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August 22, 2022 2:42 pm  #2011


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hello. After 39 years of marriage, I have recently found my husband's gay porn sites and that he has been unfaithful with men. I am being gaslighted. I have been reading posts and feel very conflicted. Here is a summary of our life:
*I have felt loved and fulfilled sexually as his wife until recently.
*Often in our marriage he has been irritable and did not handle anger well. I attributed this to his growing up as adult child in alcoholic home other sad family issues. I thought he had long standing depression from those issues, and he always denied this.
*We have had sex very little in the last 4 years. I thought this was due to increasing depression and his ED. My questioning him about this led to sex with him having poor erection. He has refused to go to MD about this. I also have female issues which has not helped. He has tried to bring sexual toys into the equation.
*In the last four years he has become more isolated and depressed which he denied. His increasing depression seems to correspond to the length of time he has been on porn sites. He finally admitted to meeting two men for sex in 2019. There probably are other occasions which he has not admitted to.
*He vehemently denies being gay. He does not like to use the word bisexual and states he would NEVER EVER admit to being gay. This is due to social stigmas. He will state he is attracted to women 70% and men 30%. He says he loves me very much; he wants to wake up next to a woman (me) and not a man and did not find sex with men satisfying. Even after my first seeing a text photo and confronting him, he continued to go to the porn site until I found the site.  
*We are seeing separate counselors. When he was discovered, he has felt some relief while I have just begun my journey. I am still angry and seeking help. He thinks I should be over this already and not expecting an apology every day. Last week he for the second time in his depression started spiraling down and he wanted to get drunk, talked of taking his life, and the whole poor pitiful him talk. I left our home. 
Can I believe anything he says? Since, he has agreed to continue mental health help from psychologist and sexual therapist, states he sees his errors in his response to my healing, is desperate to try again to have a monogamous relationship, negotiate a better marriage, only watch porn with me to spice up our sex life. At this point I feel I am dealing with a closeted gay or bisexual who will not admit this. He is not going to admit this now. Should I go back to him to see if we can renegotiate a mutually satisfactory marriage? What will be the signs that he is truly gay? Are there bisexual men who can have a fulfilling like with women? This is a very difficult situation and it is hard to discuss with most people.

 

August 23, 2022 12:09 am  #2012


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you everyone for posting. In reply: 

Meredith wrote:

1. Hi Sean, I reached out a few months back regarding my possibly gay boyfriend. I just wanted to thank you for all of your advice as I took it to heart. I kicked him out and somehow out of nowhere I met a man who is everything he wasn’t, and is nothing that he was.

So happy for you Meredith. 

2. I’m happy I got out and I have no regrets. For anyone else out there wondering if you should stay or go, please leave. If the question is sitting there in your head you will never get rid of it.

Truth. Sometimes we don't realize how smoky our houses and lives were until we get outside and breathe fresh air. 

3. I can only hope my ex decides that one day he won’t live in a shadow any longer. I wrote him a letter and let him know that I will always be there to support him even if he does come out one day. Everyone deserves to love and be loved in the way that feels right for them and I truly feel for him being he has to hide is true identity.

That's very kind of you. 

4. Thank you all for your support - this group was the only thing that kept me going because I didn’t feel so alone.

Thank you. 

Rose wrote: 

5. Meredith, me too - except it’s my husband of 30 years. Some good, but so much pain. Glad you aren’t going to have to walk that road. Sean, I figured it out. Well, my 17 year old daughter actually. I said he’s going to get so mad, you know what that is, right? And she said yes, it’s the internalized homophobia. She didn’t even have to think twice, just rolled off her tongue- let’s hear it for the new generation! 

Your daughter sounds wise beyond her years my friend. 

6. And yes - that is kind of the source of your your “radioactivity” I think? It’s the internalized homophobia.  Pride month and all, we still have a long way to go. Send us some good vibes, all of you, that we get to a safer place. All 4 of us, GIDH too.  Sending them back to you.

I reckon you'll start seeing things much more clearly when you move to your own place my friend. Please keep us posted. 

