RoseColoredGlasses wrote:

I’ve never been this confused and sad I think my son may have either bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. He is enrolled in the right program, and we are just beginning to learn more. The idea that serious mental illness could be caused by my husband’s orientation issues seems like a stretch in some ways, but undoubtedly they added stress, which is a contributing factor. Here’s the crazy thing: they kind of look alike. Delusions. Denial. If it’s that. My husband is very seriously saying I am all he wants, and can we really “call it” for someone else? At what point is that abusive? Ugh. I am now losing my mind too. I am going to trust the professionals here for a while now I guess, and just take it all day by day.

Rose, I don't know much about schizophrenia, but I do know a lot about bipolar. My GID ex has it and refuses to treat it, and my 34 year old son has it, and takes his meds and therapy seriously. 

Bipolar is a biological disease with a strong genetic component. If a person has a predisposition towards bipolar, that does not necessarily mean they'll get it, just like someone with a predisposition towards diabetes may not get it. Environmental triggers to play a part. If someone with a genetic predisposition towards diabetes (like myself, I have family history of diabetes and had gestational diabetes) eats a lot of carbs and gains weight over the years, they will almost certainly develop diabetes. But if this same person takes care to limit carbs and weight gain, they may never develop diabetes. (This is what I aim for after being diagnosed with prediabetes and so far it's worked).

There are environmental triggers that make it more likely that a person with a genetic disposition towards bipolar will develop it. Those triggers are childhood trauma and abuse. They've done research with groups with limited genetic lines, like the Amish, to determine this. And what's unfortunate is if an individual is born with a genetic predisposition towards bipolar, chances are high that one parent also has it.  Parents with bipolar have to be very careful and diligent with their own mental health to avoid situations that may traumatize their child. Sadly, treatment resistance is very common with bipolar, so that often there has been chaos and emotional trauma in homes with a parent with bipolar. That is what my son suffered, and why it was almost inevitable he developed it himself. My other two children do not have it, so they likely did not inherit the genetic tendency that my son did.

And, of course, a GID narcissistic spouse can cause a tremendous amount of emotional trauma for a child. 

This is all very distressing, and can lead to self-blame on the part of parents. I think we all go through this period of mourning and self-blame, but the important thing for your child is to educate yourself so you can be a team with his or her medical professionals. Bipolar IS a treatable illness, people with bipolar CAN and DO have productive and happy lives. My son, although he has struggled with finding a career with low stress (important for the management of bipolar), has one of the best marriages I've ever seen AND is a wonderful, loving father to his daughter (who is autistic with her own challenges). So don't despair.

I'm not familiar with the treatment of schizophrenia, but I understand it's come a long way and there are successful options there, as well. 

I wish you luck. It is a hard journey for sure. It is so hard for a parent as well. We want to protect our children from all harm and often blame ourselves for the trauma of their childhoods. But there can be success and a happy life!
 

Last edited by beastie (April 17, 2022 10:03 am)

Thank you for posting Rose. I apologize for acting like a "know-it-all" armchair counsellor of sorts. I'm slowly starting to understand the pain, agony, and paralysing indecision suffered by straight wives and mothers still living with closeted husbands. So take all the time you need my friend. I'd also urge you to focus on your own mental health and well being. Thinking of you. If any straight spouses have questions for a gay ex-husband, feel free to post them here.   

Hi Sean, I'm from Argentina so I'll use a translator and I hope you can understand my message well. I was in a relationship for 5 years with the perfect man, everyone said that we were made for each other. he and his family did not support the lgbt community. I taught him that love is love no matter what. We planned a life together and a few months ago we took the step of living together. he began to change, he looked at me ugly and he was always in a bad mood, so much so that two months ago we decided to take some time to think. We met again two weeks ago and he told me that he was no longer in love but that he loved me as a friend, I couldn't understand until he finally confirmed that he has been attracted to men since he was 12 years old. I collapse, I end my future and my life, I don't want to live anymore. It was so perfect that I don't understand. I have the illusion that he is a passenger, we continue to see each other and we had sex but last night he told me that he no longer wants to lie to himself. that today his way is that but he is in the closet and he says that he needs me by his side as a friend but I can't Sean, I can't. and more when he tells me that he still likes women. I don't know what to think, I want to wait for him but I don't believe in bisexuality, I feel that he is totally gay. He is the most incredible person I have met in my life, he helped me to be a better person. I love him but I hate him at the same time, how could he deceive me, betray me like that??? I have to accept being his friend after what he did to me???

In response to LMM's excellent update which you can read here: OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » Evangelical, Ultra-Religious Scenario is VERY Different Than Others (boardhost.com). 

I wanted to reply to this: 

"Now, as we tear away the lies from religious control and Evangelical systems, he's very open and kind. He doesn't need to fight the demons or spend hours repenting anymore. He's getting therapy and meds for the depression, which is like a whole life makeover. He connects to us and carries our feelings with us. No more being detached or passive. He continues to realize what he was doing and how it looked/felt to me, on my side of the equation. Instead of avoiding hard talks, he's given me 4 months of healing, affirming explanations. People in this group have been stern with me to not believe "crocodile tears" or these healing, helpful things because they're a manipulative abuse game. But it's not. I kept waiting for that to come, but it feels more and more safe. People here don't get the way that my whole body was in full-alarm before and now for months has been completely safe! The thing that changed was the truth coming out and our decision to divorce. All the hellfire and the reasons behind abusing me are gone." 

I'm so happy you and your kids are healing. I was firmly in the "beware of his crocodile tears" camp and wanted to apologize if I went too far. But I still want to warn you, many closeted and formerly closeted husbands are performers. And many straight spouses are healers/co-dependents. That means he is very good at acting in ways that meet his insatiable need for unconditional love, validation, and attention. Sadly, many straight wives and future-ex-wives continue to sacrifice most of their time and effort into healing him, often at the expense of her own healing and that of her children. You wrote: 

"I'm healing and moving on, feeling more settled and able to relax now that it's been 5 weeks since he moved out."

This is excellent news and I assume things will continue to improve as you detach, with love of course. But I will again caution you, don't put his needs and his healing ahead of your own needs/healing nor that of your kids. You and your kids come first. He can now lean on himself, his recovery community, and his family to heal. He is no longer your responsibility. Put bluntly, he can now pick up his own medication, make his own appointments, cook his own meals, do his own laundry etc.

You also wrote: 

"...he's given me 4 months of healing, affirming explanations..."

This is a good start but again I'd like to caution you. Four months out of a seventeen-year abusive relationship represents just 0.25% of your relationship. So for 99.75% of your time together, he was both closeted and abusive. So what's my point? As I said during our podcast/interview, it will take years for your ex-husband to heal and he might even fall back into his formerly abusive ways during this time of healing. As such, I would urge you to continue setting boundaries, detaching with love, and focusing on your healing and your childrens' healing. 

Thanks again for posting an update and please feel free to respond to my comments. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (May 7, 2022 9:47 am)

Sean (and others that may be interesteed)

I did create a post about Mormonism and closeted husbands here:

https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?pid=34190#p34190

I'm hoping to hear from other LDS or exLDS!