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1 - LostAtSea
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How to get to a better place?
It’s so hard to get to a better place. Some days I think I’m passed the hump in the hill and other days it’s a struggle. Today I fell off the hill and at the bottom.
I’ve distanced myself from my old friend group because they are the wives. Their husbands are “it’s” friends.
I miss my friends so much and I know it puts them in a tough place. I want to rekindle my friendship with these ladies having lost everything in my life; however it brings up the hurt to explain and be humiliated again.
Since the ambushed phone call, I have not spoken to these ladies or told MY TRUTH about what happen.
I’m in my mid 40s and making new friends is not easy especially during the pandemic and when you mentally struggle with why this has happened. I am mostly at home and I work remote. Work knows about the divorce but I don’t let anyone I work with know the details or exactly why. I think I will never reveal why, except that I’ve been hurt and betrayed in the worst way.
I want to have my support group and be in a better place but it’s hard......
Last edited by LostAtSea (April 18, 2022 1:27 pm)
- HopelessRomantic
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Re: How to get to a better place?
Lost,
I’m sorry you’re going through that. It sucks not feeling like you can’t talk to the people in your life because of their proximity to the situation/other individual. And making friends as an adult seems damn near impossible sometimes.
I haven’t been to one, but I hear that ourpath hosts local support groups. Have you tried reaching out? It doesn’t solve your dilemma with your friends, but it might take some of the weight off your shoulders if you have some sort of support network.
- Lynne
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Re: How to get to a better place?
delete
Last edited by Lynne (July 15, 2022 6:23 pm)
- Upside
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Re: How to get to a better place?
So sorry to hear this, Lost
Seconding Lynne's comment. Anyone who hasn't reached out proactively has made their decision.
Sadly, there is never a proper forum for the public TGT reveal. I used to fantasize about sharing what I'd found, but many people simply can't fathom the reality of deception involved exists.
The best path is to start fresh with new friends. I'm still learning, but meetup.com, weekly groups, or classes seem to be nice ways to encounter others with like interests. It's not easy, but outside of work, it is the next best path.
- LostAtSea
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Re: How to get to a better place?
I had initially said my goodbyes to them and blocked their numbers. I didn’t want for them to know my humiliation and quite honestly I didn’t want to speak badly of “it”. I made myself a promise to never air out my dirty laundry if I ever got a divorce out of respect for myself and “it”.
However since then I have found out so many hurtful things and comments said by some of their husbands bc it was fueled my comments from “it”.
One of the wives which I am closest too did reach out to me on several occasions. Her husband treated me badly when I asked him to help me with the church annulment. I sent her an email that I didn’t think we could be friends again because I didn’t want them to choose sides or have any issues in their marriage. I did let her know in my darks hours her husband’s non compassionate tone left me in tears.
Last month in my moment of heartache, I called her. I cried my eyes out for 15 mins revealing parts of the horrible things that had happened to me. Today she texted me and wanted me to know she was thinking of me.
I unblocked all the wives numbers and sent a message that I missed everyone. This sent me into a breakdown.
I don’t know why texting them made me so emotional. I just wanted them to know none of this is my fault, but yet I have to suffer and can’t have their friendship. How do you have a relationship with one spouse and not the other? I would never be able to be in the same place with their husbands.
Why did I have to lose everything when “it” messed up my life bc “he” is so F up!??! Go be F up by yourself without ruining others! Now I’m sad and angry. I thought I was in a better place......
I looked at meetup.com but it mostly has work related networking of which I’m not interested in. Singles event but it misses the mid 40 age gap.
The local SSN doesn’t have meetups due to pandemic but there is a local zoom call. It did help me but not as my much now. Mostly bc I didn’t want to keep talking about the same hurt. I just want to have a talk with someone about life hobbies etc not bc we have a commonality in deceit from closeted partners.
All of this is so hard. When do you ever stop asking yourself WHY this happened? WHY did God send me someone to betray and hurt me in the worst way? I keep asking WHY , but I never get closer to the answer.
The icing on top of all of this, I received the church annulment paper work and “it” lied! How did you keep continuing to lie blows my mind!!??! The church overruled it and said “FRAUD”. Why do I even have to respond to this is beyond me.
Last edited by LostAtSea (April 18, 2022 3:41 pm)
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: How to get to a better place?
LostAtSea wrote:
I had initially said my goodbyes to them and blocked their numbers. I didn’t want for them to know my humiliation and quite honestly I didn’t want to speak badly of “it”. I made myself a promise to never air out my dirty laundry if I ever got a divorce out of respect for myself and “it”........
Do you think that you're now quite within your rights to speak your truth? Or does the person who ruined your life still have a hold over you?
As an aside....I have always been of the opinion that it was disrespectful to call anybody, even somebody who tore your life apart.....it. I'm obviously old-school because when I Googled "calling somebody 'it'. I was led down a rabbit hole of opinion and info and I now feel educated on the use of it (just can't get away from the word lol).
Elle
KIA KAHA
- LostAtSea
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Re: How to get to a better place?
It’s complicated for me in speaking the truth. Telling ppl what has really happened to me so they can sympathize and really know the trauma I have been through vs. airing out “martial” problems is what some have told me.
I recently started calling “him” “it” because “he” doesn’t know what to be. Being a “he” was apparently a lie and being a “she” is also a lie. “It” will never fully be true to as a him or a her. I will never call “him” a “her” because that’s not who I knew “him” to be.
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: How to get to a better place?
It’s complicated for me in speaking the truth. Telling ppl what has really happened to me so they can sympathize and really know the trauma I have been through vs. airing out “martial” problems is what some have told me.
I recently started calling “him” “it” because “he” doesn’t know what to be. Being a “he” was apparently a lie and being a “she” is also a lie. “It” will never fully be true to as a him or a her. I will never call “him” a “her” because that’s not who I knew “him” to be.
I've told only a select few, and I just never know if I'm being bothersome so tend not to mention it much anymore. I feel the last 2 years has been so damn awful for the whole world but that I at least have our Forum to catch me when I fall amongst others who really know what happened to me, and many people out there (ordinary humans lol) wouldn't understand anyway
Lost....I get pissed off with the "oh no...what do I call you" shiite. I mean it's not our reality ffs, and if it's somebody who dropped a bombshell on us maybe there should be an emote of some kind....like a black rectangle....we can type in to denote the hole they've made in our lives. I dunno 
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Lynne
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Re: How to get to a better place?
He's crazy and always will be no matter who he pretends to be. It won't be long before the "husbands" figure this out. Hopefully it won't be long before the world figures this out. In the meantime, it's all about us getting back some happiness. His lies to the church and to his friends about you is what narcissists do. Be glad you're out. The sting from his predictable BS will lessen with time.
- Gloria
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Re: How to get to a better place?
I also only told a few people when I found out that my ex boyfriend was gay. Some people did not seem surprised. It is a shock and difficult to deal with.