Searching wrote: 

7. Hello. After 39 years of marriage, I have recently found my husband's gay porn sites and that he has been unfaithful with men. I am being gaslighted. I have been reading posts and feel very conflicted.

So sorry you're here my friend but glad you are reaching out for support. Am I right to assume you two are both in your 70s at the moment? 

8. Here is a summary of our life: I have felt loved and fulfilled sexually as his wife until recently. Often in our marriage he has been irritable and did not handle anger well. I attributed this to his growing up as adult child in alcoholic home other sad family issues. I thought he had long standing depression from those issues, and he always denied this.

You use the term "recently" and then shared below you haven't had sex in the past four (4) years. I don't consider four (4) years to be recent...it's a lifetime. With regards to his family environment, I'd gage his framing of his childhood based on his honesty over the course of your relationship. Often gay-in-denial husbands paint themselves as victims to trap caring straight wives in toxic marriages and, worse, explain away their own abusive behaviours.

9. We have had sex very little in the last 4 years. I thought this was due to increasing depression and his ED. My questioning him about this led to sex with him having poor erection. He has refused to go to MD about this. I also have female issues which has not helped. He has tried to bring sexual toys into the equation.

In my opinion, a lack of sex/intimacy is the biggest red flag in gay/straight relationships. This is something I discussed in two recent podcast interviews with Our Path. 

10. In the last four years he has become more isolated and depressed which he denied. His increasing depression seems to correspond to the length of time he has been on porn sites.

I am assuming "gay" porn sites but please feel free to clarify. I disagree with the above statement because I am a former porn addict. My isolation and depression came from being closeted, not from surfing gay porn sites.  

11. He finally admitted to meeting two men for sex in 2019. There probably are other occasions which he has not admitted to.

I agree! Cheating is like an iceberg, 9/10ths remains under water. Based on my own personal experience and also based on my time posting here, he's probably been doing much more than just surfing porn these past four years. 

12. He vehemently denies being gay. He does not like to use the word bisexual and states he would NEVER EVER admit to being gay.

And yet he's watching gay porn, having sex with men, and no longer has sex with you. If he's 65+ and from a religious background, it's very hard for men of a certain age to accept their own homosexuality because that generation only heard that gay men were pedophiles, deviants, and mentally deranged perverts. As I discuss below, for men of a certain age "gay" is just too triggering a term for them to self-define that way. 

13. This is due to social stigmas. He will state he is attracted to women 70% and men 30%.

He's the worst judge of his own sexuality...which is why he's been hiding all of this from you for years. Moreover, I believe that 100% of his porn history and sexual habits appear to be gay but please confirm. 

14. He says he loves me very much; he wants to wake up next to a woman (me) and not a man and did not find sex with men satisfying. Even after my first seeing a text photo and confronting him, he continued to go to the porn site until I found the site.  

This is called cognitive dissonance. I don't define sexual neglect nor cheating as "love." 

15. We are seeing separate counselors. When he was discovered, he has felt some relief while I have just begun my journey. I am still angry and seeking help. He thinks I should be over this already and not expecting an apology every day. Last week he for the second time in his depression started spiraling down and he wanted to get drunk, talked of taking his life, and the whole poor pitiful him talk. I left our home. 

Leaving a toxic home environment is/was totally acceptable. You have to protect yourself and I applaud you for seeing separate counsellors. Quite often the husband and wife will attempt couples counselling, which rarely works. 

16. Can I believe anything he says?

Not when it comes to explaining away his homosexuality, no. If he's anything like me, he likely knew he was gay around age 5 or 6 so he has decades of experience hiding, distracting, and lying about his attraction to men. He's not a bad person, he's just scared of coming out and losing everything (including you). If I'm reading your post correctly, your husband watches gay porn, has sex with men, and no longer has sex with women (like his wife). Here are some questions that may help you both pierce through his lifelong denial: 

Q1: Were you bullied in school for being gay? This is common among closeted young boys. 
Q2: How do you define gay? If he uses negative terms like feminine, sexually deviant, perverted etc. of course he can't define himself this way. 
Q3: How should I interpret all of this: you watching gay porn and having sex with men while no longer having sex with me? If he struggles with this question ask it this way: "If our daughter had a husband like you and doing exactly what you're doing, what would you advise her to do?" 
Q4: Do you think two men can love each other? If he says "no", then he's incapable of defining himself as gay.    
 
