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October 18, 2021 1:17 pm  #31


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

fiddlesticks wrote:

..... it made me think that a lot of this is going to be hard for me to keep under control.....

Nuh-uh....you've got this   There's an element of secrecy, a lack of clarity in her behavior, and because you know this it will gradually strengthen the way you approach the situation. 
For myself...when I lost the emotional spark that I felt had tied us together so long, even though at first it would be one step forward, 2 steps back I was seeing my partner in a different light and the journey was easier.

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

October 19, 2021 2:40 pm  #32


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

You're right of course Elle, and I can feel that strength rising in me albeit a tiny glow, it is accompanied by sadness, fear and an empty lost feeling, but it is there, and I am holding onto it for dear life. I have already noticed that she dosn't want to talk about it either, she has noticed that I am stronger and less attentive towards her, I can feel it, the energy has changed as Ordinary Guy talked about, she is struggling with my new lack of eye contact and apparent focus.
Today has been better, despite last weekend being another visit to her friend for the day while I was working, which of course she lied about. But I am also now starting to think about the past, now I know about the affiar, which continues right under my nose, I can't help but look back and ask myself when did this start, the answer seems to be going further and further back, I am in fact now thinking that this could have begun as much as 10 years ago when her friend split from her first partner, of course I don't know this, and I am hoping I am wrong, but I can't stop myself thinking about it.

     Thread Starter
 

October 19, 2021 3:07 pm  #33


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

fiddlesticks wrote:

You're right of course Elle, and I can feel that strength rising in me albeit a tiny glow......
I am also now starting to think about the past,......... and I am hoping I am wrong, but I can't stop myself thinking about it.

 

When my whole attitude about what was happening to me changed from a co-dependent-this-is-our-problem to a if-I-don't-do-something-nobody-will the shift in how I viewed everything was almost palpable. Long may that tiny glow (I had one too) get bigger, brighter, stronger The sadness, fear & emptiness will be with you for a while yet but it diminishes as the cloud around the Mindfuck clears. 

We all go back in time thinking wait...what!!? And sometimes it's okay to fall back into memories and events if it's to process in your mind what you guess/surmise/discover might actually have happened.  But if you stay too long in the past it can mess with your head (over-analysis is no good for anybody) so learn to be aware of what asking questions you may never get answers to...is actually doing to your health & esteem. Learn to accept that the answers, if youre lucky enough to get them from your wife, may be just a cover

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

October 19, 2021 5:42 pm  #34


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

Fiddlesticks said: I can't help but look back and ask myself when did this start, the answer seems to be going further and further back, I am in fact now thinking that this could have begun as much as 10 years ago when her friend split from her first partner, of course I don't know this, and I am hoping I am wrong, but I can't stop myself thinking about it.

I must have gone over that question in my mind a thousand times. I kept coming to the same conclusion, over and over again. I know, I certainly knew at young age that I liked boys and I just can’t fathom someone not having ‘feelings’ as they are maturing, dating, playing various sports, I just can’t.

Take good care, post as much as you need.

Last edited by longwayhome (October 19, 2021 5:44 pm)


I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 
 

October 20, 2021 12:13 pm  #35


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

Fiddlesticks,
I hear you on looking back and analyzing.    Especially now that you know what she is doing.      My suggestion is to look back ...but limit your time.   Its been years for me..  I occasionally look back like when I come here... but really... I/we were all in... we gave true authentic fierce love with no secrecy .    Im not going to look back and think I would have done anything different.      
  I think what you are seeing now is the real person your wife is ...at her core...willing to lie and keep lying to you..   In a word able to hurt you with what seems a clear conscious.
    I've had years to analyze what my GX did from the beginning..  I can beat myself up about accepting some of her narcissistic behavior over the years and not standing up for myself.  but really... I never lied, cheated, or hurt her.. dont have that in me.    So at the end of it all I stop analyzing and can only conclude she simply had a "broken moral core" .    Willing to hide the gay for half a liftetime and hurt the person she swore before God and family to cherish and love.  Regardless of whether they are gay, alien or purple elephants, and yes , even if they are parents of our children, they are morally broken to hurt us like they do.

Wishing you strength and fortitude.     
   


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

October 20, 2021 2:01 pm  #36


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

So just had another ding ding, initiated by her on the back of me sleeping in the spare room. Yes I got dragged into another stressful conversation, but managed to resist giving details of exactly what my thoughts were related to last weekend, although I did end up saying so this is all my fault again is it, rather than just talking responsibility, and I pointed out that she never takes responsibility for any of it and only gets angry, this made her almost tearful, but quickly turned back to anger.
So I am feeling stuck again and wondering if I will ever escape! Would it be best to just say I don't love you any more I want a divorce? Or is that not likely to work.... I'm trying to simplify of course but I am genuinely starting to wonder if there will ever be a route out of here....
I did consider trying to find her previous partner and talk to him in order to find out how similar his experience was, has anyone done this?

     Thread Starter
 

October 20, 2021 2:09 pm  #37


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

Fiddlesticks, if you don’t love her and you want a divorce, then yes, that is what you tell her. Whichever way your answer goes on this. Everyone in this forum is going to tell you to put the focus on yourself first and just stand back for a bit, in my honest opinion. You can’t control any of this, let go.


I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 
 

October 20, 2021 4:01 pm  #38


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

okay, so I guess this means you are recognising how she is manipulating you with her dramatics - they are shallow emotions.  Immediately she senses her loss of control and when she tries to reassert it by being angry it doesn't work.  oh.

If she is anything like my ex then this loss of control over you will see an increase in her efforts to feather her own nest, both financially and socially.  

wishing you all the best - stay calm and mildly friendly with her and make your plans.



 

Last edited by lily (October 20, 2021 4:05 pm)

 

November 12, 2021 8:54 am  #39


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

Fiddllestix- I just read your post, and although it is over a month old, I am sending you a virtual hug today because we always need them. Take care.

 

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