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July 10, 2022 8:34 am  #1

Anyone in the same boat?

Hi Everyone!

I just posted a brief synopsis of my story and the pathetic last few years of my life. I am wondering if anyone has gone through something similar? I feel like I am in a living hell and my entire life has been turned upside down. I am really struggling to function right now. I can't take any time off work and it's been unbelievably hard. My job is high stress, literal life and death stuff....and to pretend to be "normal" all day is exhausting. Just looking to connect with others in a similar boat. Misery loves company I guess!


July 10, 2022 9:47 am  #2

Re: Anyone in the same boat?

Many of us have had this bomb dropped into our lives. I think having an outlet to discuss it is an important part of recovery. If possible, pursue a counselor, not in relationships but in emotional traumas. If that isn't possible, maybe there's a local group in your area? To find out, you'll have to contact Our Path via the main website. In the meantime, make a commitment to yourself. You deserve, and are worthy of, better treatment.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

July 10, 2022 11:25 am  #3

Re: Anyone in the same boat?

Yep, totally get it.  A lot of us have stories whose outlines are similar to yours: a secret life or secret struggle kept for years, then dropped on us like a bomb, followed by the plea to stay, assurances that they'll be open and communicate, we struggle, overcome reluctance, recommit, and then, bam! the second shoe/bomb drops.  At which point, our spouse is cold and unempathetic, takes no responsibility, or, worse, blame shifts. 

 Your reaction is normal.  Please post here, tell someone in your day to day life, talk to your doctor, and seek out a therapist with experience in trauma, because that's what you've suffered.

 Although I know you can't see past where you are right now, it will get better. 


July 10, 2022 3:24 pm  #4

Re: Anyone in the same boat?

I'm sorry you need to be here.
I've been through it (in different manners) twice. My 1st husband came out as gay when we had very young kids and we stayed together in an open marriage another 8 yrs because I had no skills to make money. I asked him to leave after I walked into the living room and found him having sex with his boyfriend. Our kids were 12 ft away asleep in their room but all it would have taken was if one had to use the bathroom for them to see it.
During and after that was a 20 yr soulmate relationship that ended in his passing. Now I am with my 2nd husband of 19 yrs who was always a Xdresser in private but during covid lock down decided he was gender fluid. Then he was gender dysphoric. He wanted to live as woman. Because of the type of sexual activity he prefers I asked if he was gay. He still says no, but isn't sure if he's fluid or dysphoric.
I'm disabled after caring for his mother for nearly 4 yrs made my underlying illness acute. I get ssdi but it's no where near enough to live on. Together we are able to get by and feel secure.
So I  may never be able to leave unless I become a burden on my kids. So we are by default in a MOM. It's nothing I ever wanted. We are essentially really loving roommates, or maybe it's a marriage of convenience to use an old term.
Both times I got the shock moment. I think the difference this time is I never let myself recommit and I never will. In fact even if we stay together divorce is on the table still.
One thing this old lady can tell you is that you did absolutely nothing to make this happen. People change. He was either still confused or a flat out coward during the in-between time. You did all you could to communicate and he just screwed you over emotionally.


July 10, 2022 6:23 pm  #5

Re: Anyone in the same boat?


The thing that strikes me about your story is you tell this story of cheat and deceit, a stunning lack of care towards you let alone love and you end by saying you are still madly in love with him.

My story is a little different.  I was in love with my ex and followed him across the world from England to Australia and stuck by him through thick and thin but I didn't know about the cheat and deceit until I was in my 50's.  I fell out of love at that point.  It was the straw that broke the camel's back - I remember quite distinctly the feeling - no more love to give, he has used it all up.

But you are not alone, numbers of people telling their story here have said the same thing, both men and women.  Still in love with a spouse who clearly is not in love with them and never has been.

It's shocking isn't it.  It makes me question all that I trust.  While I was still divorcing I fell madly in love with a man who I had known for years and whose wife had just left him.  When she returned to him that was it.  Years have gone by and I cannot rid myself of the overpowering sense of being eternally in love with him.  Gives me the shits some days!  Other days it's like having a religious belief, it comforts me.

I was lucky in having a mother who loved me like crazy and her love and honesty still shine in my heart, otherwise I would lose all trust.


July 11, 2022 7:23 am  #6

Re: Anyone in the same boat?

I read your story and it sounds like a lot of the stories I've read on this Forum since I found it in January of 2020.  The issue that still stings, for me, is the realization that he had gay/trans attractions and desires all his life and married me without telling me.  A person who knew him for 40 years told me "I'm not surprised".  And there were all the little signs along the way that didn't add up because I wasn't looking for them but now they haunt me every day even though I divorced him and haven't seen him for over two years. 