17. Since, he has agreed to continue mental health help from psychologist and sexual therapist, states he sees his errors in his response to my healing, is desperate to try again to have a monogamous relationship, negotiate a better marriage, only watch porn with me to spice up our sex life.

Following conflict, most relationships have a honeymoon phase, meaning a time when he's on his best behaviour. So what does this mean? For the next 2-3 months, he'll romance you, try to have Viagra-fuelled sex with you, and play the role of a straight husband. If he's truly gay-in-denial, he'll do everything but have penis-in-vagina sex with you because gay men just can't. Sadly, the honeymoon rarely lasts more than 8-12 weeks.  

18. At this point I feel I am dealing with a closeted gay or bisexual who will not admit this. He is not going to admit this now.

While I don't have a lot of information, the facts strongly suggest your husband is not straight. 

19. Should I go back to him to see if we can renegotiate a mutually satisfactory marriage?

You can certainly try. BUT I reckon the better tactic is for you to write down exactly what YOU want in a husband, without negotiating with him. I often refer to this as a "help wanted" add for your life partner. List everything you need in a husband and post it somewhere you can read it every day. 

20. What will be the signs that he is truly gay?

- Watching gay porn.
- Cheating on you with men. 
- No longer having sex with you (his wife). 
- Blaming his sexual dysfunction on everything but his own sexuality: namely you, his childhood, get ready for a "I was abused" narrative etc. 

21. Are there bisexual men who can have a fulfilling life with women?

Yes. HOWEVER I believe your problems go beyond just his sexuality...something you should perhaps discuss with your counsellor. If you define a husband as someone who is honest, loving, kind, sober, and faithful, he appears to be failing on all counts. Don't let these questions about his sexuality distract from the person he has become. 

22. This is a very difficult situation and it is hard to discuss with most people. 

I'm so very sorry you're suffering and would recommend you read this forum's first aid kit, reach out to "Our Path" via telephone for support, and continue individual counselling. I'd also suggest you start your own thread here and post regularly so that that kind members here can provide love/support. You are not alone! 

Be well. 

Last edited by Sean01 (August 23, 2022 4:08 am)

 

September 19, 2022 3:40 pm  #2013


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Sean!

I just thought I should let you know that I gave you a shout out in my post in the Support section entitled, "You are Mighty." I have received so much validation about my experience based on your replies to me and to countless others. I've still never made it through all your posts. Your words have been very helpful. You've done a similiar thing that I am trying to do with the lemons in my life; you've made lemonade. You've taken bad experiences and helped others.  Thank you for being so brave and for sharing.

Peace

 

September 21, 2022 10:57 am  #2014


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for posting MyExodus...but please keep in mind that I'm no saint. I sexually neglected and verbally abused my (then) wife before coming out, separating, and divorcing. Looking over our previous exchanges, I have some follow up questions, namely: 

1. Your children:  

a. Has dad (your future ex-husband) come out to the kids? I remember that your daughter asked dad point-blank, "Are you gay?" and he lied.
b. How are your kids handling the news of separation/divorce? 
c. Did your daughter share that she'd caught dad in the act: either on porn or sexting with men? 

2. Your future ex-husband: has he now come out as gay/bisexual to friends and family? 

3. You: based on your experience, what would you say to a straight spouse who is now committed to "making it work" with a non-straight husband? 

Please only answer if you want to my friend. Be well. 

 

October 2, 2022 5:08 pm  #2015


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Sean. My husband and I have been married for 32 years. Been together for 37 years. A little over a year ago, I discovered that my husband was on Grindr and had been meeting men to recieve blow jobs for at least 4 years. It appears that the infidelity started at least 10 years ago while he was crossdressing. At the time, he was dressing in lingerie and posting on Craigslist, with hopes of getting attention for his pics (his explanation). From what I can prove, at that time, he met with men (at least 2), tried on lingerie and had “light play”- his words. I have pics to prove that there were penises rubbing together at least. What went on between then and 4 years ago is unknown. 

