When my husband came out to me i wanted to be friends and I felt compassion.... and then the layers and layers of lies and deception started peeling off and I am not sure if we will be friends. Simply put, i dont trust him in the same room .. let alone farther than i can see them.  Not qualities i look for in friends.

It was not just that he lied about his orientation during the marriage... its that he had started to explore being gay and doing things that are outside of the marriage and that is adding lying to betrayal to deception and do i really know this man.  I started watching Dr. Ramini's videos on narcissism and I am blown away at what i see.  He blew this marriage wide open and he acts like the victim when i am not lovely and affectionate with him(which i will not be.. i am just waiting to get out). 

I can't be sure right now, but most likely once I can get a divorce.. i will just deal with the parenting aspect of our son. 

PattyKay, if you are managing  bipolar during this major crisis I would definitely advise you check in with a medical professional. Its a lot to try to deal with on your own. ((Hugs))

A lot of us have needed professional support of one kind ir another through this soul-searing experience.

Hi all, I hope everyone is doing alright today. I’ve been… here. That’s about it really. I wish I could elicit an emotion that’s not negative just once. I have sarcasm but it’s not making me laugh like it usually does. No, it’s not easy to deal with bipolar disorder n all this at the same time. I still have to call the dr but I don’t wanna talk to them cuz I’ll have to tell them everything n they all like him there. That in itself gives me anxiety.

He’s supposed to b coming to get his things in the middle of august. He will b helping pack. I don’t want to b buttered up until then tho just because his things r here still. Because in the long run I am a human being with feelings n his things r just things. If he wants to talk to me i hope it’s genuine because he already has karma walking behind him at this point so nows the time for him to start making amends.

I have been trying to force food down myself. It’s a work in progress. I have to turn my brain off n stare at the tv n force the shit in until I feel I need a puke. It’s all I can manage at this point. I do make sure to drink water n tea throughout the day though now.  I will try n get some of the boost tho. I have drank them b4. I am trying to work on clearing my mind as much as I can. I know a therapist would help more n I’m glad u all have gone that route. I hope I can take that step too. Trust. I really need to find it. I’ve had quite a few ppl enter my life who have given me not much reason to trust so going to a stranger face to face n telling them all my secrets again does not give me a good feeling. I truly wish I had some close friends to confide in. I don’t though. I’m quite introverted n shy. I have ppl I’ve known for years on my Facebook but honestly I really can not imagine messaging one of my old girlfriends out of the blue n asking to hang out n then have to tell her why. I’d have to b drunk already. I reached out to my sister but she seemed uninterested n only said “oh wow, I’m sorry, that’s crazy” she never responded to my other text to her even though I expressed to her how much I really could use talking to her as I was not doing well. That was 4 days ago. My brother told me today that he can’t look at me anymore as I’m too depressing, he can’t even be around me it’s too depressing n I should put on some make up or something. This does not help me. In fact it made me feel worse as I already feel shitty about my looks because my GX left me cuz he’s attracted to trans women. He likes men that look like a woman. I’m a real woman n I’m not as good as a fake one. It’s made me feel like an ogre. A bridge troll. I feel hideous. I’m just gross.  I just don’t think ppl understand sometimes what this does to your self esteem.  I am actually desperate for just some man to notice me n think I’m pretty at this point just so I know I’m not horrid. I don’t even care who it is I just need to hear it cuz each day that passes n I see myself in the mirror I feel uglier. It’s making me cry now cuz no one should have to feel like this. I have a big heart n I’m so tired of it being broken. I don’t think I can’t handle much more. There’s not gonna b much room left in my heart that’s not stone or ice after this.

Hello all. Today I’ve had a bit of anxiety so I finished up a Bloody Mary to try n relax a bit while I watched the olympics. I am trying to tell myself that I am the true woman and I’m worth something still. The trans topic is a very touchy subject for me and I don’t like talking about them. I don’t understand them or the obsession with them n anytime I see one on tv now I try hard to not put a fist through the wall.  It’s hard to get that shit out of my brain. Hence the Bloody Mary I had. If I could just pull crap from my brain to delete that would b the first thing to go. Right now I just want someone to appreciate the fact I am a real woman and everything about my being a woman. It’s not something I ever really felt the need to think so much about before and I don’t like the fact I am thinking so much about it. I cant help it. I actually feel less feminine. Isn’t that crazy?! Like I need to be more girly or sexy or something! I already AM super feminine as it is! I love frilly lacy bows and stuff. I don’t how much girlier I could be. Yet I still feel like I’ve been made less feminine by all this. It’s crazy right? I mean I’m no better than anyone else for sure but I don’t ever wanna feel I have to compete with anyone especially something fake. This is obviously something that’s gonna take me a looooong time to deal with. I don’t like it at all. It’s haunting my brain n specific events from the past involving them n cross dressers. I cant believe I’m not an alcoholic or addicted to drugs with some shit that plays through my mind. Maybe we can all say that though idk.

Anywho i digress. That stuff is hard to talk about in public, even on here.

I think seeing him will be a mix of emotions. I will cry once he leaves again but I need to see him face to face. When I broke up with the guy I was with before my GX I saw him several times afterwards. I had to get some things from him such as ferret supplies. We met for dinner to talk a couple times. We had dinner a couple times 2 years after we broke up too. Was it hard? Hell yes! But I needed to do it. We talked sometimes for 7 yrs after we broke up. He changed a lot for the better over those years. I’m glad he changed. He needed to. He was a liar. I needed to see him face to face when I talked to him so I could tell if he was being honest with me. Face to face is the only way I can tell if someone is being themselves with me. I cant tell that from a text. I have thousands of miles of distance between me and my GX right now. We only talk through text and on the phone. I have not seen his face since the day he left. We don’t talk all the time. Is it easy not to talk all the time? No it’s not. We used to be around each other all day. I long for that connection again n I have to fight with myself to not constantly reach out to him. I miss him terribly n he truly was my best friend. My only friend. I have no other friends. The person I hung out with when my other ex broke up with me killed himself around 6 1/2 years ago. He was like my brother. He would call n text n take me out as much as I needed. He’d come over n sit with me or invite me over n we’d watch movies or we’d just go for drives just to get me out of the house. Even as down as I was he could make me laugh. I don’t have a good friend like that anymore. My best friend left me almost 3 weeks ago. I like to have ppl around that I feel comfortable with and it’s hard for me to find many ppl like that. I keep losing them.

My mom says, you know lots of ppl are very happy living a life alone. Your aunt Peggy did. You can be like her. I was like oh ffs mom I don’t wanna b like aunt Peggy! First off I’m 44, but my great aunt Peggy was an eccentric artist who became a recluse. She had one long fang in her mouth n she wore the same pair of broken glasses that were taped around the nose area with white tape since before I was born til the day she died even tho she had lots of money. No thank you! I don’t wanna be alone forever. I like having a significant other. I don’t wanna live n die alone.

And I like ducks too. We have some in the pond across the street here. I didn’t know they mate for life. We have geese in the pond to that come back ever year to have babies. The same couple. We know they’re the same cuz the female is missing a leg. The male stands guard while they all eat. Now they are a great couple!

Hobbies? Something you loved but stopped doing some time ago? Seen something and thought 'That look's cool. I'd like to try that.'? Now is the time! Most people I know, who partake in hobbies, love having new members.