This problem goes hand in hand with the lack of intimacy, namely emotional intimacy. One would imagine that it would be challenging to enter into such a discussion whilst closely guarding your inner most thoughts. There would be a risk that the mask could come down, or become slightly askew revealing an inner secret. Such topics of conversation were avoided in my experience, or would turn quickly into an attack as an automatic defence. With me, any perceived attempt on my part to enter into any discussion regarding negative feelings or emotions was met by vitriolic transference. If you had a BIG secret to keep, the surrounding smaller secrets and personal truths have to be ring fenced along with it. You will always be met with a defensive attitude when the vulnerability in question represents a life or death situation in the partners mind. Make no mistake about it, social death is still death to our particular species of social hominid. Every single thing that threatens this, will be met with a fight or flight response.

4878 days….

Soon after we got married, my stbx husband could never open up about any topic.  He would often say he "didn't feel safe" sharing his thoughts or emotions.  I read every marriage book on communication, sex, you name it, I read it or tried it. I found out that his reticence was because he was lying about everything.  He never seemed to connect with people in real life either.  Because he was only able to communicate all of his feelings to online strangers. 

My bi hubby was so afraid to hurt me it made him walk on eggshells around me and made me THINK more was going on than it was. He was so scared I would leave if I knew the real him. Once he finally opened up and was honest and open with me everything changed for the better. 

yes I think this very much goes with the GID territory.

He was very withholding.  and yes to the girlfriend - I will lay dollars to donuts she is GID too. They have known each other since college days but she was not around for a long time, they'd had a falling out but then they moved into our area.  After a while I stared feeling there was something a bit off or collusive about their relationship and they would gang up to have a go at me.  I think it says something about their nature that they can do that - share the knowing who they are with each other while taunting me.  so deliberate, the cruelty.

but from my perspective it was teaming up with the girlfriend that made it possible for me to see that my ex was being cruel to me.  it is horrifying to think that I might still be there with him.  oh man, I had not realised til now how far I have come.  I really am grateful to myself for walking outta there.  

What TakenBySurprise and AuroraMoon have said about their spouses describes my now-ex as well. 

Had no close friends and did not know how to make, nurture, or keep friends.  (He does, however, have an intensely close relationship with his sister.)  Could never open up to me in person or by phone, but would at times when we were apart write dramatic emails or letters to me (including one bewailing the fact that he had no friends).  Mostly out of touch with his own emotions--I would be the one to say, "You appear to be angry/sad/frustrated, etc."-- and he once told me that I was better at perceiving how he was feeling than he was (it pleased him, by the way, that I focused on his emotional state).  He also once wrote to me when I was out of town that he didn't do well when I was away, and that his identity was fragile.  He did, however, develop a relationship with an ex-student who admired him, a relationship that on both sides broke all the norms and boundaries, and she was the person he opened up to about his longing to be a woman and his belief he might be transgendered, after which she encouraged this belief and helped him "experiment."    The only people to whom he has disclosed his trans-identifying status are the ex-student, me, and his sister (in that order). 
  
  After he disclosed to me his belief he was transgendered, during the period I was trying to see whether I could stay married to him, I told him he needed to be honest and communicate because I needed to know how he was thinking so I could make a decision about my future (he had declared he couldn't guarantee that he wouldn't change his mind about his current decision that he would not transition), he alternated between honesty and silence/secrecy, and told me, more than once, "I know I need to communicate better" (but never did).  When we were divorcing, he said "our problem was communication, but I didn't feel safe communicating with you." 

 AuroraMoon, I think you have hit the nail on the head.  They are two different people.  I believe this is the result of their repression/denial/secret lives. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 17, 2021 12:04 pm)