When Craigslist stopped allowing personal ads, he headed over to Grindr. His explanation was that he just wanted blowjobs and read an article that some straight men were seeking blow jobs from gay men that enjoy giving blow jobs. I think that is BS. He also told me that he didn’t want to mess around with women, because there was a higher chance of being caught or having drama. He had a “Daddy” account and was very clear in his profile about what he wanted. He wanted blow jobs. I have about 250 screenshots of Grindr chats where he basically said this, along with some pretty disgusting dialogue. 

 Along with meeting men for blow jobs- at least 50 times in 4 years, he continued his love for crossdressing. He insists that these are two separate things. I also found his fetlife account. He viewed many crossdressing and trans women’s accounts with pictures and videos. He “loved” hundred of trans pictures. He also had his own Crossdressing persona. He was into cages and sounding, and I also have those pictures. In his account, he stated how crossdressing was transformational, but when he discovered sounding, he found something that could reach places in himself that he never imagined and therefore took him to a place where he could serve. Wtf!! 

 I will add that during his Grindr blowjob phase of the last 4 years, he didn’t touch me or approach me for sex. No sex in 3 plus years for us. I believe that he needed to vilify me and justify his thinking that it was “just a blow job”. I also believe that he got off on being a daddy and having younger men worship him. Have I mentioned that he took at test at the therapists that said he is a narcissist? I will also add that he had 2 encounters with a 19 year old boy, that apparently had some pretty good skills. This, in itself, makes me so disgusted with him that I just about can’t see straight.  

So, there’s more that I could talk about here. When he was discovered, he said, he just wanted a blow job. And a blow job is from start to finish. No oral and then vaginal sex. He wanted the full blow job, and apparently I don’t do that well enough. He told one guy that he wouldn’t be on Grindr if he didn’t get it at home. He told this guy that just about everyone is better than me, men and women.  

Needless to say, I am extremely traumatized. The images that I have collected of him, which he valued so much that he had to save them in a secret folder in his phone, are haunting. He says he’s not gay. He’s not attracted to men. He wants to be married to me, not a man. He wants our life. He wants our family. He doesn’t want men. He just loves blow jobs so damn much and according to the therapist, my husband told him that those blowjobs were “incredible”. 

 Initially after I found out, we began having sex again. He was affectionate. I felt like I had something to prove. I think he was scared. I was scared. Those days are long gone. I can’t imagine having sex with him ever again. I am a very forgiving person. I’ve told him many times, I’m waiting for him to say certain things. Some are: “I can’t believe I ever had sexual relations with a man!” “What was I thinking?” He can’t do it, even if it means losing me.

 We have a therapist that has been seeing mostly me. Everything the therapist has said has been true. I don’t think my husband really thinks he did much wrong. It wasn’t like it was with a woman, right? He has barely been to see the therapist, maybe 5 or 6 times on his own and I’ve had to beg him. I told him a week ago that if I don’t see a remarkable effort on his part to fix what ever is so unbelievably wrong with him, that I am leaving and I fully intend to honor this. He has a month.  

Why am I still living in the same house with him? We are not in the same bed. Part of the reason that I’m still here is financial. If I leave, I will most certainly not come out on top in the divorce. He’s the main breadwinner. I will probably have to fold my business and take some menial job just to have insurance.

  So, what is my problem? I realize the situation that I find myself in is so messed up. Like I told my therapist, I can leave at any time. I can blow up his life at any time. I have more than enough evidence to out him to everyone, including our 3 young adult children. He doesn’t want that at all, of course.

