OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?

June 6, 2022 10:06 pm  #1

I feel like I suffered enough, now? Now, he wants to be mommy.

Hello everyone,
I left an abusive relationship of six years about a year ago. We had a child together who is now two. I am not sure if I need to state a trigger warning... But yeah...

When I met my abuser I had a house, a car, my own bank account, a decent job and I wasn't even looking for a relationship. I lost all of this in the first two years of our relationship. How? Oh, manipulation and lies. Further explanation would require me to write a book full...

He was financially, emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive. I highly believe that he is an undiagnosed narcissist. He kept me prisoner, yes literally, in our home for two years. When I became pregnant he screamed at me that I was going to have an abortion. You see he had lied about his two children he already had. He told me that one of them wasn't his, this child is now seven and they have never met. He told me the other was in a different country and the mother cut off ties from him. Sure, part of that is true but she never cut ties with him, that child is now ten and he hasn't seen him since he was a year and a half old.

He never wanted to be a father. So, he spent the next few days demanding that I call an abortion clinic. I finally did just to get him to stop screaming at me. After I told him the price, I told him that I could leave. I was giving him and "out." I told him our child didn't have to carry his name, didn't have to have his name on their birth certificate, I could leave with our child and he would never have to hear a word from me again. He actually thought about it then stated some crap about the morals I had taught him wouldn't allow him to do that. No, that wasn't it. He didn't want to be alone again. This man had never been alone.

I had no idea that while he had started dating me his long term off and on partner was giving birth in a different state and was waiting for him to return. The lies upon lies... Sigh. After he said the moral comment he started threatening me. If I left he would take our child. He had money I didn't. If I called the police he would have me arrested for making false claims and take our child away.

What didn't help was the lies he told me about his military career. He used these lies to build a fear in me of the local police. He was already cheating on me with a man. He said he was his friend but would joke about being boyfriends. He didn't allow us to be in the same room alone, period.

The never ending screaming and yelling... Stomping his feet, punching the wall or table... I was always afraid. He's a foot taller than me and he's not skinny and small. He has very wide shoulders and a thick trunk.

I wasn't allowed to be pregnant. He would tell me "you don't thank the oven, you thank the chef." He would tell his friends this too while they drank in the garage. He would make me "pay," for every doctor visit. He would constantly tell me that I was useless and worthless and entitled. I tried to leave during my pregnancy but he made a missing person's report when I didn't contact him for 24 hours and he scared me into coming back. He said that I would give birth in jail for misuse of public funds.

After I gave birth, I needed to stay in the hospital. I had a very, very high risk pregnancy. I was sick after giving birth. Our child was healthy. I had to have an emergency c-section. On the sixth day my ex threatened to take out child home without me. I chose to breast feed and he hated it. He said that our child would love me more because he couldn't breast feed. I went home AMA on the 7th day because he wouldn't wait anymore.

About a week after I escaped my fear came true. He served me with court papers. He now uses the court system to continue the abuse...

A week before the first hearing he announced that he was transitioning. About a month later he started making demands that I refer to him as "mommy," when talking about him. He moved his boyfriend in a few days after I left. He told me that he had already been referring to him as "daddy," around our child. Our child has a speech delay... She has only called me "Mom," twice. Yet he is demanding that she suddenly start calling him "Mommy."

Fast forward about ten months later... We have a final hearing scheduled. He's called me delusional, states that he makes a better mother than me, says that I am not co-parenting when I won't agree to changing visitation at the drop of a hat, states that I stole his child. There's a lot more... Suffice to say that I am terrified of what may or may not happen to our daughter while she is at visitation.

He never cared for her financially or physically during our relationship. I used charities and government programs. He used my family without my knowledge.

So here I am... I've tried to talk about it with other abuse survivors but none of them have dealt with their ex transitioning. I can't go to transgender support areas because people get very angry at me. I'm told that I have to just accept it and make changes. I don't think it's fair to me or to my daughter... If it was a more natural process then maybe we could go with how things naturally progress but my ex has no patience. He wants things and wants them now.

There's so much more I could write but this is already way too long. If you make it this far, thank you...


June 7, 2022 6:56 am  #2

Re: I feel like I suffered enough, now? Now, he wants to be mommy.

This man does not deserve you. He has treated you badly.


June 7, 2022 11:28 am  #3

Re: I feel like I suffered enough, now? Now, he wants to be mommy.

I'm so sorry you've gone through all this.  Can I ask, how old is your baby now?  Do you have custody?


June 7, 2022 1:47 pm  #4

Re: I feel like I suffered enough, now? Now, he wants to be mommy.

Thank you both... Our daughter is just 28 months old now. I have primary custody which means a few things... But he has visitation. One of the first things he did was to order a geographic restriction. Meaning my daughter and I can't leave the county let alone the state. We have no support system here. He is the only family our daughter has here... I want to move back home and we're legally stuck. Hoping that at the final hearing the judge will lift that geographic restriction.
Thank you both for your replies. This has been very hard on my daughter and I and continues to cause all kinds of problems.

     Thread Starter

June 7, 2022 3:47 pm  #5

Re: I feel like I suffered enough, now? Now, he wants to be mommy.

Sorry to read your all too familiar story.  I hope you have help from family, friends.  I thought I should give this link   https://www.transwidowsvoices.org/  This is one of a few places where I read stories like yours and mine.  What you wrote here is already very comprehensive and well-written.  


June 7, 2022 3:49 pm  #6

Re: I feel like I suffered enough, now? Now, he wants to be mommy.

The reason I asked, is that when babies are learnng to speak, they are able to say "Daddy" well before they are able to say "Mommy".  The consonants are just easier, it's not any kind of reaction to you.  

I'm glad you have custody, and I really hope you can get that geographical restriction loosened.  


June 7, 2022 6:04 pm  #7

Re: I feel like I suffered enough, now? Now, he wants to be mommy.

Wow. That is very intense and I don't have any advice for you but to keep fighting for your child. And Prayers. Lots and lots of prayers sent your way, Momma. I don't know how I would handle or feel in this situation so I cannot offer up advice. And I'm sorry that other groups have treated you that way. More than that, I'm sorry that you have gone through all of this. [img]https://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/sad.png[/img]


June 7, 2022 7:13 pm  #8

Re: I feel like I suffered enough, now? Now, he wants to be mommy.

I truly hope your lawyer can get the restriction dropped totally. I hope you can move as far away from that pos as possible. 


Board footera


Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum