Yep, totally get it.  A lot of us have stories whose outlines are similar to yours: a secret life or secret struggle kept for years, then dropped on us like a bomb, followed by the plea to stay, assurances that they'll be open and communicate, we struggle, overcome reluctance, recommit, and then, bam! the second shoe/bomb drops.  At which point, our spouse is cold and unempathetic, takes no responsibility, or, worse, blame shifts. 

 Your reaction is normal.  Please post here, tell someone in your day to day life, talk to your doctor, and seek out a therapist with experience in trauma, because that's what you've suffered.

 Although I know you can't see past where you are right now, it will get better. 

Hi,

The thing that strikes me about your story is you tell this story of cheat and deceit, a stunning lack of care towards you let alone love and you end by saying you are still madly in love with him.

My story is a little different.  I was in love with my ex and followed him across the world from England to Australia and stuck by him through thick and thin but I didn't know about the cheat and deceit until I was in my 50's.  I fell out of love at that point.  It was the straw that broke the camel's back - I remember quite distinctly the feeling - no more love to give, he has used it all up.

But you are not alone, numbers of people telling their story here have said the same thing, both men and women.  Still in love with a spouse who clearly is not in love with them and never has been.

It's shocking isn't it.  It makes me question all that I trust.  While I was still divorcing I fell madly in love with a man who I had known for years and whose wife had just left him.  When she returned to him that was it.  Years have gone by and I cannot rid myself of the overpowering sense of being eternally in love with him.  Gives me the shits some days!  Other days it's like having a religious belief, it comforts me.

I was lucky in having a mother who loved me like crazy and her love and honesty still shine in my heart, otherwise I would lose all trust.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I am so glad I found this page...as most people I have talked to really have no idea what this is like. 

I have booked a counselling session. I also ended up taking a sick day from work today. I am just burnt out. Pretending to be normal, day in and day out, is exhausting. I worked 6 shifts last week in a high stress job and by the end...I came home from the last shift and sat on the floor in the kitchen with my dog and cried for an hour.

I feel like I am living in the twilight zone right now. At this point, we can't afford to separate and he is currently living in the basement. The plan is to get things sorted out so that he can at least move out, but it's going to take awhile.

I don't know if my situation is unique or not....but, the one thing I will say is that he feels like s**t. He's apologized over and over. And he sat down with me and walked through the whole thing and told me he's been a complete a**. He told me he was a coward and I deserved so much better. And a lot of other things. I do appreciate the honesty....even if it took this long to finally get him to tell the truth.

On one hand I am so unbelievably hurt and angry and so many mixed emotions. On the other hand I can see how flawed he truly is. And looking back on it, a lot makes sense. He is a very messed up individual and needs help. I told him I honestly don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him for this. Or what is going to happen in the future.

It's hard. Because it's impossible trying to connect the picture of the man I loved and grew up with, with the man before me now. It makes my brain short circuit.

Never in my life did I think I would end up in this situation. As I'm sure everyone else thought the same. 

I got married at 19 and have spent just shy of half my life with him. We grew up together. And now I just feel lost.

I wish there was a timeline for how long it takes for the pain to stop taking your breath away....

I got married at 23 and am 51 now. He realized he had gender dysphoria a year after our son was born.  We're still together but it's because I focused on our son.  You aren't alone.  I found this group last week and already am feeling like there is hope.

If I can tell you anything, it's that it's ok to not be ok. You aren't alone.  Talking to a therapist will help just to get it all out in the open.  Do you have anyone else that you can talk to who will support you?  I finally confided in 3 really close friends and it was a game changer for me to know that there were people walking in this mess with me (we jokingly call it my circle of disaster).  

Please do what you need to grieve.  Sick days, taking time away, crying as much or as little as you need.  But you aren't alone.

Sorry one more thing to add - exercise was a huge help to me, not just for my own sense of self but for the benefits.  I found a gym and a trainer and work out 3 times a week now but originally, I just walked with a friend.  It helped to be outside and to let my brain relax a little with my steps.  Find a podcast (the Our Voices has helped me a lot this weekend) or music or whatever helps you unwind.  But it was time for myself and I guard it because of how important it is for my own mental and physical well being.

Sending you a hug!!

Last edited by ldr10 (July 11, 2022 10:05 am)