Onceuponatime,

I'm so sorry for you. It takes both spouses who go for it in a MOM, so don't blame yourself if you tried but the other won't. It's not within your power what he decides, and that's not your responsibility.
Even when someone makes wrong decisions in your opinion, it's still their decision. It's hard to let go and accept that, but it's the only thing you can do.

Dutchman,

Thank you for your reply. No worries if you don't get back to messages quickly. I am sure you have a lot going on as we all do. I have a few thoughts/questions, I would like to run past you. First I am in a better place mentally today, however I still woke up at 2 a.m. and can not sleep but I feel that will come with the territory for now. My wife and I had a decent night last night. We told he 17 year old son. That was helpful, he was very supportive and reassured that if it was him, he would do the same thing and work through this. He also told me (when my wife was putting the 3 year old to bed) "he thinks this will build a stronger relationship between my wife and I". In her life she has always been rejected by those who loved her when things were tough, including her father. For her she is not used to someone who will put up a fight to keep her, for me why on earth would I not because I value her so much and our family is wonderful. Anyways we had some drinks last night and she said "I wish I felt like this forever" I asked what she meant by that and she told me the feelings she has towards me when she is drinking. It is a wonderful feeling for me however this time I took it with a grain of salt because on Mon night is was similar when we had drinks together but then the next morning it was back to reality. So it is interesting to me that when she has alcohol she gets that attraction sexual back. Is this something you discovered too I know on your wife's post she mentioned having a glass on wine to fill your needs? Obviously drinking all the time is not an option but it does give me hope that deep down there is the desire for me and over time I can get it to come out sober. In the meantime I can just know that the times we do have drinks we will have a temporary connection. Does that make sense or am I just being crazy?

Another thing I would like to ask. Did you and your wife live like a normal married couple just knowing that there is something missing? If so was that right away? To elaborate, we got invited to a music fest, we have a little graduation party for a friend to go to this weekend. I assume we just go like there is nothing different and carry on with our lives but working through this? Obviously if she wants to open up to friends she can and I support her for it, it sounds like that is part of this process?

This is all so new to us and my head just keeps spinning. I did set up a sexual therapist appointment for next Tue. They were very open minded and had heard of MOM. The first one I called, you could almost hear in their voice "What are you crazy, this will never work". I need to get a therapist appointment for myself too. Also when this first came out on Sun, we had our marriage counseling on Mon morning. The direction the counselor was taking appeared to go into the realm of us splitting (that turned out to just be my fear) so I ended up walking out. However she did tell my wife that if she wanted to work through this she was there for us. So we will continue to see her. I think the hardest part is going to be communication for us. I am a communicator who asks a lot of questions. My wife is one that keeps it bottled up and you talked so much about communication being a big factor. That has been a push from the start with our counsellor before all this. I did follow your advice and told her one of my triggers was when she compares me to being a friend or her best friend. For me that is like the idea of when you got rejected and were told "I like you as a friend" or "can we just be friends". It stings when I hear it. Yes my wife is my "best friend" but she is more than that and she is that because she is my wife, outside of us being married we wouldn't be friends, we would be strangers or 2 people that know of each other. I can call her my best friend because of the connection we have had over the 8 years we have been together. She also told me to stop coming up and saying "can I ask you a question" and just ask the question. 

I might have rambled a bit and I am sure I am forgetting something but I am also very sleep deprived lol. Thank you again for everything.

P.S. you and your wife have some of the best English I have seen. We live in America, we have been butchering true English over here for many years

Some time ago, we were asked to write an (initial version of) "a first aid kit" for the MOM section. I tried several times, but got stuck, The situations of MOM's are so diverse. Yes, there are common themes: Real acceptance (most important), openess and  communication (also most important). Set your common goal and go for it as a team. Rebuilding trust and supporting each other as spouses. Finding the right kind of support (therapists that really align with the goal you both set). Choose your own way together, no matter what other people do or think.

But it feels too much like a clinical list, without the real life story where these aspects are applied and real people were going through these things. Next to that, it doesn't acknowledge the mere diversity of situations people could  find themselves in. 

When we were at the start of our journey, utterly confused and anxious, The most helpful to us would have been a possitive story of a couple that went in and through it. Yes, there will be differences in someones personal account of their path, and therefor some things will not be applicable. But there will certainly be several common features as well.
Next to that, it's hopeful just to read about other accounts than pain, missery and failure. Some marriages fail, but some succeed and bring about something better than it was before. So, the path is difficult but not doomed.

I think the "First aid kit" should be about stories of couples that made it. Let people, in very diverse situations and with their particular spouse, decide for themselves whether and how aspects of these stories could apply to them. Everyone has to puzzle their own (beautiful) picture they want to built with their spouse. It won't be the excact same picture as ours, but it's about fitting the pieces together and finding the image you both go for, that matters.

Having some examples, is a very important thing. That's "the first aid".

Hi JV42,

initialy we had a therapist who pressed on opening up the relation, presenting that option as more or less the only possible solution. We didn't want that.
We found another therapist that was confirming my wife's sexual orientation. Not trying to deny it, hide it or convert it, etc.
But she helped to put sexual orientation into a more "normalized perspective" instead of some "all defining leading attribute" that precribes someone what to think and do.
Key principle: Sexual orientation is something you have, not something you are.
This perspective helped us a lot, since then we approached our situation as something we (possibly) could deal with. This still was a complicated journey we had to find our path through. But this insight that therapist gave us was very valuable.

Accepting sexual orientation doesn't necessarily imply living it out. These are very diffent things. 
Sexual orientation is not a choice, "it happens" so to speak. But living it out, acting on it, definitely is a matter of choice.

In modern culture, the gay affirmative script says these things are one and the same. This is not true, and for sure a destructive way of thinking for a monogamous MOM. 
On the other side, the more conservative religious thinking, blocks acceptance of sexual orientation, by explicity or implicitly considering it as something that is wrong, has to be supressed, etc. This isn't helpful for a succesful MOM either. 

So I would recommend a therapist that has a balanced view. On one hand confirming sexual orientation and self acceptance, on the other hand confirming the ability to make choices (ie. not dictated by sexual orientation).

It's very much about freedom of independent thinking, and attributing meaning to the path one decides to go on (foremost motivated by love for each other in marriage).

We had the fortune to find a therapist that helped us on our way. (nearly 17 years ago in the Netherlands, so that's not much use to you). But maybe you can search for a therapist that follows the principles of logotherapy.
A couple of years ago I read the book "Man's search for meaning" by Viktor Frankl. I noted how much of it corresponded with things we had discovered and learned over the years. Victor Frankl developed "logotherapy" so it could be useful to find a therapist that works from that principle and has a balanced look on sexual orientation. 

Dutchman.

Thank you for the response Dutchman! I was looking through a website and noticed some comments regarding monogamous MOMs. There are some people that have experienced the gay+1 relation but there are some people that love their spouse and are monogamous but still experience struggles with missing out. I know that Samantha said that if the gay spouse is still experiencing these feelings that there needs to be more work done. What type of work needs to be done? Is it within the relationship or within the gay or straight spouse? Do you both still experience the missing feelings or have you fully worked through everything?