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April 1, 2022 2:10 pm  #1


Tips for snooping without getting caught?

I apologize if this is an inappropriate question... it feels like an inappropriate question. But, does anyone have any tips or tricks for how to figure out what your spouse is up to online/on their phone? I suck at technology, I don’t know his passwords and his phone is basically an extension of his arm so it’s not like I’d organically get a chance to go through it anyway.

I have a sneaking suspicion that he has some sort of secret account (probably on reddit). I’ve noticed him typing on his phone and the timing doesn’t correspond with the time stamps on the account I know about (which he still uses). He doesn’t have friends and I doubt he’s grinning about work texts. He’s also been a little more curious about what I’m doing on MY phone while he’s home (I also have no friends, but I talk to my mom and his pretty frequently because of the kiddos).

I’m probably going to break and just confront him about it, and accept whatever answer/alibi he gives me... that’s usually what I end up doing. But I’d like to be able to know for sure whether or not it’s all just BS.

 

April 1, 2022 5:21 pm  #2


Re: Tips for snooping without getting caught?

I'm not a big fan of snooping. Not because of some ethical reason. I think when you get to this point, it's already too late. You know you cannot trust the person. Finding the evidence is cold comfort.

But everyone is entitled to their own perspective on this. Another member made a long list of things you could do. It's here...
https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=2442
 


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

April 18, 2022 1:24 pm  #3


Re: Tips for snooping without getting caught?

Thank you for sharing that post, Daryl.

@Hopeless
Very sorry to hear that you're in this situation. Had I not snooped I would still be married to a serial cheater, so while it is morally gray, it is worth it to verify any suspicions for the sake of yourself and your children.

 

April 18, 2022 2:40 pm  #4


Re: Tips for snooping without getting caught?

Thank you both, unfortunately I’m not really able to use any of the advice from the post. He always has his phone on him so I’m kind of stuck. Our cell plans are paid for through his company so I don’t have access to that information either, nor do I have the information for any of our other accounts or bills because he handles them.

I’m pretty sure he’s ‘cheating’ on me with someone online. I put parenthesis around that because I believe it’s more likely an emotional affair rather than a kinetic affair, and if I do get proof he’ll excuse his behavior as ‘friendship.’ But you don’t sneak around and hide ‘friendship’, so his nervous ticks that started acting up again this weekend when I asked who he was talking to (typing on his phone) and he stuttered out a non-response are big red flags to me. I will likely never know for sure.

     Thread Starter
 

April 18, 2022 4:08 pm  #5


Re: Tips for snooping without getting caught?

My comments in red 

HopelessRomantic wrote:

He always has his phone on him so I’m kind of stuck. Our cell plans are paid for through his company so I don’t have access to that information either, nor do I have the information for any of our other accounts or bills because he handles them. Yes same with my partner. Both our phones are paid for by his company and he handles the bills (which I never had a problem with til the Mindfuck. Trusted him completely)

I’m pretty sure he’s ‘cheating’ on me with someone online. I put parenthesis around that because I believe it’s more likely an emotional affair rather than a kinetic affair, and if I do get proof he’ll excuse his behavior as ‘friendship.’ But you don’t sneak around and hide ‘friendship’, so his nervous ticks that started acting up again this weekend when I asked who he was talking to (typing on his phone) and he stuttered out a non-response are big red flags to me. I will likely never know for sure. The sooner you decide to emotionally-detach from this man you have no trust in the better you'll be. It'll take awhile but these men tend to think they're on another level to us and as soon as I detached and acknowledged all the weird suspicions I had were true it was easier to see my way forward. When you ask him "who're you talking to" do you believe him? No....so why ask? That just plays into your insecurities. Does he ever ask what you're doing/who you're talking to/ texting? I'll bet he doesn't.... 

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

April 18, 2022 5:40 pm  #6


Re: Tips for snooping without getting caught?

