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October 10, 2021 3:19 am  #21


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

Hope you get your visit with a friend.  that is just the ticket.  my personal feeling re answering the kids questions is to take them as they come and trust yourself to find the right things to say.  Just stay caring about your feelings.

when I found myself sleeping alone I took to cuddling my pillow as if it were a teddy bear.  

 

October 10, 2021 3:47 pm  #22


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

fiddlesticks wrote:

So what do I tell the kids when they ask, which they will and want to know all the details about why, what, how.....you tell them the truth, but make it age appropriate. And most importantly you make sure they know you're there for them to ask questions. 

Yesterday was a bad day, I couldn't hide my upset face, I had to keep going to the bathroom to cry and for my stomach to rebel. Eventually had way through the afternoon my wife asked me what's the matter, your stomach is bad, what's going on etc....remember you and your wife are on different paths. She's got this thing, the all-consuming niggle of who she really might be nudging her all the time. She'll probably only have limited stores of empathy where you're concerned. You on the other hand are still trying to get your head to the surface of what's happening. For me...once I had identified the difference and started to compare the oh so different ways my partner and I approached the Mindfuck I could more clearly see how he used my emotions and his anger to keep me on edge and off-balance
I didn't know what to say, she kept asking just tell me what's upsetting you and we can do something about it. I just kept asking her what have you done? I couldn't stop myself....
We has a stressful circular conversation for 10 minutes in which nothing really was said then she got angry.
Last night I slept in the spare room, today I am going to try and meet a friend. Yeah...anger. It was my partners tool to dismiss my emotion. Learn the triggers and be smarter than the anger Sticks. Friends are good. Talking to friends a good distraction from the......Mindfucked!

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

October 11, 2021 11:24 am  #23


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

Regarding the kids...
As Longwayhome stated, you don't know what's happening yet so you don't tell them anything. You need to talk to a friend and then open communication with your spouse to get answers.

When I was at the point you are now, I only told my son that his dad broke my heart and I'm trying really hard to deal with my sadness right now. If he had any questions he was welcome to come to me and ask. I also told my son that we both love him and that we are talking in private to work things out... Several weeks later we both sat down with our son & let him know that we were separating but that we were going to try and make it as easy for him as possible; that our son was our #1 priority.

I know you're traumatized right now but your kids are not there for emotional support and should be left out of this for now. When you & your wife finally get to a point where you're talking and discussing what happens next, then you can start to involve them.

I went to counseling with my husband so that I had a 3rd party there to help facilitate our conversations. She helped to keep my husband from using any manipulation against me and made him clarify vague answers. We talked about our son... I personally would like to tell him the truth but in the end, he doesn't deserve to get sucked into this mindfuck - he's still a kid. The counselor suggested starting by saying something like "Your father & I have decided our marriage doesn't work for us any longer" rather than going into gory detail. Then take any other questions as they come but don't willingly come forth & dump emotional trauma on them.

Many people on this board advised against going to counseling together but I think it helped to validate my fears and show him that he was not the perfect spouse he thought he was in his head. I was also able to understand the ways he tried to manipulate me during the conversation because the therapist would catch it. In the end, we were able to come to an agreement as to how we would move forward. Unfortunately, as soon as we stopped counseling, he felt no motivation to stick to our agreement because he was only trying to impress the therapist and now I'm moving forward with divorce. Counseling took a little extra time & money but I felt more empowered afterward. When you get to that point, look into Discernment Counseling.

 

October 17, 2021 10:16 pm  #24


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

First I would like to thank you all again, I have given the whole kids thing a great deal of thought over the last week and all of your advice is really welcome. I love my step children so much and if I can hold onto anything out of this mess it's them. And in the very long run I now think I can do that.

Following more discussions with my wife, and untruths in return, we'll I say untruths but it's seems my wife has actually taken to telling me the actual truth in reverse, like oh I suppose you think I have been running around all day with her! I have tried, and am getting better at not rising to this. I feel I now know all I need to know to be sure I am not imagining most if not any of this. I have been reading a lot of the posts in general discussions about what I need to focus on, and although it's hard I am starting to understand the importance of not keep looking for definitive proof, and trying to get her to come out. Recent discussions have shown me if this ever does happen it will not be on the back of one of these conversations.

So now I intend to look after me, I have quit smoking and almost drinking, not that these were major problems but I certainly was using them to get me through much more than I should have been. And I am already feeling stronger for it. And I am going to get out there and start doing more stuff....

But of course it's not that simple is it! This weekend was a perfect example, having got home after we both spent the day apart, when I initially came home I instinctively knew what had been going on that day, we had just both arrived home together, and totally out of the blue I had to run to the bathroom to throw up, I had no control over it, I didn't feel sick before or after. This has never happened to me in my life in this way, and took both of us by surprise, of course I knew why it had happened, and I suspect my wife did too, but insisted on grilling me as to why, perhaps I had a bug, was I okay, what was going on etc.... These are the things I am finding difficult to deal with, I didn't explain, although I did give the impression I knew but that I was okay and I didn't need to examine it, but I was pretty sure it wasn't a bug. The remainder of the day was okay, but it made me think that a lot of this is going to be hard for me to keep under control.

