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March 4, 2021 7:27 pm  #21


Re: The link between being a straight spouse and sexual abuse in childhood

I am a straight partner to a closeted bi man. I also have a history of sexual abuse as well as emotional abuse. It is a very interesting link and I think it must have some significance. I am looking for a counselor to help me with all of this and I will be sure to bring that up. I have been aware of my history negatively affecting my choice of partners for many years.I thought I knew what I was doing when I made the choice to enter into this relationship. But here I am with another partner that lies to me. Obviously I have work to do.

 

March 5, 2021 8:43 am  #22


Re: The link between being a straight spouse and sexual abuse in childhood

I was sexually molested as a child . It causes all types of problems, trust issues being one of them. I know that these trust issues have affected me all of my life. So sorry that you suffered the same fate.

 

March 5, 2021 12:29 pm  #23


Re: The link between being a straight spouse and sexual abuse in childhood

Just chiming in to add to the statistics, so to speak. 

I had a wonderful childhood. My family was loving, nurturing & I didn’t even know there was such a thing as abuse until after I was grown and heard about it. When I got married to my first husband, and he drank the first 10 years of our marriage, he held me down one time & pulled me down by my hair one time. If it had gotten any worse, or if it had happened again, I don’t know if I would have stayed or not. I was also a pleaser....after  all this, I’ve gotten out of it a lot. He never hit me, and the 2 incidents didn’t hurt me. I DID put up one heck of a fuss when they happened & I think I scared him enough that it helped him to see to not do it again. I mean, I SCREAMED & backed into a corner. It scared the heck out of me, as I’d never been treated that way. & there was NO way I was going to be treated that way again. He didn’t after that & when he sobered up, there wasn’t any problem with his anger anyway 😊.

So, compared to a lot of folks (except going through this cheating), I’ve had it pretty good when it comes to being treated well. I feel very blessed...(I didn’t feel too blessed when I found out about all this, but now that he’s not doing it any more, 🤞.....no, I guess blessed is more  🙏🏼. 😁. Now, I can’t say what’s down the road, but I’m trying to live one day at a time & not worry about what’s ahead.

 

 

April 3, 2021 11:56 pm  #24


Re: The link between being a straight spouse and sexual abuse in childhood

Alert - if triggered, please don’t read.

——————


I was sexually molested at five by a male cousin. He showed me pornographic pictures at the same time.  The same person pushed me down to get on top of me when I was 9. Another relative heard me yelling & pulled the guy off me. Another relative attempted to touch me inappropriately at age 10 & I ran away.  A high school teacher put the moves on me. I rebuffed him.  It was an elective. I dropped the course as soon as I could & avoided him.

I felt ashamed, scared & uncomfortable about sex.  My late ex-husband not acting so aggressively sexual when he courted me was a relief.  He cried when I told him about my cousin. I was grateful & overlooked minor red flags before our marriage.

After the divorce, my late ex-h friended my molester cousin on Facebook.  I was slandered & became the subject of gossip in my extended family.   Neither of these men had/have any decency within them.

Maria

Last edited by MJM017 (April 4, 2021 12:27 am)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

April 16, 2021 1:48 pm  #25


Re: The link between being a straight spouse and sexual abuse in childhood

phoenix wrote:

Victo wrote:

Thank you, Phoenix.  I think what Kimberly Mazella was talking about was the link between childhood sexual abuse and then becoming a straight spouse later in life.

Victo, Sorry I did misread what you were talking about. 

That's a different and also very interesting point. 
I wonder what the connection is between being sexually abused as a child and then becoming a straight spouse.  Perhaps the experience as a child creates a personality type that GID people look for in a mate.  Maybe the sexually abused child becomes extremely empathetic and compassionate?  Maybe the abused child becomes much less demanding in their sexual needs and accepts the GID person without questioning what another person would find odd?
 

not to take this on a different trajectory, but it has triggered memories of my childhood abuse.  Which led to this thought - the things that made me a victim as a child, only child, mother terminally ill, father away working to pay medical bills.  Just makes me wonder how needy I was back then made me a prey for people wanting to take advantage of me in many ways.  There were boys who wanted sex, people who wanted me to pay their way, etc etc.
I guess I'm just wondering if circumstances that led me to be victimized as a child then shaped me into a person who was still needy for love and being desirable/wanted.
I'm not revealing my childhood as part of a pity party - I'm long past that ;) this is just the first time I've thought about the implications with respect to my GID.  

 

April 16, 2021 4:34 pm  #26


Re: The link between being a straight spouse and sexual abuse in childhood

Personal content removed

Last edited by longwayhome (August 20, 2021 1:36 pm)


I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 
 

October 19, 2021 4:37 pm  #27


Re: The link between being a straight spouse and sexual abuse in childhood

I was sexually abused as a teenager by my best friend, I now find myself married in a 25 year emotionally abusive relationship. It had crossed my mind that there maybe a relationship between these things, coming across this post is an eye opener. Due to the nature of my childhood abuse, it being my best friend, same sex, and same age, I felt so guilty and scared I didn't mention it to anyone for 11 years until I met my still GID wife, whom I told within a year of knowing her, she was suitably sympathetic, and supportive at the time, but if I have ever brought it up since it has always been a case of 'well we all have our baggage to carry dont we', as a result I have probably never really dealt with it properly. I have recently discovered my wife is having an affair and am in the process of trying to find my own path through this, with much help from you beuatiful people btw. I also spent 10 years following my abuse terrified I had aids, I only saw the boy who abused me once since it happened, probably 4 or 5 years after the abuse, when I met him with the idea of talking to him about what had happened to which his response was one of anger and telling me I knew what I was doing, the meeting lasted less than a minunte and I ran from the bar where we had met, I have never seen him since, but I heard rumours that he was ill, this just fuelled my fear that I might be ill, he stood his to be wife up a the alter and later married a man. I discovered several years ago he had died, I believe of a heart attack. When I met me now wife I went for an aids test as I wanted to be sure I was okay before I commited to a long term relationship, the hospital didn't believe me when I turned up and said I had been raped as a child and wanted to get an aids test, they did take blood, and told me I was okay, so I went ahead and tried not to look back. I often wonder if this knowledge imparted to my wife made a difference to her marrying me, it sounds horrible to even think such a thing, but as I know now the world can be a horrible place, even amoungst those who we fall in love with and whos hands we place our most vunerable self in. I will listen to the pod cast, perhaps it will help guide me in a better direction for my future. Thanks for posting.

Last edited by fiddlesticks (October 19, 2021 4:43 pm)

 

October 19, 2021 5:53 pm  #28


Re: The link between being a straight spouse and sexual abuse in childhood

Fiddlesticks, I must comment on your post above.

If your partner had a personality disorder, any and all information you have previously shared with her could/can be used against you. This is the most honest thing I can say to you, I really believe this, anything and everything, be careful. Be well.


I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 
 

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