I’m a STR8 F spouse married to my husband, who recently came out as bisexual. We met in college, married for almost 18 years, and have a few kids. This year has been an absolutely gut-wrenching year for me. I am looking for support as I rebuild, try to recover from my trauma, heal myself, and work together with my husband to save our marriage (I hope truly that we can, but I feel so lost, disoriented, and alone as I try to get through each day.)

Here’s my story:

This past year, I discovered that my husband was on an adultery website for discreet affairs – he says nothing physical happened. Still, he was seeking sex outside of our marriage with a female and was caught sending compromising pictures to this person. After this, there was a lot of denying that he would ever be able to go through with cheating on me, that he has NEVER cheated on me, that I’m “his person,” that he was feeling unloved and felt like he wasn’t a priority (little sex), so he was trying to feel desired, play around and see what was out there, etc.

I was beyond devastated because I had always trusted him. I told him he needed to get an STD test immediately and go to a therapist to come to terms with WHY he did what he did, and then once he was in counseling for a bit, we would go to marriage counseling together.

He got the STD test immediately (although he questioned why I was asking for this if he hadn’t done anything.) He agreed to go to therapy for himself but dragged his feet for over a month to get into counseling and even longer to address with his therapist WHY he was there in the first place.

So, a month or two into his individual therapy, he tells me that he is bisexual - that he had had some experiences with men only before he met me (which he never disclosed to me before or during our marriage up to this point.) He also indicated that he had experienced childhood sexual abuse from an older boy in the neighborhood when he was growing up that had never been addressed and that he was working through.

I was open and understanding with the information he shared with me (a little disappointed that he did not tell me sooner or feel the need, to be honest with me after being my partner for so long). I told him I loved him and thought we’d get through all of this somehow.

In the days that followed the disclosure of his bisexuality, he had nothing more to say about the matter and walked around with a new-found spunk in his step - happy as a clam. On the other hand, I was still reeling from grief due to the initial indiscretion PLUS the new information that my husband was bisexual (trying to wrap my brain around what that meant for us and me.)

After a few days of reeling, I came back to ask him what his intention was with sharing the information that he was bisexual because I was struggling with what that truly meant for us and that since sharing the information with me, he’s had nothing else to say. He said he just wanted me to know because it was something he had hidden for so long, and was so freeing to finally get it off his chest.

I told him I was worried about what this meant - that I did not want to share him intimately with a woman or a man – that monogamy was what I signed up for. I also told him we needed to start couples therapy immediately and that it was on his plate to set up. After that, there was almost a month of dragging his feet on couple’s therapy.

Once in couples therapy, I told him that if we were going to rebuild and stay together, he should get ANYTHING else out into the open that needed to be shared - that if I found out anything that he did not disclose, this would be the end of us. He said there was nothing more - my bat senses were still tingling though – something didn’t feel right, and I did something that I’ve never done before…I went through his text messages.

In texts to his best friend, I found not only information about the initial discretion (the friend encouraging my husband to seek out an affair and my husband sending him pictures from the site) but also my husband saying to his friend that he never cheated on me (WITH A WOMAN).

That was the icing on the “ultimate betrayal cake.” He lied to my face when I begged him to tell me the truth – so I could believe in building our trust together. 

I confronted him, and he denied it – after a day, he admitted that he had one encounter with a male on a business trip where he went to a gay sex club and had an interlude with a guy he met there.

The ground beneath me sank once more – I had never felt such deep agonizing pain and despair UNTIL we got to our weekly couples therapy, and he said that he had TWO MORE encounters he set up through Craigslist several years ago. In all of these instances of infidelity, he did not practice safe sex or do any follow-up to ensure his safety from STDs and mine. I really have no way of knowing if what he’s said is  the total truth or not, and it kills me. He says he wants me and only me and that we’ll work through this together.

I love him so much; he has wounded me so profoundly through his betrayal and lies. I hope we can heal our marriage, but I am now lost in the seas of grief – trying to pull myself out and understand what lies ahead of me. Seeing I am not alone means so much.

Last edited by phoenix_rising (December 5, 2022 4:21 pm)