  What am I struggling with? Why am I still here? Based on what he’s done- the lies, the gaslighting, the deceit, that was ongoing for years- I know that I could easily leave this marriage and no one would blame me. I’ve got to know. How does a self proclaimed straight man become sexually involved with men? What is he? Gay? Bi? As far as I know, a straight man doesn’t seek men for sexual favors. Does a straight man get horny talking and planning sexual encounters with men? He says it was kinky. I’ve talked a lot with my therapist about a mans arousal template. It’s obvious that men are now a part of his arousal templete. I feel so unbelievably rejected by the person that I picked to be my person. It’s heartbreaking.

  One thing I do know, what he has done is abusive. The fact that I am dealing with this subject matter at all, is abusive. Now is the time in my life that I should be enjoying my husband. We are no longer raising kids. We aren’t financially strapped like in years past.  
Ive spent a year running in circles. Nothing works. I cry. I scream. I feel like he is in denial, yet won’t humble himself. I’m so lost.

Last edited by Blue769 (October 2, 2022 5:16 pm)

 

October 3, 2022 6:40 am  #2016


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

I am so sorry. I agree with you. A straight man does not want any sexual activity with any man. It is not normal. I do understand your money situation. I hope that you can find a way to distance yourself from him. I am holding a good thought for you.

 

October 3, 2022 10:57 am  #2017


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for writing Gloria and Blue. In reply to Blue's post, I'd suggest listening to a recent podcast/interview with "Our Path" during which I address a lot of the questions you've asked. Here is the link: 

https://ourpath.org/ourpath_podcast/s5-ep-5-a-former-closeted-narcissist-in-recovery-answers-your-questions.

And now in response to your post:

1. Hi Sean. My husband and I have been married for 32 years. Been together for 37 years. A little over a year ago, I discovered that my husband was on Grindr and had been meeting men to recieve blow jobs for at least 4 years. It appears that the infidelity started at least 10 years ago while he was crossdressing. At the time, he was dressing in lingerie and posting on Craigslist, with hopes of getting attention for his pics (his explanation). From what I can prove, at that time, he met with men (at least 2), tried on lingerie and had “light play”- his words. I have pics to prove that there were penises rubbing together at least. What went on between then and 4 years ago is unknown. 

I'm so very sorry that you've found yourself in this situation. You deserve better than a cheating, lying, and abusive husband. 

2. When Craigslist stopped allowing personal ads, he headed over to Grindr. His explanation was that he just wanted blowjobs and read an article that some straight men were seeking blow jobs from gay men that enjoy giving blow jobs. I think that is BS.

I agree that it's bullsh*t. 

3. He also told me that he didn’t want to mess around with women, because there was a higher chance of being caught or having drama.

Lie. 

4. He had a “Daddy” account and was very clear in his profile about what he wanted. He wanted blow jobs. I have about 250 screenshots of Grindr chats where he basically said this, along with some pretty disgusting dialogue. 

Cheaters always try to rationalize their lies/cheating...like saying "It was just blowjobs." It's just more bullsh*t and a distraction. But facts and photos don't lie my friend: your pathologically dishonest husband has been cheating on you with men, and hiding it, for years. He also no longer has sex with you, has lied to you, and cross dresses. You deserve better. 

5. Along with meeting men for blow jobs- at least 50 times in 4 years...

You seem to be parroting his focus on blowjobs, rather than the cheating/infidelity. I believe he is trying to distract you...or perhaps gaslight you. There is a common misconception among deeply closeted men, and particularly among deeply closeted religious men, that refusing to kiss other men and only receiving oral sex (or blowjobs as he says) means he's not gay. This is false because he's still engaging in sex WITH MEN. For me personally, his behaviour - gaslighting, minimization, and blame shifting - suggests you're in an abusive relationship. Cheating is cheating my friend. Cheating is also like an iceberg, meaning 9/10ths remains under water. What's my point? Few closeted men have just one application/profile and sex rarely just stops at the blowjob stage. So there is a good chance he's not only using Grindr, but also Hornet, Scruff etc. So I would take any number he throws at you then multiply by 9. I think we can also safely assume he's also having both oral and anal sex with these men, particularly younger men based on what you shared below. 

