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April 21, 2022 12:41 pm  #21


Re: SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES

Like others, I think you're spouting wisdom, Can’t_make_this_up.

You are right to be offended when people catchphrase their way into politely changing the subject. Your life of many years is going up in flames and "friends" are demurely saying all will be well. If anything, you're learning who is worth your time moving forward.

But I have to say: look at you rise. You were nearly given a triple knockout here by life, instead of lying down you bounced up and swung harder. This chapter of your life is going to be amazing, not because of some warm fuzzy Facebook tagline, but because you're going to show everyone what you're made of. You've got this.

 

April 22, 2022 10:13 am  #22


Re: SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES

Upside wrote:

Like others, I think you're spouting wisdom, Can’t_make_this_up.

You are right to be offended when people catchphrase their way into politely changing the subject. Your life of many years is going up in flames and "friends" are demurely saying all will be well. If anything, you're learning who is worth your time moving forward.

But I have to say: look at you rise. You were nearly given a triple knockout here by life, instead of lying down you bounced up and swung harder. This chapter of your life is going to be amazing, not because of some warm fuzzy Facebook tagline, but because you're going to show everyone what you're made of. You've got this.

Upside - I think I am tearing up reading you wonderful message. Thank you so much for your kind words. I know for sure I can say the same about you!! Take care.

     Thread Starter
 

April 22, 2022 10:15 am  #23


Re: SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES

HopelessRomantic wrote:

Just popped in to say congrats on the job!! Wishing you well, keep us posted.

Thank you HR!! Did the drug screen this morning and actually had a call with another company to set up an interview so hopefully a back up plan if necessary!  I so appreciate your kind message!

     Thread Starter
 

April 22, 2022 8:40 pm  #24


Re: SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES

wow, that does sound good, fingers crossed for you.

It's hard not to say I am doing okay with a nice bit of sunshine to cheer us up after all the floods.  

I overdid the gardening a couple of weeks ago and I was more tired than normal, I did not feel well for a while and now I have stopped taking all the sugar, oh boy that was an awful shock, I went out and bought lots of fruit juices so I could get more fructose.  and these last couple of days I really am feeling better again.

I feel more and more established in my new life, I am proud of myself and comfortable in my company, I lost my cat but have become more friendly with my neighbours in the process - not that that makes up for losing her, of course but it helps.

I have no answers but I am working on my answer.

Last edited by lily (April 22, 2022 8:59 pm)

 

April 23, 2022 6:02 am  #25


Re: SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES

Can’t Make This Up,
Thank you for giving voice to my feelings alongside me! And for reminding me what’s true. It’s very validating to read. I haven’t come on the forum lately, but was really strengthened by reading this.

I’m also seeing how cultural this platitude giving is, that some groups do it to everything and some don’t go there. I’m now almost 2 years past going to my old church, where they said those things to me. I sometimes left the service to sob, not just cry but gut-wrenching sobbing, because the songs and pastors said things along these lines. One time a pastor yelled, “Depression and mental illness can’t stick to you if the Holy Spirit is in you! Cancer and chronic illness can’t stick to your body either!” Times like that felt just as painful and damaging as my husband’s abusive behaviors felt.

Now I’m 8 months into a very loving, less religious church. When I told a couple of people about my upcoming divorce and why it’s happening, they hugged me. They checked in on me and one brought dinner! One sent an origami bird in the mail. My new neighbor reacted the same way, asking if she could give me a hug. She didn’t let me do the “shrug it off as better” thing, either! Since I don’t know her well, I tried to say how it’s been going OK and I have a lot more peace. But I’m a grandmotherly way, she frowned and said, “It’s still very hard on you, though. Be gentle and take time for yourself when you can. You don’t need to put on a brave front all the time, not when you’re feeling sad or alone.” That was such a meaningful moment for me, having her validate it so warmly.

 

April 24, 2022 10:21 am  #26


Re: SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES

lily wrote:

wow, that does sound good, fingers crossed for you.