Really, the only thing you can do, hard as it sounds, is to pick yourself up and stand on your own two feet - without him.  You don't need him and he sounds like a piece of crap.  He deceived you for years and won back your trust only to smash it to bits.  Bi now, gay later. 

He doesn't deserve you. 



July 11, 2022 8:53 am  #7

Re: Anyone in the same boat?

Thanks for the replies everyone. I am so glad I found this page...as most people I have talked to really have no idea what this is like. 

I have booked a counselling session. I also ended up taking a sick day from work today. I am just burnt out. Pretending to be normal, day in and day out, is exhausting. I worked 6 shifts last week in a high stress job and by the end...I came home from the last shift and sat on the floor in the kitchen with my dog and cried for an hour.

I feel like I am living in the twilight zone right now. At this point, we can't afford to separate and he is currently living in the basement. The plan is to get things sorted out so that he can at least move out, but it's going to take awhile.

I don't know if my situation is unique or not....but, the one thing I will say is that he feels like s**t. He's apologized over and over. And he sat down with me and walked through the whole thing and told me he's been a complete a**. He told me he was a coward and I deserved so much better. And a lot of other things. I do appreciate the honesty....even if it took this long to finally get him to tell the truth.

On one hand I am so unbelievably hurt and angry and so many mixed emotions. On the other hand I can see how flawed he truly is. And looking back on it, a lot makes sense. He is a very messed up individual and needs help. I told him I honestly don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him for this. Or what is going to happen in the future.

It's hard. Because it's impossible trying to connect the picture of the man I loved and grew up with, with the man before me now. It makes my brain short circuit.

Never in my life did I think I would end up in this situation. As I'm sure everyone else thought the same. 

I got married at 19 and have spent just shy of half my life with him. We grew up together. And now I just feel lost.

I wish there was a timeline for how long it takes for the pain to stop taking your breath away....

     Thread Starter

July 11, 2022 9:48 am  #8

Re: Anyone in the same boat?


Sounds like you're still in shock from this..  I look back and wonder how I was able to work while going through this.. I recall coming to work white ad a ghost and people asking what was wrong..

I never got an apology but I can from your plight it does little good when the person you spent half your life with up ends your world.

Definitely build your support system. tTry to maintain a routine to help with going to work and not getting exhausted with worry.   Know that you did nothing wrong and this is all of his making...slow and steady as you process the hurt. 

Wishing you strength and fortitude.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

July 11, 2022 10:01 am  #9

Re: Anyone in the same boat?

I got married at 23 and am 51 now. He realized he had gender dysphoria a year after our son was born.  We're still together but it's because I focused on our son.  You aren't alone.  I found this group last week and already am feeling like there is hope.

If I can tell you anything, it's that it's ok to not be ok. You aren't alone.  Talking to a therapist will help just to get it all out in the open.  Do you have anyone else that you can talk to who will support you?  I finally confided in 3 really close friends and it was a game changer for me to know that there were people walking in this mess with me (we jokingly call it my circle of disaster).  

Please do what you need to grieve.  Sick days, taking time away, crying as much or as little as you need.  But you aren't alone.

Sorry one more thing to add - exercise was a huge help to me, not just for my own sense of self but for the benefits.  I found a gym and a trainer and work out 3 times a week now but originally, I just walked with a friend.  It helped to be outside and to let my brain relax a little with my steps.  Find a podcast (the Our Voices has helped me a lot this weekend) or music or whatever helps you unwind.  But it was time for myself and I guard it because of how important it is for my own mental and physical well being.

Sending you a hug!!

Last edited by ldr10 (July 11, 2022 10:05 am)


July 11, 2022 3:42 pm  #10

Re: Anyone in the same boat?

I want you to know it's ok to still love your partner. Especially if you share a child. Just don't let yourself still be IN love with him. I'm still friendly with my X who is my kids' Dad. We spent all important holidays together with him and his partner. I was pretty pissy at him for a few years but over time I understood he did me a solid by actually saying his truth and not keeping me in a lie even longer. Oh, I'm not saying he's a prince or anything but it's better for the kids if everyone can get along. That being said, if, as you go along you find you need to hate him to get over him, that's ok too. It's all ok because it's all acknowledging what you feel. Feeling and getting through it is the hard part. 
Whether my now husband and I split or not, I'll always love him and want him to be ok. I'm just built that way. I won't be a doormat, or used, or take care of him like before. But I don't want him hurting either.
Different strokes on how to deal with this is just fine.
Wishing you peace.


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