6. ...he continued his love for crossdressing. He insists that these are two separate things. I also found his fetlife account. He viewed many crossdressing and trans women’s accounts with pictures and videos. He “loved” hundred of trans pictures. He also had his own Crossdressing persona. He was into cages and sounding, and I also have those pictures. In his account, he stated how crossdressing was transformational, but when he discovered sounding, he found something that could reach places in himself that he never imagined and therefore took him to a place where he could serve. Wtf!! 

That's a lot. I can't speak to the crossdressing as I've never done it myself. Perhaps a member named Outofhiscloset (or "OOHC") can help with that. With regards to his kinks, something tells me he's doing more than just swapping blowjobs my friend as sounding suggests a level of sexual exploration that goes far beyond just oral. And why take his word for it? Clearly he's comfortable lying/hiding so of course he's capable of lying about having anal sex with these men as well. 

7. I will add that during his Grindr blowjob phase of the last 4 years...

Correction: during his "cheating" phase...and likely not just a phase as the term "phase" suggests a beginning then end. Your husband is a cheating, closeted, crossdresser. This isn't a phase. It's who he is and will likely be for the remainder of your relationship. Is this who you want as a partner? I hope that doesn't sting too much my friend. 

8. ...he didn’t touch me or approach me for sex. No sex in 3 plus years for us. I believe that he needed to vilify me and justify his thinking that it was “just a blow job”. I also believe that he got off on being a daddy and having younger men worship him. Have I mentioned that he took at test at the therapists that said he is a narcissist?

Narcissism: wow he's the whole package isn't he? Based on my own experience and based on the many exchanges I've had with straight spouses here, I reckon he started having anal sex when he stopped having sex with you. Closeted men do this for two reasons: first, they can no longer "pretend" they are interested in sex with women once they've experienced gay sex; and second, they don't want to take the risk of giving unsuspecting straight wives STDs/STIs. 

9. I will also add that he had 2 encounters with a 19 year old boy, that apparently had some pretty good skills. This, in itself, makes me so disgusted with him that I just about can’t see straight.  

Again, you're minimizing here. He didn't have "encounters" with a 19 year old gay man. He cheated on you and had gay sex with a 19 year old.

10. So, there’s more that I could talk about here. When he was discovered, he said, he just wanted a blow job. And a blow job is from start to finish. No oral and then vaginal sex. He wanted the full blow job, and apparently I don’t do that well enough. He told one guy that he wouldn’t be on Grindr if he didn’t get it at home. He told this guy that just about everyone is better than me, men and women.  

I think we can safely assume that over the past 10 years, he's gone far beyond just blow jobs but to do more would make him "gay" in his mind. As for the "I'm not getting it at home" excuse, this is a blame shift and it's complete horsesh*t. He's on Grindr, a gay sex app by the way, desperately trying to justify he's straight. It's bullsh*t. None of this is your fault my friend. Men seek out sex with other men because they're attracted to men. The common factor in his cheating is that he's always cheating with men...likely because he's not straight. If he's no longer having sex with you (his wife), no longer has sex with women, and now only has sex with men, this strongly suggests he's gay.   

11. Needless to say, I am extremely traumatized. The images that I have collected of him, which he valued so much that he had to save them in a secret folder in his phone, are haunting. He says he’s not gay. He’s not attracted to men. He wants to be married to me, not a man. He wants our life. He wants our family. He doesn’t want men. He just loves blow jobs so damn much and according to the therapist, my husband told him that those blowjobs were “incredible”. 

I'm so sorry for your trauma my friend. With regards to his excuses, I call this "sexually gay and yet emotionally straight." I'm assuming you're both 60+ years old so he's likely of a generation where he simply can't be gay in his mind because he sees being gay as perverted or disordered. But the photos, messages, and cheating history don't lie: he's having sex with men while no longer having sex with you. For me personally, that spells G-A-Y.  

12. Initially after I found out, we began having sex again. He was affectionate. I felt like I had something to prove. I think he was scared. I was scared. Those days are long gone. I can’t imagine having sex with him ever again. I am a very forgiving person. I’ve told him many times, I’m waiting for him to say certain things. Some are: “I can’t believe I ever had sexual relations with a man!” “What was I thinking?” He can’t do it, even if it means losing me.

