separate from him. Do you want to be with someone who cheated on you repeatedly? How do you feel about the trust level in your relationship? How do you rate his level of involvement?

So, I admit I am skeptical about these relationships working but if you want to give it a try....make sure you look out for yourself (and your kids).


December 5, 2022 10:18 pm  #3

Re: Help to heal our marriage STR8 Spouse + BH

Phoenix....welcome to our Forum.

My partner (bisexual) and I have been together 38 years. Still together, I'm 64, and it suits me to stay with him for financial reasons. There is no intimacy. I knew he was bisexual....thought we could handle it, get through it but the lack of trust in him was bigger than my need to forget that he fantasises about men. 
I no longer romantically love him which makes it easier to stay. 
Yes I have compromised. Yes I have settled. Yes some days I am more resentful than others. I am surviving.

You Phoenix have to concentrate on you at this time, not your husband.

Do you have people you can talk to/a counselor just for you/a good friend to confide in?



KIA KAHA                       

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