Hi, I sympathise with your feelings but I guess you realise it is tough legally.  So here is my suggestion.

You have the element of surprise.  and your plan to be perfectly calm civil and supportive is good, maybe you can pull off a quick divorce.  I hesitate to give advice because you clearly know what you are doing but the way I would approach it is to not lean into the things you want - her gone, no money for her - keep it friendly and go ahead.  I had a friend who was a lawyer and he recommended two lawyers.  They work in the same courts, they know eachother, are both reasonable people.  I offer to pay for both lawyers as long as he doesn't make any more visits than the necessary.

It was still a gruelling process but better than it could have been.  My main bargaining chip was not talking about him being gay.  My occasionally used little mantra was the family courts are full of people going bankrupt fighting over their divorce and at the end of the day the judge is going to award what the court sees as the correct separation anyway.

we then shuffled a list of separation back and forth via email.  I asked for what my lawyer said the family court would do and his lawyer told him it was a reasonable outcome.

Whether you can get a court to agree to you paying all the costs for the children and nothing to her I don't know.  You are going to be giving her money for housekeeping when the children are there whatever you do aren't you?

My suggestion is a positive passive approach re her moving out - just act as if you accept she is leaving as soon as she can without talking about it.

I'm thinking that maybe she will leave of her own volition if she's not being pushed.

I moved into the studio, it was a separate building by the creek and I had agreement I could stay there as long as I liked, or maybe it was a substantial specified period of time, I can't remember but my ex managed to co-opt a mutual friend into er encouraging me to move sooner than I was really ready for.  I believed she was just being a friend and helping me but actually her timing was to do with his not mine.  It still rankles for me.  Like I got co-opted out of my dreaming and where I wanted to go - my timing.

You got this.  Look after yourself, one step at a time, you are likely to be in a state of shock and need extra caring.

wishing you all the best, Lily.  





 

Go see a lawyer.  ASAP.  In fact, see several of them, as any lawyer you consult even for an initial consultation cannot then represent your wife.  You can google "super-lawyers" in family law in your state (provided you're in the US); ask when you consult them if they have experience in "high-conflict" divorces if you believe your wife will contest your terms.  My experience was that free initial consultations are less available now then they were.

Your lawyer can tell you what divorce law is in your state.  Some states allow "fault" divorces, some don't.  Some states require mediation if there are minor children at home.  

 As MJM says, above, you are likely to find that although you don't want to "give" her anything, the law presumes that any and all marital assets (and debts) are to be split evenly.  Some states make exceptions for various assets brought into the marriage and kept separate, or for inheritances.  You lawyer will be your best source of information here.  


 If your wife isn't ready to reveal to the world publicly that she is a lesbian, you might find that gives you leverage to get her to deal.  

 

Over,

Yeah find a good lawyer.  In my area though a spouse can just look at you and say I hate you and want a divorce and they are entitled...you may not want to give her anything but  where I am the they are legally entitled..it doesnt matter if they are an axe murderer..

You may find you need to live together while spearating.... Best to get legal advice.

Excellent advice here.

If you're in the US, you should look up the basics on the laws in your state. Is it 'no fault'? How are assets split? Do they believe in alimony? How is child custody handled? These laws drive how assets are split. Be prepared to lose 50% of your net worth at a minimum. There are no legal tricks that can get around this.

Based on past data in these forums, wives who are GID or out are significantly more aggressive than men. Fairness doesn't seem to apply. I would prepare that this could get contentious or even violent. While this may sound impossible, plan for the worst case. Had I not recorded multiple encounters I would have lost custody of my child and been kicked out of our home due to her lies. And as a woman, she will be believed by dafault. Be prepared.

Sadly, there is no simple and fast fix in a divorce. The best advice I have is to buckle up and know that the process takes time. It will work itself out eventually. Don't allow yourself to be swept up in their drama.

Wishing you happiness and strength for the journey ahead!