Elle,

I believe him, when he gives me a real answer. Example: “I’m texting ____ from work about ____.” Or “I’m commenting on a reddit post I saw about ______.” But when he gets fidgety at the question and starts stammering out in his nervous ‘I’m lying’ voice about how he’s talking to “random people” and he talks to people about “this or that” sometimes just “random stuff,” I get suspicious.

He does ask, frequently, and sometimes he even comes over shyly and sits behind me to see what I’m doing. Never been a problem or something that’s bothered me because I don’t have anything to hide. If he wants to bore himself watching me text one of the grandparents about our kids, or scroll around Pinterest, he can be my guest.

Hell, if he snoops through my phone the most problematic thing he’ll find is THIS. And I think I’ve been mostly fair in my assessments of our situation, I voice complaints but nothing I haven’t voiced to him as well.

     Thread Starter
 

April 18, 2022 8:05 pm  #7


Re: Tips for snooping without getting caught?

HopelessRomantic wrote:

I believe him, when he gives me a real answer...... But when he gets fidgety at the question and starts stammering out in his nervous ‘I’m lying’ voice about how he’s talking to “random people” and he talks to people about “this or that” sometimes just “random stuff,” I get suspicious.......

Well then you have some well-honed intuition then There's no quick answer to this. It's like every one of our situations has a timeline. Just keep that intuition sharp, and know you have choices

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

April 19, 2022 9:05 am  #8


Re: Tips for snooping without getting caught?

I was helped by another member of this group through private messages. I did snoop and found some shocking text messages. I am glad that I found them.

 

April 19, 2022 12:56 pm  #9


Re: Tips for snooping without getting caught?

I felt like I needed to see his texts to convince myself to accept reality.  Snooping was the ONE thing I did to protect myself during the marriage.  

My husband was NEVER affectionate with me.  He always pulled the excuse that he hated public displays of affection, that he was old-fashioned and stoic and didn't approve of them.  He never, ever had a pet name for me.  He never put his arm around me or held my hand.  When I first snooped, I found his texts calling his boyfriend "Hon" and "Babe".  I was stricken.

It reminded me from one scene in "Amadeus" where Salieri is describing his first time watching a dress rehearsal for "Marriage of Figaro".  He speaks in voiceover describing the action on stage, while the camera stays in closeup of his face, so you only see his emotions reflecting what he described on stage.  He says "I saw a woman disguised in a maid's clothes hear her husband speak the first words of tenderness he had offered her in years, only because he thought she was someone else."  And you can see in his eyes, just a flicker of empathy -- even a complete monster like Salieri was able to be moved by the poignancy of that moment.

So I'm not even remotely ashamed of reading my husband's texts.  As far as I'm concerned, this is nothing new or duplicitous.  It was the one thing I did to protect myself.

 

 

April 21, 2022 12:51 pm  #10


Re: Tips for snooping without getting caught?

walkbymyself wrote:

I felt like I needed to see his texts to convince myself to accept reality.  Snooping was the ONE thing I did to protect myself during the marriage.  

My husband was NEVER affectionate with me.  He always pulled the excuse that he hated public displays of affection, that he was old-fashioned and stoic and didn't approve of them.  He never, ever had a pet name for me.  He never put his arm around me or held my hand.  When I first snooped, I found his texts calling his boyfriend "Hon" and "Babe".  I was stricken.
 

This brings back old memories. When I found my wife's phone and she called her best friend "love" with a 😘. My world collapsed.

Here's an idea: can you ask him to see his phone with him in the room?

Propose that you have noticed a change and are worried about your relationship. You feel that he is hiding things and you no longer trust his words. You would like to see his phone right now, with him present, and that this will help assuage your fears. If you find nothing, you will admit you were fully wrong, and will apologize and use this as the starting off point to begin to heal that trust.

As a husband, I would be offended, but I would also want to do anything I could to prove my innocence. If he holds back in any way, especially if he feigns anger and storms off, then you know conclusively he has something to hide.

Just an idea. It is this, or live continuously in fear.

 

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