A "honeymoon" phase after discovery/conflict is quite common. The closeted husband almost has to prove he's straight...to both himself and his wife. And this means having Viagra-fuelled sex with his long-neglected wife, often more sex than they've had their entire marriage. But it rarely lasts more than a few months, which I believe was your experience but please feel free to share more. 

13. We have a therapist that has been seeing mostly me. Everything the therapist has said has been true. I don’t think my husband really thinks he did much wrong. It wasn’t like it was with a woman, right? He has barely been to see the therapist, maybe 5 or 6 times on his own and I’ve had to beg him. I told him a week ago that if I don’t see a remarkable effort on his part to fix what ever is so unbelievably wrong with him, that I am leaving and I fully intend to honor this. He has a month.  

I reckon he doesn't see the need to meet with a therapist because he doesn't believe he's doing anything wrong. So what happens at the end of your deadline?  

14. Why am I still living in the same house with him? We are not in the same bed. Part of the reason that I’m still here is financial. If I leave, I will most certainly not come out on top in the divorce. He’s the main breadwinner. I will probably have to fold my business and take some menial job just to have insurance.

I'm starting to understand the financial barriers keeping many straight spouses trapped in their toxic marriages. Decoupling after decades of living together is hard, particularly when children are involved. 

15. So, what is my problem? I realize the situation that I find myself in is so messed up. Like I told my therapist, I can leave at any time. I can blow up his life at any time. I have more than enough evidence to out him to everyone, including our 3 young adult children. He doesn’t want that at all, of course.

There is a very good chance your tech-savvy kids already know dad's secrets.  

16. What am I struggling with? Why am I still here? Based on what he’s done- the lies, the gaslighting, the deceit, that was ongoing for years- I know that I could easily leave this marriage and no one would blame me. I’ve got to know. How does a self proclaimed straight man become sexually involved with men? What is he? Gay? Bi? As far as I know, a straight man doesn’t seek men for sexual favors. Does a straight man get horny talking and planning sexual encounters with men? He says it was kinky. I’ve talked a lot with my therapist about a mans arousal template. It’s obvious that men are now a part of his arousal templete. I feel so unbelievably rejected by the person that I picked to be my person. It’s heartbreaking.

I understand the need to label his sexuality but that rarely helps in these situations, particularly in the face of a cheating/closeted husband who denies that he's gay. Given what you've shared, your husband is: 

- A narcissist
- Dishonest
- A cheater (with only men) 
- A crossdresser
- No longer has sex with you

The older the husband, the coming out process is longer, more painful, and poses many challenges. These questions may help both of you cut through his lifelong denial about his true sexuality, namely: 

- What are the qualities of a good husband and is he meeting any of them? 
- If our daughter (assuming you have a daughter) had a husband who acted like this, how would we define his sexuality? 
- And would we urge our daughter to separate/divorce? 

Questions for him (some from Dr. Joe Kort's book, "Is my husband gay, straight or bisexual?"): 

- Was he ever teased in school for being different/gay? 
- Was there a sexual disconnect from the beginning of your relationship? 
- When he's at the beach or watching television, does he look at the men or the women? 
- How does he define "gay"? (Most deeply closeted men will reply "pervert" or "pedophile".) 
- Can two men actually love each other? 
- What would he do if your roles were reversed: meaning you were having oral sex with women for the past 10 years while refusing to have sex with him? 

Questions for you as his wife:

- Are blowjobs also sex? 
- Would you have left him had he been cheating with as many women? 
- Does saying, "It was only oral sex between me and these women" justify and/or minimize the cheating? 
- If your best female friend came to you saying her husband was doing the exact same things, namely cross dressing while hooking up with men for over a decade, what would you advise her to do? 

17. One thing I do know, what he has done is abusive.

100% agree! 

18. The fact that I am dealing with this subject matter at all, is abusive. Now is the time in my life that I should be enjoying my husband. We are no longer raising kids. We aren’t financially strapped like in years past. Ive spent a year running in circles. Nothing works. I cry. I scream. I feel like he is in denial, yet won’t humble himself. I’m so lost.