It's hard not to say I am doing okay with a nice bit of sunshine to cheer us up after all the floods.  

I overdid the gardening a couple of weeks ago and I was more tired than normal, I did not feel well for a while and now I have stopped taking all the sugar, oh boy that was an awful shock, I went out and bought lots of fruit juices so I could get more fructose.  and these last couple of days I really am feeling better again.

I am so sorry about you losing your cat. I know that people who aren’t pet lovers can’t relate to the significance that animals have in our lives.

When you talked about not feeling well it really hit a chord with me. Physically I feel worse than I ever have in my life and I think stress and not getting enough sleep at night are big contributors. I made a commitment to myself yesterday that I will make taking better care a priority so I can see if it makes a difference. Glad you seem to be doing the same. Take care.

I feel more and more established in my new life, I am proud of myself and comfortable in my company, I lost my cat but have become more friendly with my neighbours in the process - not that that makes up for losing her, of course but it helps.

I have no answers but I am working on my answer.

     Thread Starter
 

April 24, 2022 10:37 am  #27


Re: SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES

LMM wrote:

Can’t Make This Up,
Thank you for giving voice to my feelings alongside me! And for reminding me what’s true. It’s very validating to read. I haven’t come on the forum lately, but was really strengthened by reading this.

I’m also seeing how cultural this platitude giving is, that some groups do it to everything and some don’t go there. I’m now almost 2 years past going to my old church, where they said those things to me. I sometimes left the service to sob, not just cry but gut-wrenching sobbing, because the songs and pastors said things along these lines. One time a pastor yelled, “Depression and mental illness can’t stick to you if the Holy Spirit is in you! Cancer and chronic illness can’t stick to your body either!” Times like that felt just as painful and damaging as my husband’s abusive behaviors felt.

Now I’m 8 months into a very loving, less religious church. When I told a couple of people about my upcoming divorce and why it’s happening, they hugged me. They checked in on me and one brought dinner! One sent an origami bird in the mail. My new neighbor reacted the same way, asking if she could give me a hug. She didn’t let me do the “shrug it off as better” thing, either! Since I don’t know her well, I tried to say how it’s been going OK and I have a lot more peace. But I’m a grandmotherly way, she frowned and said, “It’s still very hard on you, though. Be gentle and take time for yourself when you can. You don’t need to put on a brave front all the time, not when you’re feeling sad or alone.” That was such a meaningful moment for me, having her validate it so warmly.

Oh LMM. This message is making me tear up. I think I mentioned that personally I have no interest in organized religion, but I think that everyone should make their own choice and if a religion speaks to them and helps them - them go for it!  So I am appalled that an entity and people who should have provided absolute solace to you were instead tearing you down!  If it’s Christian based those people aren’t even paying attention to what the core of the religion is supposed to be. The way that Jesus is presented in the Bible is as a loving, supporting, non-discriminating person. I have to think that if Jesus was/is real, that he would be the neighbor giving the hug or the kind person bringing you food.

This is just my opinion, but any church that allows someone to preach that mental and physical illness aren’t real or can’t affect you if you ‘believe’ , is not a church but rather is a cult. It sounds along the lines of Christian Sciences - the dangerous cult that poses as a religion and doesn’t believe in medical treatment.  If they truly believed in god as a creator, then they would believe that god created people with minds brilliant and inquisitive enough to figure out how to treat and prevent illnesses.  Your comparison to the old church and your husband’s behavior are spot on - they were both abusive.  And you deserve better. 

The only place it is ‘ok’ to be leaving in tears is a therapy session that hit on tough topics.

Hang in there. It’s one minute of one hour of one day at a time. If you happen to live in Ohio and need a good therapist, send me a private message and I will give you contact info for mine. Take care.

