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May 5, 2022 10:21 pm  #1


Successful co-parenting with or without MOM

I found out my husband of 10 yrs is attracted to men, he admits to being bi but is most likely GID. I found out a few months ago and believed him when he said he's bi and that it's mostly been sexting and unsuccessful attempts at hookups. Fast forward to this week and I looked through his phone again and the sexting hasn't stopped. He was  also planning a hookup. To me at this point a crucial part of our marriage (sex/intimacy) is now over. I can no longer trust or feel safe with him.

The part that isn't over is our family. We have two kids 5&2. We work really well as a parenting team. He is an amazing dad. From the outside we have an idyllic life, beautiful house, great jobs,  amazing kids. It truly is the life that I have always wanted. But now it feels hollow at the core.

He is promising that he will work on his impulses to sext/seek attention from outside the marriage. As much as I want this to be true, I know its not. He barely stopped for a month after the big reveal of his secret and  so I dont see much point in yet another chance.

He doesn't want to ruin the life and family we've built together. I am conflicted and feel selfish for wanting to blow it all up.

So, if you've stuck with me so far, what should I do? If you've stayed in a MOM how have the kids fared? Was it worth it to stay together for them?

If you chose to leave... have you been able to successfully coparent post separation/divorce?

 

May 6, 2022 12:35 pm  #2


Re: Successful co-parenting with or without MOM

Figuring-it-0ut wrote:

 I am conflicted and feel selfish for wanting to blow it all up.

You didn't blow anything up. Your husband risked it all: your family, your physical & emotional health...for random hookups with strange men. He did this. Not you. No one ever expects to be in this situation...where the person you love, trust & committed your life to would put you and your children through this. There are many here who feel your pain.

It is soooooo hard when there are children involved....but children are much stronger, more resilient (and more intuitive) than we give them credit for....They want their parents to be happy. And you deserve to be happy in your one and only precious life...Clearly, your husband has a lot to work out for himself...but that doesn't need to be your burden. If you're both committed to creating a safe, loving environment for them (separately), your children will be OK. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You may try posting in the Support section (which has a wider audience...who may be able to share some co-parenting experiences.)
Take care. 
 

 

May 6, 2022 2:34 pm  #3


Re: Successful co-parenting with or without MOM

Figuring it out... Hey 😊 welcome to our Forum. Although my children are all adults and out living in the world we still had one still at home when all this came to a head 5ish years ago and though he was working I believe he may have picked up on things that were going on in the house. Kids, whatever age... see it all, they just may not be able to process and verbalise it.
Depending on the child of course and your ability to age-appropriately discuss it I'd
always suggest honesty with and about loved ones, especially if they ask questions. Actually even if they ask no questions but you can tell they're troubled.

It's ironic/not ironic that these men who hide parts of themselves are often the best fathers, awesome partners on the outside. Living seemingly perfect lives

The relationships with your children are THE most important gift you have after the r'ship you have with yourself and they'll need you to know who *you* are... to know who to trust

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

May 6, 2022 3:56 pm  #4


Re: Successful co-parenting with or without MOM

Thank you both!

Elle, what do we even tell the kids... he is not ready to come out. I dont want to put him in that position either, there will be too many negative consequences from his family who will not be able to accept his reality. He is GID and I don't want to out him if he's not ready.

Not just about protecting him but its not a good way to start a healthy co-parenting situation. I also cant imagine either of our families taking it well and the BS from them that my kids will have to deal with. If the kids were older I'd say we can talk through this, but they are still babies. 

     Thread Starter
 

May 6, 2022 7:11 pm  #5


Re: Successful co-parenting with or without MOM

Figuring-it-0ut wrote:

.....Elle, what do we even tell the kids... he is not ready to come out. I dont want to put him in that position either, there will be too many negative consequences from his family who will not be able to accept his reality. He is GID and I don't want to out him if he's not ready.

Not just about protecting him but its not a good way to start a healthy co-parenting situation. I also cant imagine either of our families taking it well and the BS from them that my kids will have to deal with. If the kids were older I'd say we can talk through this, but they are still babies. 

Yeah that must be tough, 2 young children to consider...and yip I'm glad I didn't have that 'one more thing on top of everything else' but as this change in the dynamic of your marriage is down to your husband I think you don't have to take on the burden of worrying too much about his choices because it seems he's already made them. He's an adult, do you really think he needs protecting? As mothers, wives, partners we tend to take on more of an emotional load when tricky stuff is happening just because that's how we're wired so now perhaps you need to decide which areas of the situation you need to take a step back from.

In my own r'ship (37 years together....5 years since Mindfuck moment....the last 2 years celibate)...it took me ages to find a place where I could not care about the things that used to sadden/anger me about our life. I imagine as a busy mother of 2 young children it will take a bit longer for your mind and emotions to sort through all this.....well it's crap isn't it? A real Mindfuck

Keep posting, keep reading, keep asking questions

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

May 6, 2022 8:19 pm  #6


Re: Successful co-parenting with or without MOM

 There's no reason you would need to out your husband to his family...or yours even. But you should tell someone (even if that someone is a therapist). I remember how awful and isolating it was keeping it a secret. You'll need support, too....And, like Elle said, keep posting here. We get it.

 

May 6, 2022 8:57 pm  #7


Re: Successful co-parenting with or without MOM

I'm seeing it as protecting the kids. And for now that means their parents being on good terms with each other. What form that relationship takes is what I'm trying to figure out.

Layla I'm trying to find a therapist I can speak to... but it's been hard to find someone literally anyone that has an opening.

I'm so so grateful for this forum its the only thing that is helping me not feel alone. Reading everyone's stories is cathartic in a way I can't even describe.

     Thread Starter
 

May 7, 2022 4:07 pm  #8


Re: Successful co-parenting with or without MOM

Of course you don't want to break up your family but where do you think this is going?  what does your future look like if you stay?

Hope you have found Omar Minwalla's article on the sexual basement.  It should be somewhere in the first aid kit.

Talk to someone in your life, a friend or family member.  We have all felt the reluctance to talk about it and how much it helped when we did.

 

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