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July 24, 2021 2:48 pm  #11


Re: How long did it take???

I don't know what that rule of waiting a year is about -   

There's a tiger eating my toes - let's just wait til he gets to the ankles before deciding if I will run away or not.

I had been with him a long time, all my adult life and I was so shocked I literally fell to the floor.  I lay there and thought about it for a few minutes.  I thought, well he can do what he likes but I promised myself I was going to tell, and that was enough to get up.  I wanted to end the marriage straightaway.  It took about 3 weeks for me to realise he was entirely different to the way I had believed him to be and he'd throw his grandmother under the bus to save his closet let alone me.  I went on a three week holiday, going with a friend not him - it was already planned beforehand.  And it was not long after I got back that I moved into my studio which was at the bottom of the garden.  I only went into the house to use the bathroom and lived like that til I got a separation signed, and had a place to move to.  From initial discovery to moving out took me 18 months.  I was lucky to have a separate building to live in.  I think that made it easier because it was very quick where I didn't want to be living with him and he was very reluctant to make a financial separation.

The divorce was finalised after I had been living here for a year.  It was just a certificate, the deed was done when I moved here.  I thought we had separated when I moved into the studio but it wasn't til I was here that I really started to feel the healing.  
 

Last edited by lily (July 24, 2021 2:54 pm)

 

July 24, 2021 3:55 pm  #12


Re: How long did it take???

longwayhome wrote:

Elle, we can all say things about hindsight. You chose the best path forth for you at the time and you are always reevaluating your situation, in terms of what you are getting out of it. Nothing wrong with that approach, in my opinion. You keep on doing exactly that, look after you, that’s what matters the most. Yes.

 

Cheers Longway

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

July 27, 2021 2:03 pm  #13


Re: How long did it take???

lily wrote:

There's a tiger eating my toes - let's just wait til he gets to the ankles before deciding if I will run away or not.
 

This is good.

I'd agree – run, don't walk. Every second spent post-disclosure was wasted in lies and gaslighting. There is no fix for someone who treats their "best friend" like the enemy.

 

July 30, 2021 6:02 am  #14


Re: How long did it take???

I see both sides.   

I see the hindsight about divorcing quicker, living in the abuse longer, having less time to start over.

I see the need too stay for financial reasons, the kids lives, the legal process. 

I think everyone is doing the best they can ..there is no one size fits all. Each way has pluses and minuses..not everyone can endure abuse or has the financial means to leave etc.

TGT is a horrible thing.  My hats off and deep respect for anyone going through it nd dealing with it in whatever manner they can.  In this life and the next God will see.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

July 30, 2021 1:27 pm  #15


Re: How long did it take???

Rob wrote:

....
TGT is a horrible thing.  My hats off and deep respect for anyone going through it nd dealing with it in whatever manner they can....

 

  ❤️ And I second that

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

July 30, 2021 6:57 pm  #16


Re: How long did it take???

.

Last edited by MJM017 (August 14, 2021 9:58 pm)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

August 2, 2021 4:27 pm  #17


Re: How long did it take???

Fourth.

 

August 23, 2021 12:54 pm  #18


Re: How long did it take???

I fought it, thinking I needed to stay for the kids, for 6 months. My son had just been born 6 months earlier and that made it extra hard to accept and move on. Then I accepted it and she moved out 4 months later. What I saw as keeping my promise to love and care for her only cost me. Everyone has their own speed but I encourage you to separate when you can and file as soon as possible. My state had a one year waiting period to file so I had to do that but I put it off even longer hoping she would stay in state but finally finalized it in December 2020. She announced she was leaving the next month so I guess I was correct lol. 

Bottom line take care of yourself first, and part of that self care is likely making as healthy a break as possible. My Ex left the state today to move in with her girlfriend on our daughters first day of school and I finally feel like I can breathe. Which is good since I will need that breath to comfort my children. Save your breath for yourself and others who really need it.

 

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