     Thread Starter
 

October 19, 2022 8:10 am  #28


Re: SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES

How is this my life now? Ugh. I went from thinking things might work out ok in April to a downward slide that won’t stop. 
I sit here on 10/19/22 with no job (the job I got in April that I was so excited about was a nightmare), no income, no medical benefits, no open work prospects, overwhelming debt for which bankruptcy is not a feasible option (it’s complicated but I’ve talked with several attorneys), having to pay spousal support to a cheating alleged rapist sociopath gay ex.  Going back on disability, which my doctors support, is not an option (I can’t wait 8 months for a determination with no income in the meantime and no benefits for the first 5 months). Unemployment not an option with a 4 week determination period for not enough to live on. I’m not functioning or working as productively as I used to - I know that - so I am afraid I will fail at any new job I manage to get (working through this with my therapist who keeps telling me the last 2 jobs were not my fault, but I have a hard time accepting that).

I had just figured out a way to maybe make things work through January with a lower paying job I had taken (after fighting with the court because I needed a break from high stress work) plus doing door dash nights and weekends and then using the little money I had saved to supplement. That meant I wouldn’t have to break my lease so no extra fees and negative credit report. I went to the new job (I didn’t want it - dreaded it - lots of red flags- but I needed a job so the court wouldn’t delay my divorce) on Monday 10/11 which was less than a month from when I stated and I got fired. The boss - who literally spoke to me 2 times over the month - said it wasn’t a fit between me and him. I said you never even spoke to me! It was shady from the start but it was income and medical benefits. So no more job.

My sole source of income is now door dash which I am hoping can cover food, prescriptions, car payment and insurance. I have to break my lease and will be homeless by the end of November.  I have tried ever organization out there but there is no help right now. I will stay with my daughter and her fiancé for a little bit until I figure something out but it breaks my heart because it’s been so hard on them and they were finally getting a little peace.

Meanwhile the progress I was making in inching up my credit rating and getting life back together is gone. I can’t pay my bills. My attorney is asking the court to suspend support for now and even if they won’t I can’t pay it.

The divorce proceedings were bad because me lying gay ex was going for every last cent he could get from my pay because he refuses to work and hides behind  SSDI when he does nothing to improve himself. The end settlement was exactly what every attorney told me from the beginning- he ended up much better off financially that I did. I have to pay him spousal support with literally no end date other than death. And he can petition the court to raise the amount any time. (Just so you know I am in a no fault state so the court doesn’t care what he did, and the length of my marriage screwed me in my state. Believe me my attorney tried everything.)

I am trying to do door dash as much as I can while applying for jobs, stopping automatic payments, contacting creditors, figuring out how to talk with my landlord, getting ready to move, keeping up with my attorney etc etc. And trying not to have a mental health breakdown at the thought of losing my little home. All of this takes so much time and there’s isn’t enough of it. So what the hell am I doing venting on this post?! I need to get busy.

Please tell me someone is doing better than I am. I need to hear a good story.

Take care everyone.

     Thread Starter
 

October 19, 2022 10:37 am  #29


Re: SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES

Hi Can't make this up,

There are times when it is to your advantage to fight to get what's rightfully yours and times to take another route. Take the following with a grain of salt. You know your situation best.

Am guessing this guy qualified for SSDI when it was easier to play with the system. There's not much you can do to kick him off as he probably should be.  The late GIDXH tried applying for SSDI a few years ago. None of his doctors would sign off. They told him he could work.

Is it possible to compromise with the financials to get this guy out of your life completely? The ex gets  reduced or no support if you can't work.  Would a lump sum payment to him when you're able to be a possibility? Think long and hard about all the ins and outs. 

It's getting slowly better for me. The ex is dead but he left a lot of destruction behind. It's two steps forward and one step backwards.  After a while, I can see solid progress.

Last edited by MJM017 (October 19, 2022 11:02 am)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

October 20, 2022 9:21 pm  #30


Re: SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES

I hate my "new" life. Nothing is going well. I'm exhausted, stressed all the time, depressed AF and broke.

I am so sick of people telling me you're better off, it'll get better, you'll find someone else or whatever else BS they can throw at me. I'm miserable as hell and what's the point in lying to myself about how this will get "better".

Maybe if I won the lottery...at least the financial stuff would improve...

 

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