longwayhome: I think you've mis-read my post.

 

Treelovingvegan wrote:

Iamsoconfused wrote:

One thing I am struggling with is wither I have a right to tells those close to me what is going on in my life despite what my wife is dealing with. I don't want to out her maliciously, Especially since she is just kinda starting to discover herself. I just feel like telling people on my side what's going on would provide so much more closure and sense to people when I explain the relationship issues happening in my marriage.

I do still love my wife and I don't want to hurt her but I need to look after myself too.

Hi Confused.

I usually don’t post replies to others stories but felt compelled to do so here. You obviously love and respect your wife. That is very evident. You want to keep her confidence & trust. I definitely get that. However, you have a right to tell someone you trust with the things you are struggling with. And it’s obvious this is something your struggling with. Perhaps a pastor or religious leader? Or a friend that is a bit distant from your wife who will keep your confidence? I told a former co worker who I always respected and trusted but one that lives thousands of miles away and who was an isolated friend from any of my other friend groups. If those aren’t options, a counselor is a great one. Your own person counselor. Heck even if you have a friend, it would be helpful to get a counselor.

Either way, if you don’t tell someone, you will implode. For your mental sanity and for your ability to continue to go to work & be productive and most importantly, for your ability to be an engaged and present father, you need to tell someone! Even for you to be able to be a spouse, you need to tell someone.

If your wife doesn’t understand that, there is another red flag. Especially since she has a community of people she has started to open up to.

I hope and wish you the best!

Well I am glad you chose to post this. Spot on.

Porn is no substitute for intimacy.

Hey iamsoconfused,

 I've been on Facebook with OnePath for a nearly a year now, and I just read your story and it is extremely similar to my own.

My wife was brought up in a strict religious environment and over the past few years, she has been deconstructing that life and questioning a lot of things that didn't fit the narrative. I was supportive and thought that it could only help her grow.

COVID then hit, we're all locked down. She started to become very distance physically and emotional. Long story short - she fell in love with her friend. A woman.

She 'realised' she was gay. The 'clues' apparently was she was attracted to her friend in high school and another friend (female obviously), just after we were married!!! 

I was the last to know, she'd told the person she was in love with (but didn't tell her she was in love with her!!!), and told a few other 'close friends'. 10 months later, she told me after I had been going to couples and private therapy to work through 'our issues'. 

She told me in couples therapy, and basically tore apart our entire intimate life in a matter of 45  minutes - which still now gives me nightmares (honestly, nightmares)

I was taken by surprise, and like you... I didn't know who to tell, I didn't know if she would care and I loved her dearly and didn't want to hurt her.

I ended up telling my best friend (from high school), and my parents. I did ask her permission first.

I would highly recommend therapy and finding one or two close people to talk to. Otherwise, it eats away at you..  If you haven't started to question your past, how you got to this point, why now? The trust issues... The questions go on and on.

I also had enormous issues with 'lust' and intimacy.. (and still do)...  the reality is, you're feelings of intimacy haven't diminished and hers have.  It's completely understandable. And, you're still in close contact with each other!

What helped me at the start was to remind myself that she is (or believes she is?) a lesbian. No matter how I wish otherwise, she is gay. If I thought of her in an intimate way, I'd think 'but she is gay. Remember, she doesn't feel that way'.

Unfortunately, due to COVID - we're still stuck together in the same house after 10 months...  Unless you can come to an agreement and perform a massive mental shift - I would do as others have suggested..  Set a deadline, you don't have to tell her the deadline - it's just for your own mental wellbeing.

If your wife can't work it out with you in her life - then I'm sorry to say (and I didn't believe it as first) -  One of you will be forced to jump in and swim sooner or later. You'll know when you can't take anymore, and it will be that point..

Do yourself a favour, don't get to that point. Don't let her get to that point. That's where the pain is inflicted. 

After 10 months, has it gotten easier? Yes and No. 

No, that I feel damaged from what's happened.  I still can't believe this has happened. I wish this never happened.

Yes.. I see a light at the end of the tunnel. My wife doesn't want to be with me, I've accepted that and I'm starting to plan a new life without her in it. I'm planning a life for my children, and I'm going to be the best person I can be.

None of us expected our lives to take this turn, and I'm truly sorry that yours has.  I wish there was a way I could save others from this pain.

Hang in there, you're not the only one.

longwayhome wrote:

I agree you shouldn’t be outing her, but you can confide in someone in your own circle, no?

It’s may not feel like any of this is within your control, but it truly is. You need to make some decisions first. How long are you prepared to go on like this? I can tell you, they can and will keep it up much longer than you can. I’m two years in, he is still living in his denial. I’m not, you need to decide what you want and need in your life, if your wife can’t meet those dreams/wants, what are you going to do. Stay and live this or are you prepared to make some hard decisions and take the control of your life back. That’s my honest opinion of your situation.

Where do you go from here? Is the question I think you need to answer, answer it both ways. Then put a deadline in place to start implementing that end decision.

Be well, one day at a time.

I feel like I need to play the game.  I make all the money in this marriage she has now way to get out on her own.  If I turn this into a legal battle and file for divorce before she has a chance to get on her feet,  then I am stuck looking like the bad guy.  She can come after me for alimony and child support because lets face it the woman is always favored in court,  even if she is the one that  brought this all on.  I feel like having as many people in my corner to support me is best at this point.