     Thread Starter
 

October 18, 2021 1:17 pm  #25


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

fiddlesticks wrote:

..... it made me think that a lot of this is going to be hard for me to keep under control.....

Nuh-uh....you've got this   There's an element of secrecy, a lack of clarity in her behavior, and because you know this it will gradually strengthen the way you approach the situation. 
For myself...when I lost the emotional spark that I felt had tied us together so long, even though at first it would be one step forward, 2 steps back I was seeing my partner in a different light and the journey was easier.

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

October 19, 2021 2:40 pm  #26


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

You're right of course Elle, and I can feel that strength rising in me albeit a tiny glow, it is accompanied by sadness, fear and an empty lost feeling, but it is there, and I am holding onto it for dear life. I have already noticed that she dosn't want to talk about it either, she has noticed that I am stronger and less attentive towards her, I can feel it, the energy has changed as Ordinary Guy talked about, she is struggling with my new lack of eye contact and apparent focus.
Today has been better, despite last weekend being another visit to her friend for the day while I was working, which of course she lied about. But I am also now starting to think about the past, now I know about the affiar, which continues right under my nose, I can't help but look back and ask myself when did this start, the answer seems to be going further and further back, I am in fact now thinking that this could have begun as much as 10 years ago when her friend split from her first partner, of course I don't know this, and I am hoping I am wrong, but I can't stop myself thinking about it.

     Thread Starter
 

October 19, 2021 3:07 pm  #27


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

fiddlesticks wrote:

You're right of course Elle, and I can feel that strength rising in me albeit a tiny glow......
I am also now starting to think about the past,......... and I am hoping I am wrong, but I can't stop myself thinking about it.

 

When my whole attitude about what was happening to me changed from a co-dependent-this-is-our-problem to a if-I-don't-do-something-nobody-will the shift in how I viewed everything was almost palpable. Long may that tiny glow (I had one too) get bigger, brighter, stronger The sadness, fear & emptiness will be with you for a while yet but it diminishes as the cloud around the Mindfuck clears. 

We all go back in time thinking wait...what!!? And sometimes it's okay to fall back into memories and events if it's to process in your mind what you guess/surmise/discover might actually have happened.  But if you stay too long in the past it can mess with your head (over-analysis is no good for anybody) so learn to be aware of what asking questions you may never get answers to...is actually doing to your health & esteem. Learn to accept that the answers, if youre lucky enough to get them from your wife, may be just a cover

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

October 20, 2021 12:13 pm  #28


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

Fiddlesticks,
I hear you on looking back and analyzing.    Especially now that you know what she is doing.      My suggestion is to look back ...but limit your time.   Its been years for me..  I occasionally look back like when I come here... but really... I/we were all in... we gave true authentic fierce love with no secrecy .    Im not going to look back and think I would have done anything different.      
  I think what you are seeing now is the real person your wife is ...at her core...willing to lie and keep lying to you..   In a word able to hurt you with what seems a clear conscious.
    I've had years to analyze what my GX did from the beginning..  I can beat myself up about accepting some of her narcissistic behavior over the years and not standing up for myself.  but really... I never lied, cheated, or hurt her.. dont have that in me.    So at the end of it all I stop analyzing and can only conclude she simply had a "broken moral core" .    Willing to hide the gay for half a liftetime and hurt the person she swore before God and family to cherish and love.  Regardless of whether they are gay, alien or purple elephants, and yes , even if they are parents of our children, they are morally broken to hurt us like they do.

Wishing you strength and fortitude.     
   


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

October 20, 2021 2:01 pm  #29


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

So just had another ding ding, initiated by her on the back of me sleeping in the spare room. Yes I got dragged into another stressful conversation, but managed to resist giving details of exactly what my thoughts were related to last weekend, although I did end up saying so this is all my fault again is it, rather than just talking responsibility, and I pointed out that she never takes responsibility for any of it and only gets angry, this made her almost tearful, but quickly turned back to anger.
So I am feeling stuck again and wondering if I will ever escape! Would it be best to just say I don't love you any more I want a divorce? Or is that not likely to work.... I'm trying to simplify of course but I am genuinely starting to wonder if there will ever be a route out of here....
I did consider trying to find her previous partner and talk to him in order to find out how similar his experience was, has anyone done this?

     Thread Starter
 

October 20, 2021 4:01 pm  #30


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

okay, so I guess this means you are recognising how she is manipulating you with her dramatics - they are shallow emotions.  Immediately she senses her loss of control and when she tries to reassert it by being angry it doesn't work.  oh.

If she is anything like my ex then this loss of control over you will see an increase in her efforts to feather her own nest, both financially and socially.  

wishing you all the best - stay calm and mildly friendly with her and make your plans.



 

Last edited by lily (October 20, 2021 4:05 pm)

 

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