I saw your posts on Reddit, and from what I understand, you are wanting to explore YOUR sexuality.

I read the other post and this one, and the only reason I didn’t answer the other one is that I didn’t know what to say. Exactly what are you wanting to do to find this out? Just curious so we can help.
thanks.
and, welcome!

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Our changed spouses often lean on our sympathetic natures because they expect it, almost like if we accept what's happening to them....everything will be okay. But they can also not give us, the left behind spouse...the support we need so before you lose yourself step back and take stock of where you are and what's happening
 

Our spouses didn't 'change' they just weren't able to be themselves for a plethora of reasons all very personal and specific to each person. We haven't all been 'left behind' and my bi husband gives just as much support as he receives. You are inferring A LOT here making his bisexual wife sound like a villain when he has not in any way said that.

John, we just want to understand where your head is so we can figure out how to best help in your journey.

If I understand you right, HikerJohn, you are taking the view that you can only give authentic support to your wife if you understand yourself.  I think that's good solid reasoning.

But it makes me think how else can you understand your own sexuality other than in the way it works in relation with a straight woman?

Yikes....first of all, thank you for taking the time to consider the situation I am in - though you all can only know the tip of the iceberg here.  This has made me self reflect on what trust is all about - primarily trust in myself. Brene Brown has a fantastic video on this, which I need to explore. It's not a decision my wife has made, and if there was any decision it was to be brave enough to come out knowing the pain and discomfort she will need to deal with. She is not sexually active, does not have a partner she is leaving me for, but also does not want to be sexually active with me.
I guess I'm looking to better trust myself, not lose myself identity, and support her. She does get upset when others check in to see how I am, how I'm handling this.  Not quite sure I have an answer to that yet.

John

Hiker johnm, yes, you are important, and what you want and need from and in your marriage is just as important as what your wife wants and needs.  For her to come out is traumatic for both of you.

It sounds as if you have been very supportive of her to this point.
What may be troubling you - going from info in your posts -  is your wife is not recognising your trauma.  Not recognising the quantum shift that she is requiring in your relationship. You probably thought you had signed up for a lifelong monogamous marriage ... an open marriage, or a throuple, or cheating, are not usually included in the marriage vows.

If she is expressing resentment that people are checking in to see you are ok, that could feel like she is focusing on her experience over yours - invalidating you and your feelings about her coming out.

All of we straight spouses have been shattered by the initial discovery, no matter how we worked it out later on down the track.

As our partners move into new ways of being, we also have to find new ways of being.  Just as our partners choose, so we have every right to choose what is going to work for us going forward. 

My big question became: is this acceptable to me? It really is the bottom line.  Believing that you are important too, and do get a say in what transpires after discovery.

Best of luck on your journey. There are a multitude of experiences here, so whatever shape it takes, there are people here who try hear and understand the straight spouse's voice and most important, validate your experience.