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October 6, 2021 6:18 pm  #41


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

MJM017 wrote:

Iamsoconfused wrote:

Just some thoughts going through my head this evening.
I can't be the only one feeling a bit frustrated in the intamacy department. How are all you spouses handling this? As much as I love and support my wife it's wearing on me that I can't be physical with her right now.

She basically told me she was okay with me watching porn if it helped me at all. We both kinda drew the line at seeking out relationships while we are married and we are very much in the beginning stages of figuring this all out.

Just want to know how you all approached this.

I would suggest patience. It may be worthwhile to set a deadline for your wife to decide.   It's a tough decision for her since it brings another set of issues for you guys to work on and may change the status quo.

I would agree porn is no substitute for intimacy. Be careful not to become addicted to it. Addictions spring up during trying times. I hate the taste of alcohol but surprisingly felt like getting drunk during the worst of the divorce. Have never felt that way before or since.

Perhaps start a regular exercise routine or a new soothing hobby like gardening or work working.  It will calm you, help you get sound sleep and make for clear-headed thinking when needed.


 

Thanks

 

October 9, 2021 7:58 am  #42


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

Hey iamsoconfused,

 I've been on Facebook with OnePath for a nearly a year now, and I just read your story and it is extremely similar to my own.

My wife was brought up in a strict religious environment and over the past few years, she has been deconstructing that life and questioning a lot of things that didn't fit the narrative. I was supportive and thought that it could only help her grow.

COVID then hit, we're all locked down. She started to become very distance physically and emotional. Long story short - she fell in love with her friend. A woman.

She 'realised' she was gay. The 'clues' apparently was she was attracted to her friend in high school and another friend (female obviously), just after we were married!!! 

I was the last to know, she'd told the person she was in love with (but didn't tell her she was in love with her!!!), and told a few other 'close friends'. 10 months later, she told me after I had been going to couples and private therapy to work through 'our issues'. 

She told me in couples therapy, and basically tore apart our entire intimate life in a matter of 45  minutes - which still now gives me nightmares (honestly, nightmares)

I was taken by surprise, and like you... I didn't know who to tell, I didn't know if she would care and I loved her dearly and didn't want to hurt her.

I ended up telling my best friend (from high school), and my parents. I did ask her permission first.

I would highly recommend therapy and finding one or two close people to talk to. Otherwise, it eats away at you..  If you haven't started to question your past, how you got to this point, why now? The trust issues... The questions go on and on.

I also had enormous issues with 'lust' and intimacy.. (and still do)...  the reality is, you're feelings of intimacy haven't diminished and hers have.  It's completely understandable. And, you're still in close contact with each other!

What helped me at the start was to remind myself that she is (or believes she is?) a lesbian. No matter how I wish otherwise, she is gay. If I thought of her in an intimate way, I'd think 'but she is gay. Remember, she doesn't feel that way'.

Unfortunately, due to COVID - we're still stuck together in the same house after 10 months...  Unless you can come to an agreement and perform a massive mental shift - I would do as others have suggested..  Set a deadline, you don't have to tell her the deadline - it's just for your own mental wellbeing.

If your wife can't work it out with you in her life - then I'm sorry to say (and I didn't believe it as first) -  One of you will be forced to jump in and swim sooner or later. You'll know when you can't take anymore, and it will be that point..

Do yourself a favour, don't get to that point. Don't let her get to that point. That's where the pain is inflicted. 

After 10 months, has it gotten easier? Yes and No. 

No, that I feel damaged from what's happened.  I still can't believe this has happened. I wish this never happened.

Yes.. I see a light at the end of the tunnel. My wife doesn't want to be with me, I've accepted that and I'm starting to plan a new life without her in it. I'm planning a life for my children, and I'm going to be the best person I can be.

None of us expected our lives to take this turn, and I'm truly sorry that yours has.  I wish there was a way I could save others from this pain.

Hang in there, you're not the only one.

 

October 11, 2021 3:50 pm  #43


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

Am I wrong for wanting to talk to her parents about what we got going on?  She has been purposefully keeping them in the dark about our marriage problems.  I just feel like they have a right to know.
I know she needs to be the one to come out and tell them.  I just feel like her not telling them is prolonging this longer than it needs to be.  Rip the Band-Aid off

     Thread Starter
 

October 11, 2021 4:44 pm  #44


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

longwayhome wrote:

I agree you shouldn’t be outing her, but you can confide in someone in your own circle, no?