I'm so sorry you're suffering friend. I wouldn't hold my breath for an apology. I'd suggest using the "First Aid Kit" available on this forum. I'd also suggest calling "Our Path" for support and perhaps reaching out to fellow member Outofhiscloset to discuss the crossdressing. You might also consider creating your own thread here and posting regularly to work through the shock/trauma. Based on what you've shared above, it sounds like your proverbial roof is on fire, yet your husband somehow can't acknowledge it. It's not that he's a bad person, he's just disordered/warped to the point that he can cheat on you with men and still consider himself straight. This is: "black is white, up is down, night is day" thinking in my opinion. I'd stop looking to this toxic man for honesty and empathy because he simply lacks the capacity for either. And given the cross dressing and long history of cheating, it's unlikely he'll ever be the loving, caring, and honest husband you deserve. Perhaps it's time to get out before everything collapses. Given your husband's many emotional/psychological problems, I fail to see a positive future outcome and am so very sorry for both you and your children.  

I hope that helps in some way. Please feel free to reply. 

Last edited by Sean01 (October 6, 2022 3:49 am)

 

October 8, 2022 7:58 am  #2018


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you soooo much, Sean, for replying. I’ve been out of town for the past several days. For some reason, I can’t reply on my phone. I have read everything you’ve written, and even the edits. I have much to talk about and I will get back with you soon. 

 

October 9, 2022 11:15 am  #2019


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

I’m 7 months pregnant and my fiancé swears he is bisexual and not gay so I’m having a hard time letting him go as I love him so much.

But how do I overcome the thought that he might change his mind once our baby is born. Is him saying he still loves me deep down a way to make me feel better to just calm me down as we are planning on living together for the first year in nee baby is born  or is that maybe the slightest chance that something could change.

No matter the orientation do you think once he sees his daughter his mind could change.

 

October 9, 2022 2:24 pm  #2020


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for writing JP. I have read your full story, posted here: OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » 7 months pregnant and feel like my world has been ripped away from me. (boardhost.com). I response to your post: 

1. I’m 7 months pregnant and my fiancé swears he is bisexual and not gay so I’m having a hard time letting him go as I love him so much. 

I'm so very sorry you've found yourself in this situation. For those who haven't read your full history, see above post, you also wrote: 

2. He’s [my fiancé's] been crying for 2 months cause he fell in love with another man...

He has made his wishes quite clear: he's in love with someone else and he wants to leave you and your unborn child. 

3. But how do I overcome the thought that he might change his mind once our baby is born.

He may choose to stay a while, however, the birth of your baby won't completely change his sexuality. Whether he leaves now or in a few years, he's clearly attracted to men and - his words - has fallen in love with another man. 

4. Is him saying he still loves me deep down a way to make me feel better to just calm me down as we are planning on living together for the first year in nee baby is born...

I don't think anyone would define "love" as lying, cheating, and annoucing to your pregnant fiancée: 

5. He kept repeating that I don’t deserve this as I’m such a good person and that he still loved me but not in love with me but loved me more than a friend.

It sounds very much like he's already come to a decision regarding your relationship.   

6. ...or is that maybe the slightest chance that something could change. No matter the orientation do you think once he sees his daughter his mind could change.

If by "change" you mean that he'll suddenly drop the boyfriend, marry you, and prove to be a stable husband/father, yes it's certainly possible but highly unlikely. While I'm not a mental health professional, this man doesn't appear to be emotionally stable nor does he appear to have the maturity to support a wife + baby. Moreover, his sexuality won't just miraculously change from bisexual to heterosexual once the baby is born. Similarly, you won't spontaneously become a lesbian following the baby's birth. So what should you do? I would consult with your friends, family and perhaps a lawyer to secure long-term child support for yourself and your baby. Clearly this man plans to leave at the end of your maternity leave so, while it's terribly painful, I would plan accordingly.

I hope that helps in some way my friend. Please feel free to reply and/or post additional questions. Be well. 

 

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