It’s may not feel like any of this is within your control, but it truly is. You need to make some decisions first. How long are you prepared to go on like this? I can tell you, they can and will keep it up much longer than you can. I’m two years in, he is still living in his denial. I’m not, you need to decide what you want and need in your life, if your wife can’t meet those dreams/wants, what are you going to do. Stay and live this or are you prepared to make some hard decisions and take the control of your life back. That’s my honest opinion of your situation.

Where do you go from here? Is the question I think you need to answer, answer it both ways. Then put a deadline in place to start implementing that end decision.

Be well, one day at a time.

I feel like I need to play the game.  I make all the money in this marriage she has now way to get out on her own.  If I turn this into a legal battle and file for divorce before she has a chance to get on her feet,  then I am stuck looking like the bad guy.  She can come after me for alimony and child support because lets face it the woman is always favored in court,  even if she is the one that  brought this all on.  I feel like having as many people in my corner to support me is best at this point.
 

     Thread Starter
 

October 11, 2021 7:51 pm  #45


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

personally I feel like I am entitled to tell my story to whomever I want to.  My gidex made himself part of my story when he misled me into marriage.  I didn't rub his nose in it, I even used my silence with his family members as a bargaining chip to get a better result but no way was I going to keep his secret I literally Promised myself I would talk, on my own behalf.  Note of caution - it is entirely possible one of her parents is in the closet.

Yes you need a support team, as many people as you can and it might be wise to consult with a lawyer and see how your financial situation plays out.  Thinking that it will get easier with time might be wishful thinking.  It could get worse.  I was told here in Australia that as we had been married more than ten years it was considered a longterm marriage and I had more responsibility towards him.

Do you believe she really is going to become financially independent in the next little while?  

 

October 11, 2021 7:54 pm  #46


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

lily wrote:

personally I feel like I am entitled to tell my story to whomever I want to.  My gidex made himself part of my story when he misled me into marriage.  I didn't rub his nose in it, I even used my silence with his family members as a bargaining chip to get a better result but no way was I going to keep his secret I literally Promised myself I would talk, on my own behalf.  Note of caution - it is entirely possible one of her parents is in the closet.

Yes you need a support team, as many people as you can and it might be wise to consult with a lawyer and see how your financial situation plays out.  Thinking that it will get easier with time might be wishful thinking.  It could get worse.  I was told here in Australia that as we had been married more than ten years it was considered a longterm marriage and I had more responsibility towards him.

Do you believe she really is going to become financially independent in the next little while?  

If you mean within the next year so I see her being financial dependent from me?  No I don't.

     Thread Starter
 

October 11, 2021 8:24 pm  #47


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

what I am getting at is that unless she really is going to become financially independent in the next little while, next little while including maybe more than a year, then it could be less expensive to define the limits of your financial responsibility towards her sooner than later. 

Last edited by lily (October 11, 2021 8:27 pm)

 

October 22, 2021 1:08 pm  #48


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

My wife brought up the idea of polyamory to a friend of hers.  Starting to wonder if my wife is Bi or leaning that way.  Has anyone here transitioned to a polyamory relationship?

I am not so sure I like the idea of sharing my spouse with another person.

     Thread Starter
 

October 22, 2021 2:04 pm  #49


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

It's diffently not what I signed up for. She has not brought it up to me in serious conversation.  Brought it up in passing on occasion.  We are starting therapy together in a couple weeks so we will see how it goes.

I am just wanting to know if anyone out there sucessfully transitioned to something like that?  I am resistant as I am a selfish straight mono male and don't want to share my spouse.

It's a weird feeling when your spouse tells you that she loves you but that she does not know if she is in love with you.

     Thread Starter
 

October 22, 2021 3:01 pm  #50


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

omg please tell me you are only joking in describing yourself as selfish!

Let me translate - mentioning polyamory in passing = wants to have sex with her girlfriend without feeling like she is cheating.

The idea of remaining married and having a lover on the side is something generation after generation have tried.  In France it's a tradition.

The trouble for you is that you love your wife.  

Embrace that weird feeling you get when you take on board she is incapable of feeling like that about you.



 

 

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